Where do I go from here?

[mm1987]

Today makes three weeks since my older brother passed. It still doesn't feel real. I keep pretending he's just in his room. Distraction has been the key to my denial. Which mostly involves leaving the house and hanging out with friends. If I come home late I pretend he's already sleeping. Its easy when I am out of the house. My friends have been supportive and a great escape from reality.

It's when I'm alone when my emotions become unbearable. There's this heaviness and emptiness in my chest. I feel like a roller coaster of emotions. What hurts the most is that I feel like he chose to abandon us. We have a younger brother. We were three and now it just feels incomplete. This is the first week that has been just me my younger brother and my parents. Family and friends were very supportive in the beginning but as everything has settled, everyone has gone back to their routine... work. My brother and I were both recently unemployed so that makes the days very difficult. He sleeps most of the day away, while I apply for jobs like a madwoman, hoping for anything to get me out of the house.

I know things are never going to be the same and I hate that there are many of you out there who have gone thru this same thing. I just keep reliving the night before, the last time I saw him, the moment he said goodnight, and the morning we found him. I feel such guilt, because I should have checked on him. I should have done something. I heard him stirring after we had all gone to sleep, but I didn't check.

My heart is heavy and I don't know where my family is supposed to go from here.

[psyquestor]

mm first of all I am very sorry that you've lost your brother. It is a very hard thing losing someone you love to suicide. You said "What hurts the most is that I feel like he chose to abandon us" Honey, he didn't choose to leave. If he was depressed, his thinking wasn't clear at the time he made this decision. Depressed people get to this place in their minds where life is just hopeless and empty. He might have even thought that the rest of the family would be better off without him being so sad all the time. It's not reality - it's an example of the ideation that they go through.

You also said My heart is heavy and I don't know where my family is supposed to go from here.
Your family will have to learn to interact without your brother there. You will always miss him - all of you - and each will cope in their own way. For awhile, everything will feel so surreal and it will be very painful. In time your burden of grief will lighten as you all learn to carry it. There is no right way or wrong way, but all of us navigate grief differently.

I'm glad you found this group. There are a lot of good people here that care and understand some of what you are feeling. I did not lose a sibling, but even if I had, our experiences are as unique as the people we lost. (((((hugs)))))

Proud Army Mom

[tothemoonandback]

mm1987,

I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother. You are only 3 weeks in and it is all so surreal, awful, numb, heartbreaking and wrong. It is coming up to 6 months since I lost my 19 year old brother, Alex to suicide, and I know of the pain of losing a brother...although all our experiences are so different. I wish I could give you a quick-fix, something to help you through your pain, but to be honest I'm still struggling through each day too. At the moment you're still in shock, I know I was for months. I too had feelings of such strong guilt, regret and remorse. As siblings we're meant to look out for one another, we protect each other from all the bad stuff, so where does that leave us when something like this happens and our world is turned upside down?

All I can say, is try not to focus on the guilt - on the what ifs, the should haves, could haves and would haves. If you do, it will drive you crazy...it did to me anyway. But the guilt is something you have to work through, and you will. I try to think of what Alex would want me to do...and I know that he would tell me not to be stupid, that it was his life and his choice, and even though I know he would take it back now if he could, he would never want any of us to blame ourselves. I also shared the same feelings of abandonment at the start...and I also felt like I had let my baby brother down. Every awful feeling of blame, and guilt, anger and heartache bubbled its way to the surface until I thought I couldn't stand it anymore, like I couldn't go on another day...but i did, and I do... every day. I wish I could tell you it gets easier...and maybe it does later on. It's been 6 months for me and it still feels like he was here yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime as well. I know I'm probably babbling here..I'm trying to show you that you're not alone, that there are people here who are going through what you are going through. I've found comfort in that.

It sounds like you have good friends, and that is a blessing. So hold onto them, but at the same time, don't use them as a way to run away from what you're feeling...it will all catch up with you eventually. I hope that you and your brother who is still here can find comfort in each other...my sister and I have become closer than ever...as I feel that she is the only one who understands what I'm going through. She's been my rock for these past 6 months.

You and your family will find a way from here...it won't be easy and you will have your ups and downs. I encourage you to talk about your brother though...the best thing you can do is remember that he lived and keep that memory alive. And when the guilt and feelings of abandonment get too much, think of this saying...i read it somewhere on this forum once, but I can't for the life of me remember where..Anyway it goes along the lines of...'they didn't want to leave us, but it got to the point where it hurt more to live than to die'....I found truth in that...I know that Alex never wanted to leave us, he just lost his way and he was hurting and couldn't see straight. I didn't know your brother, but I know how much siblings love each other, and how much he must have loved you.

I hope you are getting through each day as best you can. Thinking of you x

[cmarie]

Oh sweetheart, I am so very sorry for the loss of your big brother, and for your pain. My Son and daughter lost their baby brother 17months ago.

The pain is unbearable, and yet we bear it. Somehow. Take each day one day at a time or one moment at a time when you need to. Grief is exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. Please try and remember that and take care of yourself.

If you can find a support group or have access to counseling, I would highly encourage it when you are ready.

I am glad you have found comfort here on these pages.

I am thinking of you.

[Butterfly123]

I am so sorry for your loss.......how deep the pain goes, the questions, the what ifs'.....
Its been three yrs since my sister took her life and I still keep her cell number and see it as I scroll down my list...I pretend she's off living her life somewhere and somehow it seems real sometimes......until those days when I see her face in a crowd and I can't tell if she's real or not.....and then the reality hits....it cripples me
There's nothing that can be said to make the feelings go away, I guess one day they might..... but things won't ever be the same.
I too live everyday wondering if I had just reached out to her that day, I knew something was wrong....at least, looking back I can see that something was wrong......
My heart and thoughts are with you....when its too heavy a burden to carry remember you are not alone we can all help carry this together........