The Days Are So Long

[lostinutah]

Day 31. That's how I mark time lately. 31 days of this new life. Trying to figure out who we are since Zack decided to leave. Seems more like 31 years since we've seen his beautiful smile or heard his voice.

The questions don't stop. the thoughts are never ending.
Did we do enough to help him?
Should we have been able to see what was happening to him?
Should we have insisted that he move home?

I know in my head it would not have been enough, but my heart keeps telling me we should have done more. It's torture.

No one outside of this experience can understand this pain that's never ending. It wakes up with you in the morning and goes to sleep with you at night.

Thank you to this forum of wonderful people who listen when we need to vent, cry and remember.

It helps.....I think.

[psyquestor]

Everything you are feeling is natural. You will no doubt have these questions for a long time. For me, it was years before I realized there was no answer to most of my questions. Even now, nearly four years later, I come up with new questions. Please know that even if you had known all that you do now, it is possible for him to still be gone. I knew how my son was feeling. I had him arrested and taken to the ER. They let him go. The next day we went to another facility who - even after he admitted suicidal thoughts and actions - let him go. Our story is not unusual. I did all that was possible to save my son from his depression - yet he is gone.

Please be gentle with yourself, this is not your fault.

[Blossom]

lostinutah....one dark dark night, I spoke to a phone counsellor from a suicide response service. He said to me that the pain of suicide loss is akin to torture - your words reminded me of that. And yes, I remember feeling that my identity was stripped bare. All of these things are natural as Pysquestor has said....people here DO understand your experience. There are other suicide bereavement groups (I think they are called Survivors of Suicide - SOS, that meet locally in the States - correct me folks if I'm wrong) and good counsellors out there, especially bereavement counsellors. When you are ready to begin seeking the face to face or group support, please know that they are out there. For now, please know that you can speak freely of or list the millions of questions that plague you, put whatever words to pain you need to - we understand and anything goes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve...it's all terrible to be sure, but as well, it is survivable. And it is exhausting, I know.

I am so sorry that you have lost your dear dear Zack. Hold on and let go and hold on again.

Pyquestor, you pre-date me...I have never said that I am sorry for the loss of your dear son. Thank you for lovingly tending the cauldron of grief here on the forum.

[psyquestor]

Thank you Blossom, you are very kind. I'm grateful to have such good people to travel this journey with, though sorry any of us have a reason. (((hugs)))

[lostinutah]

Thank you to you both. I'm grateful there is someplace to come and say the things that need to be said. Today is a better day. Yesterday....not so much. Weird the things you think about through all of this. My husband, stepdaughter and I had counseling last night. Lots of things came out. It was draining, but good I think.

Thank you again and (((hugs)))) to you both.