It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby anangelnamedjordan » Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:12 pm

It is hard enough to lose someone you love and then to have that person die by suicide it almost to much to bear. And to make it worse, you lose a child who was your whole entire world!

He was my baby! He was perfect in every way! Each and everyday I would thank our Lord for blessing me with two beautiful sons and would ask him to protect them from all of the dangers that are in this world. So needless to say my whole world was turned upside down this past Easter Sunday (4/21/11) when my youngest son (who just turned 17 yrs old) chose to take his own life.

He did not leave a note, nor did I see any signs. So for the past year I have been trying to read all I can on Suicide to help me understand a new word that was forced into my vocab., as well as seeing a therapist so I can learn to deal with the unbearable emotions that come with losing a love one by suicide.

But I am struggling with people who feel that when I want to do something "In Memory Of" of my son, it shouldn't be done because it might "Glorify Suicide"!!!!

My son was in all Honor Classes. He was never in trouble for the whole entire 11 years of school. He didn't have a lot of friends, but really liked the few that he had. What I strongly "feel" played a huge part with my son making the decision to take his life was the way the asst. principle handled an issue that had happened during an open lunch period between my son and his girlfriend. They were caught kissing in her car (off school property) by the girl's father and the father felt that the school should handle it instead of dealing with it and contacting me.

His classmates raised money for me, and I asked the school if I could give the amount back and match it to be used as scholarship, but was told "No" because they did not want to "Glorify Suicide". Then I ask if I could put a page in the yearbook (with me paying for it) seeing that this would be his Sr. Year, and had to jump through hoops to get that.

Now the straw that just broke the camels back is ... His girlfriend just got a tattoo In Memory of my son on Sat., and as she was leaving school today she took off her jacket which exposed her shoulder and she was told by the principle to cover off her shoulder. She has also had quite a few of my son classmate's telling her that her tattoo is almost saying that what my son did was ok.

Has anybody ran into this? And if so ... How do I handle it without crying nonstop and feeling like my son will be forgotten?

I am not saying what he did was right, but my goodness, I loss my son! Does it really matter how he died? He was still loved and the pain I feel is real! Why should that be any different than if he would had died of Cancer.

I am coming up on his 18th birthday and the 1st year of losing him. Not to mention that all of his classmate will be graduating in June, and going off to college ... which I will never be able to see.

I am open to any advise to help me deal with the pain I am feeling. I don't ever want my son to be forgotten! He was really special .... and I miss him so much!
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby Bereaved1 » Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:38 pm

I'm very sorry, anangelnamedjordan. The people at that school really need an education. You are absolutely right about loving and honoring your son, but, not at that school. You will find another way to do it, probably by contributing to suicide prevention education. It's going to be hard for the folks at that school to know that bullying contributes to suicides and that they are killing kids. see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/School_bullying and http://www.afsp.org/We are here for you. (((hugs)))
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby Bereaved1 » Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:40 pm

oops. the second link is http://www.afsp.org/
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby psyquestor » Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:19 am

Although not the same, I've suffered a similar "second class" status. My son was in the Army National Guard. If he had died in service, he would have had flags lowered to honor him, a marker with the Army logo on it placed by his grave and a letter would have arrived from the White House telling us how sorry they were that our soldier had died. But my son didn't die overseas during war; he died from the stress of being deployed and a broken heart because his gf said she would not wait for him to come back home from his deployment. The reason I was given that they don't allow the grave marker, is that they don't "glorify suicide." Even though he served, he will never be allowed that honor.

People in my everyday life cringe (cringe!) when I mention my son's name. It makes them uncomfortable. It's like I need to shut up about MY SON, but everyone else can continue being proud of their sons. I am proud of my son and that will never change. I will always speak of him and if that makes them uncomfortable, then they need to look inside themselves to deal with it. The way my son left this world does not define him or the life he lead while he was here.

Suicide has robbed me of many things, number one being my son, but these other things are also deep wounds. Secondary wounds that do not heal. I feel as if I'm a shunned member of society, or that people merely tolerate me. The only people who understand me, are people who have had a similar loss. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't they open their eyes and see that we deserve to have our children and our grief acknowledged?

*sigh*
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby Bereaved1 » Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:29 am

Your stories are heartbreaking. They certainly show how barbaric things are here on earth. There's an interesting link about Conventional Wisdom at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conventional_wisdom and the history of PTSD in combat at http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/ar ... f-ptsd.php That's why I usually reject conventional wisdom and search for truth. I'm sorry, psyquestor & anangelnamedjordan.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby cmarie » Wed Mar 07, 2012 10:17 am

angelnamedjordan, your experience in many ways is very similar to mine. My son was 16 when he died, in early September just before he was to begin his seond last year of school. 2010.
My husband approached the school about creating an annual award for kids in the sports program Liam was in. The award would be to honor Liam's qualities of hardwork and good sportsmanship (he wasn't exactly a great athlete, but he tried hard).

My best friend, a writer, amazed and curious about the stories she was hearing - how Liam's death had impacted his friends and acquantainces, approached the school about having a group meeting with kids ( counsellors and teachers present if need be) to learn of their stories. She was thinking of a book maybe, maybe not, just to explore, to see...

Both ideas were shot down for the same reasons you were given. My husband needed to grieve and couldn't fight, my friend tried and tried. She too gave up.

A week ago, one of Liam's friends emailed me to tell me, the award might be moving forward. She has been speaking with his teacher and an administrator, and it might happen. It occurred to me, they might just need the distance, time and space to process. To let their emotions and the kids emotions settle. I don't know.

I don't have a lot of energy for the memoralizing except my own personal journey, but I can appreciate your need. One day, if I have more energy, I will put it into educating all of us about suicide. One day, if I have more energy, I will take away the shame associated with suicide.

Psyquester, I too, am proud of my son. He was one of the finest people I knew, and I will always have that knowledge to carry with me. Other people's baggage is other people's baggage, and I refuse to lug it along with me on my journey.

Peace today for everyone please.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby Johnsmom » Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:43 pm

Psyquestor you are correct..."The way my son left this world does not define him or the life he lead while he was here."

This is good advice - this is all you need to say to those who "shun" you or tell you "no".

My John would appreciate this statement. Thank you all for being here for anangelnamedjordan...

I personally don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come here and read posts and know that we are not alone. I am so very sorry for your loss.

John's mom
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby anangelnamedjordan » Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:19 pm

I truly appreciate the responses that I have received. I am so thankful for this site. It stinks that we all have to travel this road of unbearable pain ... but if I didn't have people like you to help me through the steps I don't know how I could get through this.

As I heard it said ... To the world a child is just another child, but to a parent that child is our world!!!

And I too am very proud of my son. It just breaks my heart that his spirit was broken and I never knew it.

And why could he not talk to me???? There is no doubt that he knew how much I loved him ... why did he not see what this would do to me? A parent is suppose to protect their child, and I feel like I had failed him.
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby Blossom » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:10 am

A parent is suppose to protect their child, and I feel like I had failed him.


Dear anangelnamedjordan, I understand that feeling, I know that feeling (I felt that my existence could not be justified) but we know with rational minds that it is not true of you or I, or any other parent here. We would never think this of each other. I see pain as the truth. Naming the pain is all we can do (and there are so many names but this is the biggie) and everyone here would recognise what you have described. We have all felt this - you are not alone...and the isolation is an unnecessary burden!. Neither are you alone in finding at some point, that you are expanding just enough to hold the pain a little more comfortably for longer periods - grace. Rejection of our HEARTFELT need to make our children's lives mean something to someone else's life is like a pin to a balloon....the tension is THAT fragile. But I hope you find that even a moment of grace, once found, will always return to you if lost on the slippery slopes of this loss.

Sometimes I have fantasies of tying the 'rejectors' to a chair and giving them piece of my mind...but only since I have become stronger. Grace has no place there...and it feels good. We never stop protecting our children.
Blossom x

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
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Re: It not trying to Glorify Suicide ... (I need advise)

Postby cali » Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:26 am

Sometimes suicide strikes without warning and sometimes it's a long battle. Your son may not have had any warning either. When suicide reaches a fatal level the people it strikes can think of nothing else. It eclipses their ability to reach out. Even if they are able to contact someone, they are not able to get somewhere safe, or wait for help to come. The compulsion is so tremendously strong. You had no warning. Your son may not have either.

My son did come to me. He did talk to me. I did get him "help." The "help" was inadequate, undereducated and full of prescription drugs that have warnings on them about increased suicide risk. I feel that I failed him. I should have known what to do. But I didn't know, and I couldn't find the resources that would save him. I'm not stupid. I should have tried harder. It was like we were both drowning in his illness and I lost him. He was trying so hard. I am so ashamed. How could I lose him? It is awful to be floating in this stupid limbo without him.
It is just unbearable, but this place helps.
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