I'm sorry to burden you further .....

[BobW58]

Dear survivors of suicide,

I don't feel feel right burdening you with my grief. I am old enough to be the father of most of you (I'm 53) . Many of you have lost children and spouses and I don't feel worthy of your attention but I am really struggling right now and need someone to lean on. My brother Frank shot himself on June 13th. He had been struggling with depression for over 30 years but as recently as six weeks ago he told me he had cured himself through jogging (nine miles per day) and I had nothing more to worry about.

My brother Dan and I would meet with Frank every Wednesday night for happy hour at a local bar. We would laugh ourselves silly and Frank always told me it was the highlight of his week. When he didn't show up that fateful Wednesday night my brother Dan and I weren't all that concerned. We figured Frank had something pressing (he was a CPA) and couldn't make it.

At 8:30 that night, long after I'd arrived home, his friend called me to tell me that he'd received a letter from Frank that sounded dark and he went to see him. That poor man found Frank's body.

I am completely devastated. I can't talk to to anyone about this. My wife is recovering from critical injuries she suffered in a car accident recently and is currently confined to a hospital bed in our living room. I have no one else to turn to but my siblings who are going through trauma as well. Some of them have even bigger problems. I don't have the strength, will, or motivation to work right now. Thank God my employers are sympathetic to my plight and don't pressure me to work. Most days I can't even get out of bed until 9 AM when I usually rise at 5:00 AM.

I cry a lot, I can't concentrate on anything, I haven't been myself at all, and last weekend I had the most emotional breakdown I've ever suffered. My wife gave me a "to do" list and I snapped. I called her selfish, collapsed on the floor and wailed like I have never done in my life. I pounded my fists onto the floor screaming, "Noooooooooo, Frank, Noooooooooo". I completely lost it. I am so humiliated I can't tell you. I am supposed to be the rock. I am nothing more than a jellyfish right now. I hurt so badly I can't put it into words.

I don't know how to move forward. I am starting to see a psychologist right now but I don't know that its helping. I could really use the insight of someone who has been where I am now to guide me, please. Again, I'm old enough to be your father which humiliates me even more that I am having such a hard time. You'd think that at my age I'd have figured things out by now, but nothing in my life has ever hit me this hard.

To those of you who have suffered greater losses I humbly apologize. Please understand I am not trying to divert attention from you.

Sincerely,

Bob

[cali]

BobW, first, you are among peers. We are of all ages on this site, from 8 to 90. Many of us are in our 50's. I am well into them. Suicide affects people of every age.
2 weeks into surviving the suicide of a loved one is total shock, total crisis mode. Every cell in your body is reacting to this, and you must drink a ton of water to help flush the shock through your system. Rest is good, and doing what you can, when you can is helpful too.
I am so sorry you lost your brother. Everyone's reaction to the loss of a loved one to suicide is unbearably profound. Our pain is our pain, and we do not feel it less because of anyone else's. So please, don't apologize for feeling. It's the most normal, human, real- and hurtful thing. Becoming a zombie is worse- that happens sometimes too, when coping runs out and we go on overload.

Please make use of this site whenever you want to. It is here for everyone who needs it, and we all support each other.
If I may give some advice, besides drinking water and resting- treat yourself with kid gloves right now. Look for small comforts, and do remember the good things between you and Frank. They are still there. His death cannot take that away. He was doing the best he knew how, he was trying. You love him. A terrible, terrible thing happened to him, and to you and everyone who cared for him, and nothing will ever be the same, but you will learn, slowly- frustratingly slowly, how to adjust. Reaching out is one of the ways. You have found a good place to come and write whenever you need to, and read what others are going through too. Is there also someone you can reach out to- a friend or family member of your wife's maybe, who can help with her care sometimes?

Some people- and often they are men, think they should figure this out and adjust pretty quickly, and then they judge themselves when it doesn't happen. Adjusting to suicide loss does not happen on a schedule. I think it happens in layers and pieces. It's just not orderly at all. I have found myself stepping backwards, sideways, up, down, bent crooked, rolled up in a ball, staring blankly into space, overwhelmed to the point of complete non-function, broken into a million pieces, and once in a while forward. I hope your psychologist proves helpful to you. - You will know. If it's not right, find another, and if you can find a group in your area, that may be helpful too, when you feel ready. Know that most people don't understand this loss and don't know how to act or what to say. It flat out sucks, but it's true.
((((Bob)))) you have every right to be here and to feel what you feel. I am so very sorry you lost your precious, beautiful brother, Frank. You can lean here. All of us do, and somehow we hold each other up.
cali

[briansfolks]

Bob,
You are in crisis mode now, it's not going to be natural. Even the basic chores are going to be difficult, just do the best you can right now.
Try to get bills paid on time and just the BASIC TASKS that would mushroom into bigger problems if not taken care immediately, the world has not stopped for others just for us.
Not sure how and when you will level with your wife, as she needs you now and has no idea of what you are shouldering. Perhaps she would not heal as quickly is she knew about your brother and it's a heavy anvil for you to operate with all this burden. Maybe if she knew , her understanding would comfort you? She needs to heal and is frustrated that she cannot complete the work list, she has comfort knowing you will help her and now you are hurting about your brother....I see why you chose to not tell her, we did not tell my parents in the nursing home, we had to intercept newspapers and caution visitors.

I too am 53, we lost our son the same method 6 months ago, it was very difficult, we had neighbors come to our home to comfort and bring us food, to sit and listen.
There are no short cuts to your new life without your brother, time alone will not soften the loss, all emotions will need to be explored, and there will be days that your progress will go backwards. The police chief tried to not allow me to learn details of what happened, I badgered him until he gave me the report and learned more, because the entire event replays in my head constantly.
You won't run into many friends that are in your shoes, this forum however exists because we are survivors of suicide.
Don't let anybody tell you how to feel or how to be....including me, but please understand that I just want to help you.

Brian's dad

[Crystl]

dear Bob..I'm so sorry for your loss..
what you're feeling is ok and you have every right to feel as you do..
you have so much on your plate, my heart goes out to you..

I am older than you so don't worry about your age being a barrier..
we understand your pain and I hope that offers some small comfort..
I lost my son 2 and a half years ago and for a long time would drive to a secluded spot and scream my head off in the car...it helped at the time!
whatever you feel you need to do is ok, so don't feel ashamed to let 'it' out.

Is there anyone else who can share the care of your wife for a while until you feel better able to cope with your loss?
this grief after suicide is very draining and likened to riding a roller coaster ride..

know we're here to walk with you on this journey through grief..
remember to take care of yourself *hug*

[stillhurting2010]

Hi, Bob...

I am so sorry for your loss...Please don't be embarrassed about your age...unfortunately, suicide affects every age, gender, culture, race, religion, etc....there are no exceptions..

You have a lot on your plate right now...you shouldn't feel bad about breaking down that day...you needed that release...and, trust me, smaller things than a grocery list set me off when I lost my husband...even seeing the sun bothered me...I wanted it to be dark, gray, and gloomy out...like the way that I was feeling...You have the added pressure of your wife recovering...that is stressful in and of itself...so please don't beat yourself up...

Following my husband's death, I stayed with my family....immediately after, we didn't take each day at a time....we took each half hour at a time...baby steps...it was all we could handle..and that was ok...

As far as further advice, while I didn't eat much, I drank a lot of fluids at my family's request....when I did begin to eat a little, I ate whatever I could hold down at that point...and I found this forum, which had provided me such great advice and support...it became my outlet, so to speak...

I know that the loss of your brother is devastating....and no one can replace him....maybe just holding your wife's hand, even in silence, can offer you some comfort...you had mentioned that she was in a car accident...while no one can replace your brother, your wife is with you and loves you, even if she needs additional support right now...I hope that came out right...and that you understand what I mean...

Wishing you some peace....

[Freedobandia]

I hurt for you....don't be ashamed. We are all in the same boat. This is a horrible pain and I am hoping time will ease it.

[suepred]

I am sorry for your loss of your brother. Age does not matter here as a survivor of suicide. i lost my husband 10 months ago this month. Be good to yourself and gentle you have found a great place for help in this site. I have found great help in my s.o.s. group in my city . Wishing you some peace in your journey, and posting here and just reading is often helpful. Prayers to you suepred.

[Bereaved1]

Age does not matter for lots of things. See my Post at viewtopic.php?f=22&t=2374&start=10#p17451 (((hugs)))

[heartbrokenca]

I just read your post, so I am sorry if I am late in responding. I am sorry that you grew up in an era when men had to the rock. You are human after all. Stop trying to control your emotions and pretending to be a rock and acting like you can do it all. For the first 4 months after I lost my 18 year old nephew to suicide, I could not remember anything. Like I would need a letter opener to open my letter and on the way to the drawer I would forget what I was going to do. I would make a list to grocery shop and would forget the name of the items I needed. at the end I would forget the list at home and walk aimlessly in the store. Tear up and come home.
August 4, 2012 will be one year since I lost the love of my life. I dont forget the items now. I take it day by day. Somedays are harder than others. Some are not so bad.
Some days I want to shout to the world to stop turning, bc we left someone great behind. But through it all, I know that our time on earth is limited. We will see them again in heaven. I guess that is where faith comes in. I admit that sometimes it is difficult to keep faith, but without it, I find it impossible to go through this.
I hope you allow yourself to fall apart, so you can let out the pain and so that your healing can begin.
Until then you have us. We are here. Not to judge you, but to listen. We are all in the same boat.
Hugs