Please let me introduce myself...

[MamaBear]

My name is Sherri and I lost my 16 year old daughter Michelle to hanging 13 years ago. She was two weeks from her birthday and three weeks from mine. This is a hard time of year for all of us and my grief gets extended into february because she died jan 2 and I have a hard time getting through our birthdays. I do not or have ever had any support from my family and at first they blamed me. They will never even say her name and that feels like an insult to me because she is still part of my family. I read your stories on here and cry for all those who believed suicide was their only option. They are good, healing tears my doctor says! I searched for weeks to find a support group that was right for me and this one feels like home. Thank you all for being here and sharing your most terrible life event. I do have a question that is bothering me because I never know how to handle it. I would welcome any suggestions on how to respond when my mother says things like, "It was a long time ago you need to move past it and get on with your life." or "We`ve all lost people and we get over it." and my favorite, "The dead are for the dead and the living for the living." It causes me alot of stress when she says these things to me and I get sick for days afterwards. I am being treated for depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress and when she says these things I don`t want to hurt her feelings but last time I blurted out, "Mom, I found my daughter dead. Why do you think I`m having a beakdown." How do your respond to such comments. They do not help and raise my already sensitive stress response through the roof. I would welcome any suggestions because it is causing me a problem that I do not need right now. Well, thank you everyone for listening. I hope to get to know you and all your children well and take them into my heart. I will post a picture of my Michelle on the faces page as soon as I can. P E A C E

[Peaches406]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Sherri. I lost my baby brother this year in March/April. I think the best way to put it is "we do not get over it, we get through it and learn to live with it" at best. I also like to explain to people that the grief is like the ocean....it can be calm and peaceful for days, or choppy and stormy for weeks. Huge waves creep up and take out everything built on shore without warning, then you have to rebuild again. I think most of us could use that analogy. When a country is hit with a Tsunami it decimates everything in it's path. The people of that country have to rebuild, The rebuild looks a little different, more improvements for safety , but always in the same spot, even though "they" know that another wave will eventually show up. That is our grief in a nutshell. The waves will never stop completely, but we will always rebuild so we can face the next one better. Every time I get hit with a wave I feel I come out a little stronger, my faith secure that I will survive the next one as well.
If that doesn't help you can always go with, " why don't I just get over you"! Sorry, sarcastic by nature, I have actually said that to a relative though. An insightful soul on this site told me that sometimes people say things like that, because they don't know what else to do to help us. They feel frustrated, maybe even (guilty?) by our overwhelming grief. Some feel (jealousy?), I would imagine it's hard for my middle brother to watch me grieve a dead brother while I ignore the one I still have? Of course some people truly mean it when they say those hurtful words. I have had to learn to tell the difference. I am actually jealous sometimes of those who say "it's been years/months", because they just don't know do they? They are the blessed who have never had to feel my pain. In the end it's usually easier for me to just walk away and realize that they are ignorant, in this case ignorance is definitely bliss. Most have no idea the pain it causes us, the pressure to appear "normal" it creates. I just walk away and wish a silent wish that they never have too. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
*hugs*

[Blossom]

I don't know the answer...only that family need each other and the capacity to fulfil another's needs is often not a two way street. I have had to look elsewhere for my 'fix', having got to the point of sad surrender with some of my family (like a dagger in my heart to hear my son's name as 'what happened'). I still treasure them, they are mine and very very precious. I keep telling myself that all I have to do is be patient....but gosh, 13 years is a long long time to hold out hope for change.

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear daughter, Michelle. My son died at age 19....my heart is gripped by the huge difference in the age of your daughter when she died. Three years represents a whole eternity of innocence, to me. It is something I don't often hear mentioned and I wonder if I am alone in this. But, by the very nature of my son's age, I feel a special nurturing feeling towards any parent of a babe younger than mine. The knot on my apron string was already loose... I feel there are layers of grieving a child so young as your dear Michelle, that I can only imagine....but am very willing to listen to.

I saw your byline "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."~Dr. Suess. I can see that those words spoke to you very deeply. I'm at such a loss today....I've decided to cut/paste and print out your typed word 'PEACE' and carry it in my pocket for the day. Don't know if any of this helped your dilemma . I had no advice as such...but consider it a warm welcome at least.

[MamaBear]

Thank you both, I value anyone`s advice as I seem so lost now-a-days. Even at the age of 19 I consider that still a child, still naive with much to learn. If they just would`ve given themselves a chance! I would never wish this hurt on my worst enemy. I agree that it is like waves because I have experienced that as well. Maybe you all can be my boat!! Thank you and good night.

[Perrys16]

I definately understand what you are going through. I learned when Perry died that they do not leave our heart or mind ever. I have been missing him for 8 years. My family does understand because they miss him too. Some don't understand the suicide thing and can't talk about it or understand it. They did not know him like I did. Over the years I have found support in different places other than some family. It has been long enough that it doesn't bother me because when they don't feel like I do, it is because they did not love him like I did. You are her mother. Your love for her does not leave and does not stop. That is why you miss her so much. This time of year is hard for me also. The holidays are very hard and no matter who is with me, the fact that Perry is not there over shadows any joy of the season. I have a personal relationship with him like I do with God now. I think they both understand and Perry always lets me know he is ok up there and I trust God to take care of him until I see him again. That is what keeps me going. Sending big hugs from one sad mom who lost their 16 year old to another.
Beth
Mother of Perry Atkinson, Jr. 9/7/87-10/21/03
"I remember you by heart"

[MamaBear]

Thank you Beth! Yes, I am her mother and no one knew her like I did. I`ve gotten no support from my family for all these years and am seeking my support from a few good friends, who also lost a child, and friends who live with more compassion in their hearts, and now friends I hope to make on here. My doctor has also become very good at listening to me and giving me compassionate and gentle insights. And I have renewed my conversation with God. For so long I was angry at him, hated him, but I knew he was always there with patience to welcome me back when I was ready. Thank you for your reply and I wish you peace for you and your lost boy.

[Suzanne]

MamaBear,

I am so sorry for your loss. Although I did not lose a child, I lost my husband, Dave, to suicide five years ago. Our daughters would have been children with Michelle. I just want you to know I have a special place in my heart for her and for you.

Suzanne