Feeling Numb

An area especially for those who are newly bereaved by suicide. If you feel alone or need extra help, please let us know.

Feeling Numb

Postby FluffySolo » Sat May 12, 2012 10:11 pm

I lost my husband of 16 years to suicide on April 18th of this year. His parents and sister are devastated. Our children have their ups and downs. I often just feel numb and tired. For some reason I just can't seem to get past thinking that he'll be coming home from work every night like he used to. I know, intellectually, that this isn't the case, but some part of me just keeps looking forward to talking with him about the kids, or a joke he'd like, or whatever . And then I remember he's never coming home. I keep thinking that if only he'd waited, there would have been something that I (or someone) could have done. He'd been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder and had made an appointment with his psychiatrist for early May (or a cancellation if available.) I know he thought his medication was off. To me, he seemed so tired I didn't think he could come up with the energy for a suicidal impulse (obviously, I was mistaken.) I just wish he'd been able to hold out until things could be fixed, or gotten emergency treatment. Now, I just try to get through each day. But I'm sleeping 9 hours a night and then another 5 hours in the day when the kids are in school. When I'm awake, I often feel like I'm walking through molasses or something. It seems as though every movement is a monumental effort. I know I need to take care of the kids and the bills and I'm keeping up with that, so far. I just wonder if I'll be able to keep doing everything alone, sometimes.
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby suepred » Sun May 13, 2012 5:39 am

Dear Fluffy your circumstances sound similar to mine. I only wish my husband could have hung on a little longer till we hit the right treatment and help, but no such luck. I lost him on sept15 2011. Please be patient with yourself. Sleep as you need to, drink water, take some vitamins,and keep posting here it helps alot. Everyone understands here. Godbless you in your journey. peace suepred
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby FluffySolo » Sun May 13, 2012 11:31 am

Thanks for your kind words suepred. People tell me it will get better with time, but I don't know. Although we didn't start dating until 1990, I met my husband in 1988. I've known him half my life and him not being here anymore just seems so unreal.
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby lyn » Wed May 16, 2012 8:24 am

Dear FluffySolo,
I lost my husband 2 days before your loss. Our mind has to adjust to our new reality and it takes time. I also slept a lot at first. I have found a therapist that my primary care doctor recommended. I have had to go back to work and those days seem the most surreal. My husband, who was semi-retired, would walk me to the car and send me off with a wave and smile. I had no idea of his despondency. He hid it so well. We must go on for our remaining family. Try and eat and drink. That has been my challenge and I have lost 14 pounds over the last month. I will hold you in my thoughts.
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby FluffySolo » Wed May 16, 2012 2:53 pm

Thanks for the kind words. I'll try to take care of myself
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby lyn » Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:00 am

Dear FluffySolo,
I haven't seen posts on the forum from you in a while. How are you doing? Your husband died 2 days after mine so we are sort of on the same grief timeline I suppose. I hope you are a little better than when last you posted.
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby FluffySolo » Sun Jun 17, 2012 1:53 pm

I've been up and down. This week and especially today is down. I know I need to arrange for help for the kids, but I've just been really low energy.
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Re: Feeling Numb

Postby lyn » Sun Jun 17, 2012 2:42 pm

I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are slowly moving forward like we all are. Yes, it would be strange if today wasn't a real challenge. It is for my family also. I know you have so much on your plate being Mother and Father now. Please remember you sometimes have to put yourself first for a while and get the help that you need so you can do what you want to do for your children. I'm not encouraging drugs, but they are helping me very much at this stage. Without them I don't believe I would have been able to go back to my job. I have close follow up on the drugs and how I react to them through my internist and the psychiatrist working together. I'm thinking of you and your family today. One day at a time, some easier than others. You can prevail.
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