i dont really have faith...

i've gone to church most of my life, although i've yet to find a church that I completely agree with. I lost my grandfather in March to suicide and he was super involved in the Methodist church. The entire church turned out for his funeral and one of things he wrote in his note was that he hoped God forgave him. I guess I'm just stumped on why a person with as much faith as my grandfather had chose to take his own life. I'm sure it's one of those things that I will never know.

My brother has found solace in religion as well. He switched from Catholicism after a person at his church told him that my grandfather was in hell. I will be forever grateful for his new church for helping cope with this loss.

I guess I'm just looking for a reason to believe...

Ashleynicole, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. You ask a good question--and I can only answer for myself;
I have a very strong faith also, yet there are times (especially now after my son's passing) I have wanted to take my
life too. Any of us (even with a strong faith) can find ourselves at that point. Depression, anxiety, deep emotional pain,
physical pain, etc. There are many reasons why a person might do what your grandfather did, and even people of faith
can feel despair. I believe God welcomed your Grandfather into Heaven with open arms.
I'm very sorry your brother had to endure what that person said to him, but it's good he is finding help at his new church.
I encourage you to keep looking for those reasons to believe.......if you have the strength, maybe try a new church--
you may come to one that feels right to you...ask God to lead you to one...sending you a (((HUG)))

Hi ashleynicole,
There is nothing God cannot forgive.
Mark 3.28 "Verily I say unto you, all their sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and their blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme" (v.28).

I always like to share my story with others. I think God is kind to me. there are four sign God show me and it very important for me.

When i am waiting for my mum body in mortuary, i sensed someone beside me. i knew it was Jesus. i cried. On the way back with my mum body, i cried and ask God to rain to show my mum in heaven. It rained.
After a while , when my faith was low, i ask God to show me rain again. It rained again! 2 times in a single days.
After the funeral finished, i basically smoked everynight. i noticed past few days there are no stars at all. So i made a prayers and ask God to show me a star to prove my mum was in heaven. ( see how low my faith was)
There suddenly out of a corner of the sky, i saw a STAR! i looked closer and saw another star too. there are 2 stars. i tell myself it GOD AND MUM!

Few weeks later, while i was down again, i was holding a bible, and ask God to direct me which page to read.. and to my surprise, i flipped to PALSM 121 , the exact verse i heard from my pastor earlier. it goes like below.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Amen.

The above really keep me going but sometimes the grieve really hit me hard like today.
I just want to say keep your faith there, i know it tough, take it slowly bit by bit.

SOmetimes i think human lives are like fallen leaf..
When winter come, the leaves fall.
When someone shake the trunk, the leaves fall.
No leaves can be with the tree forever.
Even the tree itself will not be forever.

God bless all of you.

ashleynicole,

I do not define my "faith" by comparison to the faith of anyone else... my exploration of what spirit and beyond mean to me is personal as I think it is for each of us. I have however read recently a book by C.S. Lewis... writer, devout christian ... who himself went through long, painful questioning of all his beliefs after the death of his beloved wife. The book is: "A Grief Observed". Not only does it very aptly mirror what we say here about the grief journey, so many commonalities with all of us, but details his feelings about his God after her death... just a glimpse of what the stark reality of loss is all about for us wee human beings.

Sending light from my heart to you...