Then and Now

Trying to get to know my dad my whole life hadn't been easy. By the time I came along in life, he was already slowly fading. Fast forward. College. Still know him just as well as I did when i was 5 pretty much. Scracth that. I learned 2 years ago where all he lived when he was in the navy. My mind was blown away by how many places he had lived/been to, but never spoke of. But that's just how it always was. Not a whole lot spoken of. But I guess sometimes it's the silence that speaks louder than words. This silence left over now that he is gone, that speaks louder than any words I can ever write or say. That emptiness, the aching heart that we are all, unfortunately, too familiar with, speaks in deafening tones.

This is how it goes though, or so I guess. It seems like so long ago, yet like yesterday. Wait, it was only 3 months ago. It's now second semester of sophomore year at college, and I'm just now getting around to finishing up work from first semester. Everything since my pa had gone missing is a blur together. Only bits and pieces stick out. Mostly becuase when I was at school, my mind was on home, and when I was at home, my mind was on my classwork. I was never really anywhere both physically and mentally at the same time. I have two older brothers, but somehow that wasn't enough for my mom to lean upon while I was struggling my way through classes while dad was missing/ found deceased. I guess the problem was that my oldest bro has always had depression since he was little, and after having lost his biological dad 2-3 years ago, he definitely wasn't expected to have to hold my mom up. Then my other brother was the last to see my dad. Surely he must feel some sort of guilt for not asking him where he was going or not knowing, though it's not his fault at all. It's just how the mind works. So as much as he probably wanted to be able to help my mom, he had a lot of weight on his shoulders himself jsut being the last to see my dad and being questioned time and time again by the police. My mom's parents died when I was just a little kid, which only left my dad's family, who were all in strong denial, even wanting to put blame on my mom for al this, or myself. And so it is, that after they found my dad, I was somehow responsible for spending my Thanksgiving break and even random trips home to help plan the funeral arrangements on the behalf of my own mother, who could barely function. Traveling over 200 miles one way multiple times a week between school and home, for homework and mourning. That's why I was never really anywhere until after finals.

Here we are. 3 months later. I have 3 of the best roommates a kid could ask for, who are willing to listen if i need an ear, or comfort if i'm lonely, yet, I find myself often pushing them away. A mix between independence, pride, and classic feelings of not belonging, or them not understanding. I feel like them just having to live with me should be enough for them to have to put up with because I know that I can be quite moody now. More than anything, I'm always angry. And really, my mood can vary from day to day, minute to minute. So, I try to leave my roommates alone. Sometimes though, they know just when to bug me despite whatever I may say to them, which I'm thankful for.

However, I refuse to share my innermost feelings with anyone. And I mean anyone. I won't even write it down in my journal. I've always had that fear that someone will find my journal and read it, so I really don't know what point it serves. I only write down a certain level of personal stuff in there. Things that, for the most part, if someone were to find and read, I wouldn't be totally revealed. I won't even tell the college shrink that I have to see once a week, but I usually drop by at least one additional time during the week if something's bothering me now that I'm on campus again. But let's be honest here, something is ALWAYS bothering me now. I guess when we lose someone this way, it's bound to happen. So, I guess since we are all, sadly, joined together by the commonality of having lost a loved one to suicide, there's nothing I can really say on here that I would be left feeling vulnerable and revealed about.

Well, I guess, so long as you guys don't mind reading/ helping a friend out, I'll lay it on you. The truth is, I'm lost, confused, scattered all over the place. Some days I feel like there's no point in going on myself. I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life sharing in union with other people my age in the loss of a parent, but separated an ocean apart in the illness that ate away at their health. I feel like if someone were to ask me how long he had been sick, I'd have to say all my life, because it wouldn't be a lie at all, that's why I didn't know him well. It tears me to pieces, never knowing my own dad. But the thing is, he lived under the same roof as me up until I went to college in the first place. I've always envied people who were close to both parents or actually had a close-knit family (not that those are actually that common these days). But mostly, I've always envied those who actually knew both their parents. It's like I was raised by a single mom, and my friends i grew up with never really got that I didn't know my dad, well, not until now that is. Now, though I didn't think it was really possible, I'll really miss out on all the things that my dad will miss out on. See, before, it was his 'choice' to not attend things that meant a lot to me. But I never set expectations for my parents to go to my things, so I didn't mind. I mean, at least I could see my family if I came home from whatever it was. Now, it's like there's no seeing him ever. He was at my high school graduation at least. But now, as I'm going to try and fight my way through my own hard times now and loss, I have a point to prove, that I can still do it, that I can still make it through classes and eventually graduate with some idea of something I want to do (yeah, try figuring that out when it's like your last semester to really make a decisive dcision before being behind in credits). Where I stand right now, just thinking that he'll be there in spirit isn't enough to cheer me up about my college graduation. Yes, I fall in that category of people who still say it was their choice. So it is, I'm stuck saying that he chose to leave us. That he chose to not want to see me walk across a stage again. But then again, maybe now, if ever I were to drop, I could blame it on my sorrows and never force myself to graduate college and go somewhere with my life besides the dinky town i live in. But that wouldn't do me justice, nor would my father really like that. And that's the truth. I am the child of the family that always made my parents proud. And I'm the only one to go to college, so I have to finish college too. I'll do it for him, if not for myself. Have to.

But what scares me and worries me is my brother now. Will he be okay from this? My younger of the two brothers is a quiet guy, doesn't talk much. And he's not talking at all about my father. Sort of like me, but I exert myself to some extent and actually have some sources at my fingertips, like the school shrink. He doesn't. And I know things that no one else in my family knew/knows. Like how bad his drinking got last year. Or his drug experimentations. I have every right to be concerned about him with not reaching out. He's just like my dad, and that's not being unfair by any means. He even happens to look like him. But he's very introvert. Keeps it all to himself. What if he let's this eat away at him like my dad let whatever it was eat away at him?? What if he goes back to drinking and experimenting with drugs? What if he follows suit after my dad? I couldn't bear that. That'd be too much for me; he's like my twin- we were raised as such b/c we were so close in age. But I worry very much about him, especially since he lives at home alone with my mom now. It's a lot for him to deal with. We never talk but once in a blue moon over facebook while I'm away, so it's hard for me to just casually strike up a convo to check in with him to see how he really is doing. The only reason I know about the mischief he gets into is because we work together and our coworkers tell me when I'm home on breaks. Well, I worry a lot about him, and my oldest brother, and my mother. We are all having such a hard time.

I'm very glad to be back at school, so I can hide how I'm actually doing from them. It stressed me out having to tell my mom how i feel every waking moment I'm home. I don't want to talk to my family about what my dad did. I can't. I try to not think about how everything makes me feel to begin with. Which is partly why I don't write about anything too revealing in a journal even. Especially after my dad took his life. It makes it that much more real. I'd rather be at school, knowing he's gone, but trying to pretend like it's not so, just so that things get better and I can start to have focus in classes again. But really, I hate school now, more than ever. But I must go on and I'll do it for dad.

jamjam

Thank you for trusting us and not worrying about our judgement. It is often easier to be honest with a stranger than with yourself. If you never jot those truths down here or anywhere - keep it honest in your mind. One thing I found with sharing or journaling was it made me accountable - to the emotion of it and the content. Accountability in the sense I owned it - not in a guilt laden sense- just to the truth of things no matter what others thought. I also could revisit my thoughts and see motion from point to point as my feelings changed on a subject. Sometimes that was my only clue I had moved at all. Even typing things in - as if to post and erasing or burning a journal page after unloading is helpful. Those things can remain private forever and you still get the release of pouring it out. Do what is necessary to guard what is personal, its ok. I am glad your roomies are attentive and prodding you a bit - sounds like a good bunch and I'm glad you have them.

Being away from your family certainly would add worry and frustration. Do you think you could ease into emailing or chatting with your brother - to set you at ease a little and open a dialogue that might help you both individually? I can hear your worry and he might welcome some added communication - even not related to your Dad- but it could lead you both to a comfortable place to talk about him. ?? just a thought

hugs and sleep well
V--

Ahh. I can definitely see the waves of emotions whenever I flip through my journal. Starting from when my pa went missing. I was scared and worried, yet I was very hopeful. I would purposely not allow myself to think of any bad outcomes. We had sincerely been hoping he was just going to the park or something to clear his mind. But as days turned into weeks, things changed. I was still hopeful that he'd return home. Spent every day, multiple tiems a day in the chapel on campus just asking God to watch over him and keep him safe from harm. Towards the end, just before a hunter found my dad, I was so confused. I wanted to rely on my faith. But I didn't even know what to feel anymore. I didn't know whether to be mad that he had left just like that without saying anything or leaving any notes, or to start to be sad and mourn the fact that something bad could have happened. I was conflicted.

Then came the night when the priest came up to me. "I'm soo sorry. They found him..." the priests voice still resounds in my head. But in my journal, I was still grateful to God, for keeping my dad safe. Because now, he's supposed to be safe in God's arms, right? But I was still in denial quite a bit. There was the funeral, the one I had to help make all the arrangements and find people to do the readings and such. I've known the priest for a long time, and I had emailed him something but told him that I didn't want it read at the funeral b/c i heard my aunts and uncles (dad's siblings) finally wrote something. However, he insisted that it be read. So what i wrote about my dad, was incorporated into the homily. I was smiling all the up until I had to take my place in that first pew. Then I was crying a bit, couldn't look up at all. Then, when the priest began to read what I wrote, I completely fell apart. I couldn't keep from sobbing.

However, it wasn't until I finally came home for the semester break that things really started to sink in. After maybe a week, I realized he really was gone. He really wasn't goign to walk in the door ever again. My hope towards life and God began to crumble. And every journal entry from then on, was almost all completely filled with anger. Anger at God briefly, then it just all turned towards my dad. I still ask a million questions, questions that can never be answered. Starting from why, to more descriptive, like why didn't he at least leave us a note or talk to us, or why didn't he accept the help he was being given, why he chose the place he did, etc. But these last couple days thigns are turning up again for me. I hope it sticks. But, after a bad concussion this weekend followed by sinus problems and needing to go to the doctor, I can really see this going any way once I'm finally feeling better. But I will get to see my mother soon today, as I have to establish a new doctor after we had to change insurances which doesn't cover anythign in the state I go to school. I hope to ask my mom about my brother, if i remember. Otherwise, I'm goign to have to start facebook-creepin' on my own brother. I miss him, but neither of us talk about dad still. We avoid the topic. This holds true. But we most definitely miss our pa.

Alright, so, we've all lost someone near and dear to us, right?? Then how come, this category, of teenagers remembering, is so under-used? I mean, a lot of you lost your own parents, or a kid, but some of you lost your spouse and have even made comments about you don't know exactly how your kids are taking it, just that they are having a hard time. But how come hardly anyone posts on here? Is it really that taboo just being a kid and losing someone who is supposed to mean so much to you and be there for you and with you for a while longer but no longer is? I don't know. I mean, I come from a small town. When i was in 6th grade, my oldest brother's classmate died in the same manner. His family started some suicide awareness festival thinger for all the surrounding small communities to be held each year. Not a whole lot in thaat manner has happened until this year, when, while my dad was simply 'missing', a high school senior potentially did the same thing (so he was depressed and tried something this summer and he had a hunting accident so they really are unsure of what exactly happened). Then came the news of my dad. But then, why do people stare at you once they realize who you are, even if it's not the first time for a small town?

I've always been forced to grow up faster/earlier than most kids my age. Starting when I first got sick way back when and it's just been one thing after another. Now, with my dad gone, it's like there's nothing to fall back or lean upon. I'm still in school, which is okay, because I have had to pay for college by myself, but there's no comfort that I can take in knowing that if at some point i can no longer afford school, no one can bail me out. it's all on me and i don't have a path really. But then, with my dad gone, we don't have any income to support the family with the essentials. My 21yr old bro will soon have to start paying for groceries and stuff like that for the family because my mom physically cannot work. Yet, it won't be years until there's any sort of 'money' that rolls in. In the meantime, we spent several months without insurance, missing important doctor appointments that take up to a year to even get in to see. We finally got some insurance, but with limited visits. Which is fine and all, if you're generally healthy. But for my mom and i, that's not the case one bit. So, with all these appointments that I still need to make up b/c my doctors are refusing to refill my prescriptions otherwise, i must not get sick. Ohhhh. Impossible. In the last week, a freak concussion playing basketball and bronchitis b/c it suddenly warmed up outside and i have severe asthma. No worries, scratch an appt off the list for what i can see. It's like impending doom. Love it (sarcasm, clearly).

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm angry. A lot of the time. It does feel unfair, in a way, I guess. I mean, it's not like we really had anything 'great' going on as a family, but to have someone, especially your own parent, to listen to something inside of them saying it's not worth the fight anymore, it sucks a lot. But you guys already know that most likely. But things sucked. I told myself for years now, if my parents ever split, I'd want to live with my dad. Only now he's gone, so my parents aren't going to split, and things are just going to suck even more because now anything goes basically. Now, basically, it really is completely up to me to keep my family happy, though it basically was to begin with. I've always been stuck as the mediator between my family since I was little. Not that it really helps because when your brother over 6ft tall is abusive, a little shrimp kid can't do anything but look on in horror. But everything anyone ever did wrong, I had to be the 'listening ears' for my family. I hated it. Always have, but I could never say anything about it or it'd be like i just harmed the person by saying so. That's why, I've always wanted to live with my dad if my parents ever split. I was tired of hearing all this Bullcrap about my dad that i didn't want to know, that it wasn't my PLACE to know. So now, i'll always remember the last copule years of my dad's life as whatever crap i had to hear from mother dearest. Things i didn't care about, things i didn't want to know, thigns blown out of proportion, etc. He could never do anything right, but then, no one could accept the 'angel daughter', me. And it made me sick having to be the 'good' person in the family all because I had to be the glue that held it together. Well, there's no glue anymore, because there's not much to hold together anymore. Just mom and us 3 kids, but we've mostly gone our own little ways already, which just makes mother dearest want to cling to me, the one farthest away, even more so than before. And it deosn't help being the 'baby' of the family.

He was gone long before he was actually gone. Most of my life to be exact. Well, I guess when he was that drunk, that really didn't count. AndI'm not sure sitting at his drunken friends house really counted as 'bonding time', except for to me and the other poor kids that got stuck there to fend off the creeps who'd hit on us or try to make us drink or do drugs before we were even 10. Yea, that doesn't really count. Or staying up with your own dad passing out from alcohol poinsionng, refusing to go to the hospital, that def doesn't count either. And after that, when he was done with his drinking days??
Silence.
Our pivotal moments, if you will, would be him teaching me to split wood properly and other 'manly' things because my brothers were lazy and I tended to help him out. Yeah... he taught me to mow the lawn early on too so that everyone else got out of that, but I did it to keep mum happy. That's always been my goal... keep mum happy. At the cost of what?

I wish more than anything, as do most of you, that my loved one were still here. It's not so much for some sort of support or comfort, but mostly, because I miss the man I hardly knew. He won't be there for graduation, or brithdays, or for my first big job, or holidays, or weddings... he won't be there to support his own daughter through the beginning of life, but it's supposed to be okay, right? I'm supposed to find a way that I won't miss seeing my dad, or that slight smile that always hid behind his beard, or him teasing me when I twitch right as I try to drink something. I don't care if that last one was sometimes a slap to the face, it's just how my dad was, he didn't mean to make fun of me for something I can't help. Well, I guess now it's even more so my job to make sure the family is happy and fine with things until some other guy just swoops into my moms life whether or not i approve, becasue that's not my place. not unless someone in the family wants to bag on someone else-- that's my place.

Don't worry. I'm just an ordinary kid trying to make it through this hell of a ride, trying to figure things out a state away, trying to learn how to talk to the counselor again, trying to get over this stupid anger, etc. But, with all the pangs of hurt, sadness, and lonliness ever eating away at me. Things not even my roommates or counselors will ever really understand. Where so far, no words of comfort ease the pain. Where I'm always on teh outside looking in through the glass doors as life goes on for others, but seemingly halted for me still as words spoken still blend together into meaningless mush. Where i spend many class times looking on this site instead of paying attention, because my attention is never in class anyways, so what's the difference?

He wasn't supposed to leave us. It wasn't his time yet. Try as i might, no one will ever fill the place of my dad's shoes.

jamjam

You havd been through so much from such a very young age! Geesh! It is odd that even the bad stuff is "missed". It was whats normal. Now, even though the loss of that bad stuff should be relieving- it isn't. We are accustomed to them, like an old shoe, worn out, laces broken and knotted, sole hanging on for dear life - but they're ours and familiar.

I clearly understand your curiosity about the sparse traffic here. I don't know exactly why. I will tell you what I think... Young people often have delayed grief for a variety of reasons, so they don't feel the needs you observe. My , now 17 year old son has barely spoken about how he feels. If I ask he shrugs or abruptly answers and disappears. He doen't want to take about it, fears my reaction, has completed his journey of grief, doesn't know how he feels, is sick of the subject...all or none of those and many other things could be at work. He has to do it his way.

I am in a town where of 1600 students we averaged 1suicide death every year for about the last 40. Some recent years there were 3. Two families lost fathers in one afternoon 3 weeks after Scott died. And others too numerous to mention. There is no shortage of survivors here either but very few who are open about it- neither is society open to the subject. The silence holds its hand over the mouths of many who need to be heard- until they comply and quiet themselves as well.

The fact that you are here - alone in your category or not- is what matters. You want contact and peer communication. Would you like me to see if the private forum (this is public) is more active? Perhaps you would find more of what you need on their boards. Could I check that for you?

You are not alone and I'll do whatever I can to help. We all will.

I will say this. If you feel these needs now, please face them now rather than putting them on hold - until another joins or you feel is more appropriate. None of this is easy - but stuffed feelings return with a vengence and seem to be easier managed at the initial time.

Historically suicide has been criminalized and the families often shamed along with the person who died. Sadly those mindsets are so deeply ingrained that present day survivors suffer from those same archaic notions. I got those looks too - like Scott was the first to do this in the history of the world! Thats about them - not you or your dad. Its the discomfort of it that makes people turn attention off their own feelings about it into what they think about us. Humbug!! Ignore what you can of that - its childish and very sad- but they are a product of history as well and come by it honestly.

Let me know if you're interested in the private forum, ok? And stick with us a bit if you can, perhaps you'll make some connections pretty soon.

V--

PS-crisa is one one of our mods and lost several people to suicide including her adoptive mother when she was a teen. Her boyfriends suicide brought her here but she is still processing all of her losses. Thats what happens many times to teens who haven't grieved early- as adults they must do that work. Perhaps crisa might be of some support in a closer way ?? just wanted you to know V-- Take care

Thank you Valerie. I do like this site. I like to silently read what people share themselves, and I do relate all too much with certain things. It's just, my own silence is eating away at me. And i sort of get your son in a way, I can't talk about it. if my mom says anything, i either freak out, or i say something quick and run away-- either way i end up running away to hide from it, like it's not real, because talking makes it real.
What/where is the private forum?? I'd appreciate it a lot if you look into it for me. That'd be cool. Thanks a ton.

The private forum must be joined and you can click the Friends and Families of Suicide link at the bottom of our header. It takes to an information page about the process. Simple registration really. The messages there are only viewable by members. Perhaps teens are more open to that environment and you'll feel more supported.

I did ask our admin for information regarding the traffic there but have not heard back. You can register and have a look yourself if you don't want to wait - totally understandable.

So, you relate to Brett, my 17 year old- I thought you might. Its ok if you can't talk with your mom- too much pressure, I know, we're good at that without that intent. We just really want to measure the 'ok-ness' of our people - looking out for you. We all think and act from our own experiences- so we think you think what we think and often forget its just different for everyone involved. For all I know Brett is so thrilled to not be picked on and tortured anymore and feels guilty or doesn't and thinks I'd be hurt. No matter- I just want him in a good place. And I want that for you too, whether you can speak it to your mom or not. I got a soft spot for you teens, I admit, and it helps me too- reading thoughts like yours. ty

You can do both forums should you decide to join the FFOS site. Do what feels right.
V--

Sometimes, I'm simply angry at myself. I knew he wasn't doing well. Yet, it was simply just how i knew my dad, so how could i have known otherwise? I mean, eventually you end up knowing a lot of people on antidepressants and such, but that doesn't mean they'll actually do something like this. So, there was no way I could have prepared for this. No way anyone could ever really prepare for something as sudden and tragic as this really. But that doesn't stop me from being mad at myself, though I know none of this is my fault. I don't really get it; it's just how it is.

I guess in part, it's because I know a lot of people on some dark roads right now and nothing scares me more than losing another beloved person in such a sudden way. One of my best friend's has been off/on medicine for a long time. Most of high school we heard all the swings of her, even her suicide notes and texts to us we'd end up reporting to her mom that worked at the school, and to the counselor and priests at school too. None of us, as close friends, wanted her to do something and then we'd feel like it was our fault if we hadn't said anything. Thigns were looking up for her for a while, but now, as i check my facebook, I see things are going sour rather quickly again. But her family is more attentive to the seriousness of this, as they have had previous losses from suicide themselves within the family.

Then, there's my best friend since we were little. We've been helping eachother, leaning on eachother, depending, for years. Through some of the thickest and most difficult of things, we've always been there for eachother. But it was the time that my dad went missing, that she hadn't been telling me anything. She didn't want to worry me. But around the same time my dad was missing, her adoptive dad had been attempting several times himself, even having to be locked up for a whiel for his own safety. I didn't find out until mid-January. So now, as things are very real for me, I worry about her, the dad, the mom, and the little sister. I worry that maybe he WILL do it and it be a 'success' for him. But I know the pain. And I know my friend doesn't really want to worry about it, so whenever i ask how her family is doing, she jsut says okay, good, or they're keeping an eye out-- anything to try and give me rest. But for some reason, I just feel like she's not going to tell me until things get bad first. I tried to let her know the last time we were together in person, that no matter what, i'd be here for her, but she's a tough cookie, so i don't know if she's hiding anything right now or if i'm just looking way into this since she won't really talk about it at all.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but then again, maybe I have every right to be. These are two of my best friends. I'd be devastated if anything happened to them or their families. And, though I'm pretty sure this is an irrational fear, I'm afraid that with things the way they are going back home, I might have to make anotehr long journey home, one that i won't look forward to either. It's like i'm in overdrive now, wondering who is next, how it'll effect me, and definitely not taking anything as 'light', 'joking' material at all, becuase it's all way too serious. But, this, once again, is stuff I do not share wtih my family. I was doing good telling my family why I was having a hard time in January, on the 2month anniversary of losing my dad, that a recent grad at my college (small school) passed away and that it bothered me. That took a lot of effort from me, and i cannot imagine telling them of any of this other stuff in addition. But if anything happened, perhaps they'd find out sooner than me unless I got a phone call first. But this is all my mind meandering. And I strongly dislike when it meanders.

In all honesty though, if there were ever anyone i'd talk face-to-face with about this that I actually trusted, it'd be one of those close friends I mentioned, yet I can't. So, same goes for seeing the campus shrink. I just find ways to avoid subjects when they bother me. Although I did meet with one of the priests here on campus after I returned for semester and talked for a while. But, mostly, it's because he knew what to ask that he got stuff from me. And he really didn't drive any single point on me when he could tell i was getting uncomfortable or upset. I don't know why, but I tend to seek comfort in words from a priest over words from a shrink. (I hope you don't mind that i always just say shrink.) Well, I did like the one group meeting thing for suicide survivors that I found (before the school shrink even told me about it), but that's because it was totally different than an awkward one-on-one having to go over your life history and being told your life sucks when you don't need some liscensed 'professional' to tell you that it's not always easy.

Okay, there's my beef of the moment. My apologies. I tend to write a lot when I do rant. I don't even know what I say half the time, so thanks for reading. And thanks for caring.

jamjam-
I'm crisa, the one Valerie was telling you about. First let me say I am truly sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry that I just now am responding to your thread. As Valerie said, I lost my adopted mom to suicide. I was 16 yrs old at the time.
Allow me to go back before that. My biological mom attempted suicide when I was 11, a year later she packed up and moved 14 hrs away. Through the years I've tried to restart our relationship, reaching out to her, she never reaches out to me. It hasn't worked out, I just end up getting hurt by her over and over again, so I no longer reach out to her.
Eventually my adopted mom came into my life. Being Blessed with her, made it alot easier to deal with being abandoned by my biological mother. Our house was the house everyone wanted to be at. We had a pool in the backyard and cool, easy going parents. Our door was alwyas open to everyone.
One night mom and dad were gonna go on a date night. Which was something they had never done, since I had been in their life. They ended up getting into an arguement and didn't make it to dinner. Me and 3 of my adopted sisters left the house to go out for the night. My 12 yr old sister, 11 yr old brother and my brother's friend stayed home. I called often that night and talked to my sister to see if things had calmed down.
The next day we got to the house. Dad was laying on the bed breathing strangely. We walked into my sister and brother's room and found them and my brother's friend dead. We had no clue where mom was. Once the cops arrived we were told mom was in the garage, she had commited suicide by carbon monoxide, which ended up going through the a/c vent and killing my sister, brother and brother's friend. Dad lived, only because the ceiling fan over him was on and kept the carbon monoxide at bay to a degree. Dad was in a coma for awhile and missed their funeral.
Immediately I want into mother hen mode, planning their funeral, their clothes so on and taking care of the rest of my family. I went back to school the day after the funeral. I never went to counseling, none of us did. I did not talk about it to anyone once the funeral was over. I have rarely talked about it to anyone through the years. I'm not ashamed of mom. The story horrified ppl so much when it happened that I just didn't want to "burden" ppl with it. I have a friend that I've been close to for 10 yrs. Two yrs ago I took him to their grave and he said, "who is this," as we stood over their headstone. I said, "Sit down, there's something you don't know about my life." I told him the story.
What this all means is I did not deal with losing them. I went to their grave often the first two yrs and so did dad. But to really deal with losing them, I didn't. I know now that was a huge mistake for me and it did effect me in life!
I wouldn't let anyone in on how I was feeling with losing them and I wouldn't let anyone pull it out of me. Please don't make the mistakes I made, please go to counseling, please find a support group, something! Please deal with it now! When you wait to deal with something, it comes back, it doesn't go away.

It is hard to share when it seems we are making it worse for others or that the communication is strained due to similar issues. Believe it or not, I believe you and your friends have been brought together because of the similarities in your lives. I just think God works that way.

The term shrink is offensive to some, I suppose. It means something to me... mine helped me shrink the enormity of everything by dicing it into digestible bites I could begin to chew. It was just too much taken together. I am not saying to see one, you know what it does or doesn't do for you. The priest sounds awesome, not pushy, just inquisitive enough to keep the 'download' fromcrashing, he's a keeper.

Being afraid of another loss is probably one of the most common symptoms we talk about here. We want to guard ourselves from further injury and we do feel paranoid with worry and vigilence. The dread can be as paralyzing as a loss. If you can keep some perspective between what is and what could be (but may never happen) you might feel less scared. Its tough but can be done.

The true beauty of this forum is we all want to be here and so many know that need to express without being judged- to just vent all the crazyness. Thats what we're here for. Go for it!

V--