Lost my special girl

[Chelsea]

Grant, "for us there is no normal any more". That sums it up completely and totally. Sadly our lives will never be the same.
I have lost loved ones before. My father, whom I was so close to, died unexpectedly and way too young. At that time, the devastation was immense. But it does not compare at all to the losses we all have had. A death by suicide is like no other. There will always be the lingering question, what could I have done. You are right, it is an alien world, we go thru the motions of living, breathing, trying to remember to eat, trying to focus on work. But life is empty and isolated from others. If I did not have work, I would never go out of my house. That is not healthy, but that's how it is. It has been almost 4 months for me, and I wish I could say it is getting better, but friday and saturday were two of the worst days I've had since it happened. Go figure. I miss him now more than ever. I have no idea why. I keep on waiting, for they say time heals all things. Does it really? I don't think so. For others on this site, how long does it take before you can go a day without crying, a second without the ache? Your Cassie sounds like an amazing girl. Please know thoughts are with you and everyone on here. The pain we struggle with will make us stronger, or eat us alive. Wishing I had some purpose in life, for all my dreams, my future is gone. You are blessed to have a family to support you. His family blames me, and won't talk to me. I try to understand how they feel, so I respect it. But it's hard. Just feeling so alone. Hugs and prayers to all.
~Chelsea

[Grant]

I had a very short but vivid dream about my Cassie yesterday. I had just got back from visiting my parents - which is where Cassie died just after Christmas. Just before I woke up I dreamt that me and Cassie were walking hand in hand along the street. She turned to me, kissed me, looked deep into my eyes as she had done so many times and said: "Honey, I'm sorry. I've stolen your breath, haven't I?" In the dream I cried a little and said "Yes, you have".

And that was all - I woke up. It was sad and lovely at the same time. It felt so real - she truly was there - I could feel her deep love and genuine sorrow at the pain that I was suffering now. It makes me tearful to write about it again, but the main feeling was happiness at seeing my darling Cassie again and I suppose realising that she knew how much I missed her.

[Grant]

Having a bad couple of hours. I handed in the words that I would like them to put in the Book of Remembrance at the chapel where Cassie's memorial service took place. You only get 5 lines, and I'd written them a while ago, but left them to see if I felt OK about them. I did, but going back to the chapel was hard. It brought back so many memories - so many thoughts of my darling Cassie. The birds were singing in the trees near the chapel, and it's a nice day. A day that Cassie never got to see.

I couldn't help thinking of how great she was getting her qualifcation in zoology with no schooling and no help from her family. And how she would have so loved becoming a vet nurse as she was planning to do this year. And how she would have loved to pick out little clothes for our baby when it arrived, and how she would have loved dressing him/her up. And all these things that she wanted, and never got to do. If only I'd talked to her about them that night - she would have made it through the night and then who knows... I feel that I let her down. She needed me to be strong that night and I wasn't strong enough. I thought I'd done enough - but it wasn't. And I can never go back and make it right. We were so close to a breakthrough - I really felt that. And now I can never be truly happy - my heart is torn apart and I feel so empty inside. I loved Cassie so much. She was my world. My life. I know she will always be inside my heart, but I just want her back so much.

[Chelsea]

I've been out of town for a few days, and not been on the site, and I just read the recent posts. Grant and Lanie, I am somehwhat envious that you've had "dreams" where your lost one appeared in a dream that seemed so real. I've read that on here several times from different people, even if it's a dream, as Lanie says, "it's Cassie's way of letting you know she is okay". Please try to find a little peace in that. I would give anything in the world to hold my love and to tell him how much he meant to me. It haunts me every second that he died without knowing that. I feel like I let him down, and your last post broke my heart, I experience those same feelings, that same guilt. I wish I had the magic answer to make it go away, or even be able to live with without crying everyday and feeling so sad and lost. Your Cassie sounds like such an amazing girl. Smart and ambitious, I am positive she knew how much you loved her and how proud you were of her. My love too, took my soul when he left. I don't know how to get it back. Half of me is gone. He made me everything I am today, and I don't know how to carry on without him. What scares me the most is I'm not sure I really want to. Please try to find peace in knowing that she knew how much you loved her.
Hugs and prayers to everyone on this site,
~Chelsea

[Grant]

A sad day for me yesterday. I had to take my little jack russell, Homer, to the vet yesterday and ask for him to be put to sleep. He was quite old, and an old spine injury had resurfaced and the poor wee thing could no longer walk and was in pain despite his meds. It was such a hard thing to do, but I couldn't let him suffer. We spent the last day just sitting and being together and I was with him as he went quickly and peacefully at the vets.

When I came back the flat felt so quiet, so empty. Cassie, me and our little dog had been a trio. They were the two best things in my life and now both are gone. Even though Homer didn't make any noise, his spirit still filled the flat when he was there. And I think too that part of Cassie lived within him. So with his passing, a part of Cassie's spirit seems to have left the flat as well. The change in the feeling of atmosphere was almost physical - even as I walked through the door. It was very unnerving and horrible. It feels so different in here now, and I feel so alone.

[ScottsMom]

I'm sorry to hear this, it is very hard to live with doing the right thing sometimes. That empty space occupied by the spirit of a life- that housewarming effect and comforting ambiance lent simply by the presence of another, whether human or animal is unsettling. We were talking about this in group last night- the sensation of just knowing they are there and how the absence of even that knowing add to the obvious void.

Letting your little dog go and with him some of Cassie too, well, I understand. Its not about what we can see or touch but no les real - maybe more so.

Holding your lonely heart
V--

[Chelsea]

Oh Grant, I am so very sorry. I have a dog, am a huge dog person, and
I feel your pain. I wish the people I know were as nice as the dogs I know.
Dogs are there for you when no one else is. My dog has seen me
thru the worst possible times, I often cry myself to sleep on the
bathroom floor, when I wake up, she is always there next to me.
I wish humans could learn from dogs. They love you
unconditionally and are always loyal.
Please know your dog is with
Cassie, in a better place. V is right, sometimes the best thing is not the
easiest thing. You are the better person for putting your beloved pet to rest.
It's never easy to let go. It is wonderful you had the courage to sit with him
when he went to lay to rest. He was at peace and is now with your beloved
Cassie. We are thinking about you, you are not alone. We care.
Hugs and prayers to you,
Chelsea

[medebs]

I am so sorry Grant. I lost my Petie to old age last year and it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I had him cremated. He will be aburied with me along with my dad's ashes, my grandfather's ashes-and sorry to say-my dear brother Christopher's ashes. Most of his ashes are going to be scattered in the Gulf of Mexico, but I managed to get some and will take him with me to Canada where our family plot is located. I know my Petie is up there waiting for me, as is you dear Homer. I must say I adopted a Chihuahua in October 2010 (I never thought in a million years I would have a Chihuahua. Her name is Tink. She was abused and ferrell for the first year of her life. She is kind and timid and shy-but couldn't replace Petie. Darn if I didn't go and adopt another dog-guess what kind? Yes-another Chihuahua mix. Her name is Lil' Punkin and she is the total opposite of Tink. My husband and I were just talking about how we never could have made it through all of this without "our girls". Punkin is six months old (why did I get a puppy?) They love unconditionally and will never hurt you. Eventually maybe you will be able to give some homeless doggie a new place in your heart. The two I must say keep me on my toes and Petie would have hated them...oh well....He only had love for me but will have to know the girls will be with us too in heaven. Please know I send my hearfelt sorrow for the loss of Cassie and Homer. It must be tough, but know we are wiith you in heart!

[tomslove52]

Grant,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Cassie.
I know the pain you're going through-I lost my soulmate
on 2/18/2011 and feel that my life is over. He was everything to me
and I'm completely lost without him. It has been just over a month since I
found him and the memories of that night haunt me and probably always
will. Family and friends are a great comfort but it only goes so far-
because they can't know what you're feeling...but here, people seem
to understand. Hang on tight to the good memories and the love you
and Cassie(and Homer) shared-it's not gone. That love with always be
with you and one day you will all be together again.
Take care of yourself and be safe,
Christi

[Grant]

Thanks to all for your nice words. It was very sad to say goodbye to my dog, and I'm so grateful that he held on for an extra few months to help me through the nightmare of Cassie taking her own life. I don't think I could have survived those first weeks without the wee guy. I've still left his things around the flat, and I have a photo of Cassie holding Homer on my window. I suddenly stopped in front of it last night, and was struck by a very powerful feeling that Cassie was telling me that she and Homer were together now and that she was looking after him for me. It just made me look at that photo in a totally different way. It was comforting, sad, and nice all at the same time.

I still have not been able to move a single bit of Cassie's stuff in the flat. Her suitcase is still open with her favourite tops visible; her PJs by the bed; her dressing gown in the cupboard; her clothes on the rail; the poster that she made about her future (...which breaks my heart every time I see it) still stuck on the bedroom door. I can't do it. I don't even want to. I like having them around. I guess part of me thinks that if I even tidy it up, that is admitting she can never come back. Maybe I'm just not ready? How have others coped with their loved one's things?