Tommy and David

Hi all, like sueonboard, this forum being so quiet compels to tell the story of my dad and brother.

While growing up all I understood was that my dad drank and sometimes he beat up my mom. She divorced him when I was about 6. I had two younger brothers, David two years younger than me and Michael, 3 years younger than me. When I had just turned 8, my mom, who also drank, decided she needed help and checked herself into rehab. She gave my brothers and I two choices for where to live: with her friend Laura or with our dad. My brothers chose to live with our dad, I chose Laura because by then I'd learned to greatly distrust my dad. While my mom was in rehab, my dad checked into a psychiatric hospital - he'd tried to kill himself, my grandfather wrestled a shotgun off him I was told some years later when I could better understand. Also told to me years later, while my dad was in the hospital he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He refused to take his meds because he thought the staff were trying to poison him, was violent during his stay, etc. His insurance ran out and they released him despite his claims that he would kill someone if they let him go. Shortly after he was released, my mom completed her treatment and came home sober. I returned home with her before my brothers because where I was staying was closer. My brothers were scheduled to come home the following weekend. But the police called one night, I happened to answer. They said my dad and David, my middle brother, were missing. Mom and I drove the hour to where my dad lived, with his parents, and waited all day to hear from the police. I was left at a neighbor's house. I fell asleep on a sleeping bag on the floor while my mom was out searching with the police late into the night. I remember waking up to her kneeling over me, I only remember her saying "David is dead." The next thing I remember is riding in the backseat of a car while the sun rose. I'd heard somewhere that a good way to test if you're dreaming is to pinch yourself, so I pinched my arm real hard and it hurt so I knew this was all really happening. I don't remember when I heard that my dad had killed David and then himself. I was moved from person to person in the following days because it was terrible for my mom. She started drinking again. I remember thinking that my dad drank and he killed my brother, so I was afraid that with my mom drinking, she would kill me. Things stayed bad for a while, I had to live with another family for over a year while my mom was in and out of rehabs and psychiatric hospitals, but eventually she came home sober and stayed that way.

As I grew up I heard more about my dad: that unfortunately for me, I knew him at his worst. I'm told by mom and and his family that before he succumbed to alcoholism and schizophrenia, he had been a very creative and sensitive man. He wrote poems and short stories, played a lot of pranks and loved nature. For many years, into my late teens and early adulthood, I hated and was angry at my dad as if he had been sane; as if he did what he did with a full presence of mind. I hate that David's memory feels like a dream to me now, sometimes it's like I have to remind myself that I had another brother, and I blamed my dad for that fully. But I started to learn to forgive, so essential! As long as we remain bitter, we're not free. And in the process was able to emotionally be aware that my dad was delusional, and thus forgive as much as possible...and now have more peace than I'd had most my life.

I can't stop remembering though. Since I was 8 years old I've been rewinding and replaying all these memories I have of my dad and David, it's all I really have left of them. I'll take a drive, and remember them. Make dinner thinking of them, etc. It's been 23 years and still they're there. I dislike that because of how violently they died, I don't feel free to speak about them to people, the story is too shocking to say comfortably. I dance around it with co-workers, don't mention I ever had another brother (that hurts) and if my dad comes up talk about him in the past tense with no details. I feel forced to keep it secret, that's my prime lack of peace these days.

Anyway, I'm terrible at conclusions so there you have it. I'm sorry to meet you all here given why we've all come. But, I'm grateful for those who can understand.

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Pegasus

Such heavy burden you have to carry beginning as a small child. I can only imagine how dreamlike it is for you sometimes and how that only adds to your heartbreak.

Its is sad that you have to keep secrets to guard others. I think we all feel that at times, I'm sad that for you its a life sentence. The general public does not have the ears and eyes blossom describes. These truths don't go down well with coffee.

I am so glad you posted. This section is a little bare for many of the reasons you encounter, I'm happy you felt the safety to share. You sound so wise and I look forward to hearing more from you. Your story and journey are like gold and like blossom I gain truths and hope in them.

I am sorry for losses of your brother and dad and admire your survival. Bless them and bless you Pegasus!
V--

Hi Pegasus

I am very sorry for the loss of David and Tommy. Please pull up a chair with us here and come back as often as you need.

I have already learned 2 things from meeting you here -....we never stop healing....we never stop growing - thank you.

It sounds like it is so hard to be forced to live a life without divulging the story of your pain to others. 6 mths ago I would have been shocked by your story, but my understanding of mental health has come along in leaps and bounds and I am pretty well not shocked by people's stories....rather, I have eyes and ears for the person or people who live the aftermath - that means you matter very much. I hope you find some affinity with and support from the people who post here.

Blossom x
ps I worry a bit about memories becoming dreamy....do you think that jotting them down might jog your memory and start a flow of recall?

Blossom, thanks so much for your kindness and understanding, it's greatly appreciated.

About your PS, I've tried, but they're so vague in my head that in the act of trying to make them concrete I feel like they become false. I think I will continue to try all the same, it would seem like a release to have the memories on paper and not just in my head.

Pegasus

Such heavy burden you have to carry beginning as a small child. I can only imagine how dreamlike it is for you sometimes and how that only adds to your heartbreak.

Its is sad that you have to keep secrets to guard others. I think we all feel that at times, I'm sad that for you its a life sentence. The general public does not have the ears and eyes blossom describes. These truths don't go down well with coffee.

I am so glad you posted. This section is a little bare for many of the reasons you encounter, I'm happy you felt the safety to share. You sound so wise and I look forward to hearing more from you. Your story and journey are like gold and like blossom I gain truths and hope in them.

I am sorry for losses of your brother and dad and admire your survival. Bless them and bless you Pegasus!
V--

Thank you ScottsMom, I appreciate what you do here.

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I am so sorry for your loss. My husband shot himself 10 months ago . He was being treated for psychotic mania and tat day he took meth and drank quiet a bit. Meth made his psychosis drastically worse and my guess is that he thought that devil was chasing him as a result he decided on getting himself before devil get shim (he did something like that in the past) sometimes I wonder if he would have done something to hurt me … It is not likely but you never now… See this guy, when I fell in love with him 4 years ago , was colorful , maybe a little crazy but was not insane , then we were separated for a about 2 years and meanwhile he had lost his sanity to hard drugs and stress factors .. it was so heart breaking ….

Dear Pegasus: I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your father and brother. So young to carry such heartache - my heart reaches out to you. I am glad you have found this forum, it has helped me so much and please know that we are all here for you. Keep talking and talk some more - such good therapy for us all. Sending you hugs,

Lanie
Moderator

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband shot himself 10 months ago . He was being treated for psychotic mania and tat day he took meth and drank quiet a bit. Meth made his psychosis drastically worse and my guess is that he thought that devil was chasing him as a result he decided on getting himself before devil get shim (he did something like that in the past) sometimes I wonder if he would have done something to hurt me … It is not likely but you never now… See this guy, when I fell in love with him 4 years ago , was colorful , maybe a little crazy but was not insane , then we were separated for a about 2 years and meanwhile he had lost his sanity to hard drugs and stress factors .. it was so heart breaking ….

Ragingbull,

My mom told me that in my dad's delusions a motorcycle gang led by my mother was his primary hallucination (according to the doctor's in the hospital he'd been in), so my mom seemed to think in a twisted way maybe he thought he was "protecting" David by killing him, so she couldn't? Maybe that comforted her, but it made me wonder why he didn't "love" me enough to "protect" me too! How sad! Anyway, my point really is I relate to your situation. I think sometimes the fact that my dad, and maybe for you your husband, that since they were not sane, maybe it's a little easier (bear with me)? Like they were victims and therefore it's easier to forgive. But the hurt of it, the mess of it, the violence of it - that's still terrible so it's just this wreck you deal with. I think I'm not being very uplifting! Sorry. Again, my intent is to relate.

How are you doing? The year anniversary is coming up for you, do you have someone to talk to in person, support?