I am pretty sure your grandparents want to be around you because you are a connection to their son, and they love you... Asking them a question makes room for them to share themselves with you. Older people are generally not in the best of health. But they have the strength of years of experience behind them. They are almost always tougher than you think. You might think of something that could be a lead in to talking about your father to your grandparents. Do you know where your father went to school? If your grandparents ask you about school, you could talk about it a little and then say "What was my Dad like when he was in school?" Or over dinner or dessert- "What was my Dad's favorite dessert?" Or if you know that, you could ask "When did my Dad start liking"....pie, for example. I think jamjam, that you will feel the right moment, and ask a question. I hope you do. It doesn't have to happen all at once. Open the door, just a crack, at first. Trying is better than not trying and just worrying. And if you took them by surprise, someone may come back after a bit and open that door a little more, looking for you, This is an excerpt, copied from the web of a speech given by Frank C. Baker. I never heard of him before, I just was searching the words "what we have here is a failure to communicate," because they popped into my head when you spoke about the breakdown of communication in your family. I mean no disrespect or criticism by that, just that it popped in and led me to this:
When we communicate with others we do so in many different ways and through many different mediums such as speech and writing, body language and gestures, facial expression and eye movement all the while utilizing our senses and emotions. We have never been able to communicate our thoughts and desires by remaining silent, closing our eyes and using any telepathic powers that are present to get our point across. We cannot read the minds of others - or anticipate what actions should be taken - or predict what the outcome of a problem is. It just doesn't work. In order to communicate effectively one must get the words out.
It was the author Thomas Mann who said, "Speech is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradictious word, preserves contact - it is silence which isolates.
What your grandparents have been communicating jamjam, with their eyes welling up with tears, by going to dinner, is that they CARE. Please keep talking to your counselors and find a way to open the door. It might make them cry, but they could be tears of relief, that they get to tell their grandson about their son.
You can also learn about them in the process. You could ask your grandmother how old she was when each of her children were born. Who was the easiest child? Who was the most rambunctious? Was one a bookworm? What was her favorite meal to make? Did they ever go on a family trip together?
You tried to know your father. He didn't communicate well. It's not your fault. It's not, not, not. There is no one right way to approach this. There are myriad ways, and as long as your intent is to learn without wounding, then you will not be wrong. The wound has already occurred, for all of you. Acknowledging it may hurt, but it will not make it worse. It already hurts. There's this, too, you and your family are being quiet because he died of suicide, not because he died. A person's death does not define their whole life. This is a gift to know and acknowledge. A gift you could give to your father, by learning about his life. He had a life, not just a death. It's the truth and your family needs to speak it. I think you got chosen to be the prompter.
Closure for suicide survivors is hard. It's pretty commonly accepted that two years is the minimum
to be able to start to function well again.
There's another option, and then i will stop, sorry for all the words. Get your counselor to tell your family or tell them yourself, after first discussing it with your counselor, that it is in the best interest of your health for them to go to family counseling with you.