If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

This forum is for people that have suicidal thoughts. We hope that we can offer words of encouragement and hope to you. If you choose to write a letter here, we ask that you put a lot of thought and care in your letter. Choose your words carefully. Don't preach. Don't berate. Don't write anything negative.

If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby Blossom » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:11 am

From a website...
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ (you will have to go to this site to be able to click on the links in the article below)

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you're reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won't argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you're still reading, and that's very good. I'd like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you're at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let's hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Start by considering this statement:

Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.

That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don't accept it if someone tells you, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it's just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what's going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
(In Australia, call Lifeline Australia at telephone: 13 11 14
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Well, it's been a few minutes and you're still with me. I'm really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let's give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won't be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It's time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I'd like you to call someone.

And while you're at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.

Additional things to read at this site:

How serious is our condition? ..."He only took 15 pills, he wasn't really serious..." if others are making you feel like you're just trying to get attention... read this.

Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.

The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.

Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.

A 4 minute depression quiz ...maybe you have depression and want to find out right now, scientifically, at no cost.

Symptoms of depression ...the specific symptoms of a full blown episode of clinical depression

Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.

Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.

What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs.

Other online sources of help:
The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.

Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.

Depression support group online: Psych Central Depression Support Group - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter, it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.

Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide - and other mental health needs.

Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.

If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.

Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.

Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book

Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book

I make no profit whatsoever on the books. Every penny received is given to The Samaritans to support their lifesaving work.

* I hope that article and link was helpful. The fellow who wrote it forgot to say one thing, so I will.
I don't know you...but I know I love you. Take care.
Blossom x

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby Crystl » Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:01 pm

well done for posting that blossom
I've read it many times and hope it helps someone who is struggling with those thoughts
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby ARDsMother » Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:25 am

... and this is excellent information for how to be a good friend. We can
all use this when trying to support someone we believe may be struggling
at any give time. Please muster the courage the initiate a conversation...
ASK how the person feels s/he is coping with their situation. ASK if
s/he is feeling overwhelmed... ASK if suicide has crossed their mind...
LOOK into their eyes.

Finally, BE PREPARED to assist by offering to be available to talk or to help find
a therapist, to find a helpline if financial resources are the issue, etc. Often
all it takes to survive suicidal ideation is assistance with just one or two major
issues. Remember to remind: where there is life there IS hope.

Thank you, Blossom, for your post.
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby MotherofGabriel » Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:26 pm

I just read this and went to the link. I immediately jumped to handling a call because my son called me three days before he committed suicide. In looking at the steps, it seems I handled the call correctly. He unloaded despair, depression, lonelines, prior drug use, not feeling worthy, etc. and I listened. He never, ever said that it was so bad that he couldn't go on any longer. He still said some things that made me concerned enough to alert his dad to check on him (I live in FLorida and my son lived in NY where his dad is). I told him that his dad and I would do anything we could to help him. He told me he didn't want to be institutionalized, and that he was smart enough to know that there was something wrong with him. The call with my son was interrupted by someone knocking on his door and my son yelling, "I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone"! I know he wanted to stay on, but then said, "I gotta go." Sensing that he was about to hang up, I yelled, "I love you, Gabriel! I love you, Gabriel!" He said, "I love you, too, ma," and hung up. I knew something was very wrong because between Thurs the 14th and Friday the 14th, my son and I had four conversations. The last one concerned me the most.
That whole weekend I asked his sister several times, "Please call your brother." She never did. I waited to hear back from his dad but only received the dreaded call on Jan. 17, 2011. Do I wish I could have done more? You bet! Do I know what that would have been and what impact it would have? Not really.
Love and hugs to all on this site.
Until I see you in Heaven, my beautiful boy. I will always love you, Mom.
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby Blossom » Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:55 pm

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Gabriel. I know that it doesn't seem to matter what we are exposed to or read (meaning the original post), we are at the mercy of seeing it through the eyes of where we are at. You are a loving mother and you always will be, to your boy and your daughter. I still remember the day when the words came out of my mouth - "I still worry about him' - and one small deliverance of peace has stayed with me - realising that I COULD still worry about my son, I was allowed to. Small stuff, but big stuff.

The turning points (or what we think are turning points), where we could have made our loved ones survive the crisis, are both a burden and a freedom (although I might have mentally bopped the person who said that to me 6 mths ago). I see glimpses of freedom on the horizon now, 1 year later...only glimpses, but true all the same. I dearly wish for this to come to you too...laying it down, wrestling with the ins and outs, over and over, seems to be part of the painful path...I completely understand your feelings...I used to wonder when it would cease being so complicated...the questions, the scenarios...it didn't get less complicated...it just got less consuming (more often)...and other things have grown within, without, and alongside. I don't know if it was grief fatigue (I actually got bored with my grief) that allowed those glimpses or a combination of many things (probably), but while that painful path was necessary, I have travelled off and on with some very good folk here. I hope you do too.
Blossom x

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby MotherofGabriel » Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:51 am

I have read some of your posts and find them very full of compassion as is this one. Thank you for the care and understanding and for the wish you have for me.
Until I see you in Heaven, my beautiful boy. I will always love you, Mom.
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Re: If you are thinking about suicide...read this first

Postby oaksmith » Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:09 pm

Your words brought me much relief....I knew my husband's pain was excruciating. You helped me to see his side to it. The pain was too great.
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