March 14 2012 He left this world...

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March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby vbryan23 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 10:53 pm

I dont know where to start with my story...But, that morning my boyfriend took his life was the worst day ever!! Its only been 12 days I think I am still in shock. Not only did he take his life I am the one who found him dead. He had shot himself in the mouth. I am so sad I have no idea why he did it or why he felt like he couldn't talk to me if he was suffering that bad, We have had talks about his childhood granted it wasn't the best and the night beore we talked about how he wanted to change his life and that he wanted to go back to church but, that he was scared about what people would think. I have always told him do what he feels is right for him and I will support him every step of the way. I figured he was going to try I never thought he would end his life the following day! why me? its so hard to find the person you love dead because they felt like they could no longer deal with life...What about me? what do I do now? I am left with so many questions I am left with an image that will be stuck in my mind forever! I feel like I am going to go crazy because that is all i been thinking about. Its taking over my life I feel lost and empty inside. Why would he do that to me? knowing that I told him if anything were to happen to him I would lose it and then he goes and does this? I dont know I cant even function...
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby vbryan23 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 11:15 pm

I am sorry for not going into details but, I just cannot right now it is very hard for me to even tell my story. Or what I could muster up to tell right now He was only 23 my sweet Adam. I miss him every minute of the day and most nights I don't even sleep anymore. We shared alot of laughter and stories that is why I am so confused he never indicated to me that he was depressed. I know he wasn't happy with the lifestyle he was living but, I just thought he was being a normal college student. I never thought he had so many demons and struggles inside of him. I am confused very confused.
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby cali » Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:33 am

vbryan23, I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful, sweet Adam. The state of shock can last a long time. Please drink a lot of water and take care of yourself. There are so many questions, I know, my son was only 24. Being confused is totally understandable, so is being sad, or angry, or numb, or anxious, and just missing him, and anything else you feel. Shock is how the body and mind and emotions protect you from more than you can handle right now. Are you able to see a counselor and get some help with this? There are ways to fade that image in your mind. What you are describing is ptsd, many of us survivors have it. I am so glad you are remembering the laughter you shared. One of the most helpful things, when the flashbacks happen, is to make yourself go into a happy, loving memory of Adam. Make yourself relive the happy memory like it is happening right now in as much detail as possible, every time the other one shows up. It's like exercising a muscle, difficult at first, but it will get easier.
Remember Adam's death is one terrible event in a life filled with so many other things.
Suicide is confusing, and very difficult to understand - it has many different causes and we are at the beginning of learning about it- but it does not define the life that was lived.
This is what you do now: Don't go through it alone. Talk to counselors, friends, family, other people who cared about him. Practice the memory technique above for flashbacks. Drink a lot of water, for the shock, your body needs it. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. Rest when you can and don't forget to eat. Go easy on yourself. Come to this forum and read and write as much-or as little as you want. Keep yourself safe. There are a lot of caring and supportive people here, and someone will always be here for you. We've all experienced this loss, we understand. Don't hesitate to call a crisis line if you feel the need. I am so sorry that any of us has reason to be here, but you have found a good place to come to whenever you feel the need. I know how hard this is and my heart reaches out to you. And please don't feel that you have to go into details. You absolutely can, if it helps to write it out here. But only when you are ready. No apologies necessary.
Sending you warmth and light and a big hug, cali
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby psyquestor » Mon Mar 26, 2012 6:56 am

((((vbryan23)))) Cali has given some good advice. I'm sorry for the loss that brings you here. I hope you find some comfort in the group, there are a lot of good people here who understand some of what you're feeling. We all have different stories and different paths, but we are all here for one another.
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby vbryan23 » Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:45 pm

Thanks for your advice! I appreciate it. I guess I'm also upset because I didn't get to go to his funeral he lived in another state so his parents had his body flown out to his home town. I wanted to go so bad but, I couldn't... I never got that closure. So all I do is visit his house and leave flowers on his porch. And sit there and cry. I miss him so much!! He made my world shine. I often find myself looking to the sky and asking him why? I hope he knows what he did to me that day. I hope he knows even tho he may not be suffering he left me to suffer even more so now than before. ;(
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby suepred » Tue Mar 27, 2012 6:17 am

Dear vbryan23 I am so sorry for your loss. You are not going crazy but have found one of the many things that will help you in your journey. Everyone here knows your pain. I lost my beloved husband 6 months ago, I also found him after he shot himself in our bed on my side. I still have many images of that day in my mind and also flash back. We are victims of ptsd and need help as well as guidance with our many painful emotions. Use the internet and look for S.O.S. survivors of suicide they helped me find a group Meeting in my city and some other phone numbers that have been helpful. Be kind to yourself, rest when you can,drink lots of water,and eat when you can also. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. peace suepred
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby vbryan23 » Wed Mar 28, 2012 2:05 am

Thank you for sharing this with me. I am looking up groups and going to seek a therapist. I also pray a lot. I never thought I would be a victim of suicide. Not from Adam especially I have no idea why he did it. I miss him every second of the day sometimes I feel like I already half way lost my mind. I have people who tell me to move on and forward but, I can't how can they tell me that after two weeks of losing him?!?! are they crazy? This isn't something u can just up and forget as much as I would like to if it were only that easy. But, I turn it around and ask them what would you do? If it was someone you loved that took there life and you walked in to find them?!. Of course they have no real answer. Anyway thank you again! much love- Vanessa
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Re: March 14 2012 He left this world...

Postby MsFaolin » Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:15 am

Hey,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I also found my boyfriend after he had committed suicide about three months ago. It was so horrible and I also have that awful picture in my head. I was really messed up for about a month and a half where I didnt eat or sleep. I felt like a zombie. Sometimes I would have so many thoughts in my head and emotions going round and round that I would feel like I was going crazy. I was constantly anxious about everything and absolutely nowhere felt safe. I had to go back to varsity less than a month after I found Ryan. I couldnt concentrate in class or at home or do any homework or anything. One day I woke up and I could not get out of bed. I was convinced I needed to die as well. I felt so much guilt and pain and I couldnt stop seeing the image of him every time I closed my eyes. The only thing that kept me from taking my life was that I knew how I felt at that moment because someone I loved took their life and I didnt want to do that to the people that loved me. I went to the Dr and she gave me some light anti depressants. She said I was suffering from PTSD and that I needed to see a counsellor ASAP.

I went to see my therapist and he gave me some techniques to deal with the flashbacks and stuff. Also some study advice. It really helped to talk to someone outside of the situation because I felt like none of my friends understood how I felt and Ryans family was too hurt for me to talk to them. The meds have helped me stay above water so that I can cope with varsity work but I am still very sad a lot of the time. I still have some flashbacks but not as bad as they used to be and sometimes I dream about Ryan, good dreams and bad dreams. Every day I miss him more than the last and I dont think I will ever stop missing him. At the moment I do have some good days and I found that spending time with friends and family is a good thing to do. Stick with people who are close to you and forget the ones who are not supportive.

Some people say you have to find a "new normal" for yourself and it takes a long time.

I hope you are OK and coping with your loss.
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