Memory problems

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

Memory problems

Postby jimsmom » Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:02 pm

Work has been my refuge and at first people were ok with me forgetting things. I continue to have a problem with misplacing things. I was late for an appointment today because I couldn't find 75 or so letters that were all together, someone handed me a bunch of items to put away and I misplaced them within 15 minutes. Took me another 20 or so minutes to find them. And it's not the first time I've been late for an appointment. Not only do I feel that people are shaking their heads and thinking what an airhead -- I know they are. I was so embarrased today because my problem was witnessed by someone who I work with every day. This is the third time she has helped me find something that I've lost within minutes of receiving. Constantly agologizing isn't the answer any more.

Does your memory still work?

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my mind but no one has noticed yet. Not a good feeling.

Thanks for listening.

Jims mom
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Re: Memory problems

Postby Crystl » Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:16 pm

What memory??? I no longer have one!

I think that goes hand in hand with the loss, grief and the depression that goes with it..
In my case anyway..
I think you are doing an amazing job still working so don't be too hard on yourself..
It's obviously not something you always did and is caused by the loss of your precious son..
are your co workers all aware of your loss? I hope they understand and are willing to help you through this difficult time *hugs*
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Re: Memory problems

Postby jimsmom » Fri Mar 30, 2012 8:40 pm

I am very lucky to work with such good people who have stood besides me since Jim first died. They know about the pain and depression yet seem to like me anyway (hard to believe sometimes). It's just with the passing time I feel like I'm letting them down when I make them work harder because of stupid things I do. They have been so patient and kind, but they all have lives too with the good and the bad. They can't keep propping me up.

Thanks for listening my friend.

*hugs to you too*
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Re: Memory problems

Postby Bereaved1 » Fri Mar 30, 2012 10:33 pm

Me too. I do the stupidest things. Today I felt really sad. I think it's because it's Springtime and that's when Jacob and I met. These Anniversaries really sneak up on you. Also, Mercury is in retrograde until Wednesday. Today, I was walking on 34th Street and noticed tourists who seemed to be lost. So, I asked if I could help one of them and he asked me where Hotel Pennsylvania was. Very sure of myself, I walked him to the corner and pointed to the hotel. I felt stunned when he said that's The New Yorker. Like duh! I have no idea why I mixed up those 2 hotels and felt like a ditz. And, I have been searching for my TV remote for a week. Memory issues are definitely part of it. It's probably because our poor brains are overloaded trying to heal and deal with the present details at the same time. I think it is a great subject for a study.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Memory problems

Postby Bereaved1 » Fri Mar 30, 2012 10:57 pm

It makes perfect sense to me that our brains are trying to function with a part missing. I'm missing Jacob.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Memory problems

Postby cmarie » Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:29 am

Jimsmom, such a good question. I have a similar work place as you- supportive people, and I have been able to find refuge in y work. A welcome respite from the exhaustion of grief.
Misplacing things is just a pain in the ass isn't it? It makes me feel like such a loser. And my work productivity goes way down.
I have had to make some adjustments: I try to be "present" as much as possible, and really pay attention to what I am doing. It's taken some practice, but I have begun to notice when "i am in my head", and not in the moment, and I can take a moment to center and ground myself.
The thing that has worked the best for me is having very specific places for specific things - papers for a meeting go in a file for "upcoming meetings". My keys always go in my pocket... Having rules seems to help me.
I work with a group of pre, post and menopausal women, and we all seem to be in pretty much the same boat. It usually takes 4 of us to piece together a memory of an incident. So, it might not just be grief...
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
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Re: Memory problems

Postby psyquestor » Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:03 am

In three years I've gone from Management to minimum wage. My focus and energy are non-existent and I can't work at my former level. This week I received my first paycheck from my new job; a job I took after quitting a receptionist job in another city. We had discussed wages prior to me taking the job. He said if I could keep up I'd make $3 less an hour than I was before. I picked up my check. I'm making $4 less per hour and I'm STILL struggling.

I've also been having health issues since December. My regular physician thought I needed my gallbladder out, even though the tests didn't show that; just my pain. After going for a second opinion, the other Doctor says "It's all in your head. It's the depression."

I feel like going to bed and just staying there.
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Re: Memory problems

Postby Bereaved1 » Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:28 am

cmarie, your systems are a good idea. I had a system for always putting things in the same place until my latest? trauma of my brutal firing before Christmas. Now it's one money issue after another and my systems have broken down. Yesterday's mishap of showing the tourist the wrong hotel was definitely because I had so many things to be present to at the same time. I was putting out some money fires that involved ATM machine, checks and paying my rent. I did listen to that tourist because I really needed to connect with another human being to ease my anxiety about money. But, I didn't really hear him and just thought hotel.

I think it's a mistake to blame these lapses on anything other than anxiety and overload. We should not buy into any erroneous stereotyping. I'm starting to think about ageism and targeting.

psyquester, does the answer of "all in your head" feel right to your gut? My advice is to write out your physical symptoms and only present to an MD with your physical symptoms first. In my experience, most MDs are better at thinking in departments with physical being the best one they know about. Your emotional issues are for later when you find an MD you connect with.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Memory problems

Postby psyquestor » Sat Mar 31, 2012 4:33 pm

Bereaved1, I just typed out a lengthy post and lost it. Ugh! They have run all sorts of tests and found three cysts. Two in the area of my left ovary and one by my liver. Reading through the tests, I see nothing that explains why I've been in pain for several months. (since December). It could be my gallbladder or I'm just losing it completely. The tests don't show that it needs to come out, but that's what one Doctor was recommending. I have been feeling much better (at first I could hardly lay down without a LOT of pain) although I have a dull ache in my upper right side (just under my lung).

I did want to hear I didn't need surgery. I didn't want to hear that it was all in my head! He honestly stopped looking at me and just started talking to my husband like I no longer mattered. Like a CHILD. After all I've been through, that was it for me. Just the worst thing that could possibly happen. To just be discounted completely like I no longer exist.

My Husband has reached his limit with me, so that's another thing that is keeping me in this perpetual meltdown I'm in. I used to think that things were getting better, but now I see that it's just changing. It always comes back to this.
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http://www.afsp.org

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Re: Memory problems

Postby Crystl » Sat Mar 31, 2012 7:55 pm

Damn this grief is like a chameleon..always changing...
jimsmom I'm so glad your co workers are supportive and understanding...
sometimes it's hard to let others carry some of the weight, even when they're willing..*hug*

psyquestor..I'm really sorry you are enduring this physical pain on top of the already excruciating grief for your son..
I agree with Bereved1's suggestion..don't give up ok..you deserve a decent answer to whats causing this...*hugs*
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