Living in your dreams..

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

Living in your dreams..

Postby Scripswife » Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:09 am

Saturday night into Sunday I dreamed about him all night it seemed in several different incarnations. It was always good. It wasn't the disturbing dreams.. the ones where he is alive.. that it was a mistake.. or a joke.. or some elaborate test. He was really gone.. but could come back to visit with me.. to talk.. to be a companion. It was such a wonderful dream. I had such a wonderful Sunday because of it! I wanted to jump up and tell friends all about it.. but the people I would tell were unavailable.. or not receptive. It made me miss him again.. just for the ability to talk.. to have someone there to listen.

And then I remembered a part of the dream. We were negotiating.. for lack of a better word, his visitation. I was so happy that he could come.. and wanted him to be present whenever he could, but stipulated that he could not come to me angry. He could not try to scare me... he could not be mad. And I remembered just how complicated our life was. And that some people are still angry at him for aspects of our life AND his exit from it. And I realized that HERE is the best place to share these things. And I am grateful for this place.

Yesterday I watched twilight again and could not detach myself from it. I found myself wishing again to be the subject of that kind of intense focus. I texted a friend that I wanted such a thing.. but did not think it was possible to have that all encompassing passion without the flipside negatives. I said I'd had seven years of it, that I would not trade it.. but that it had been the best and worst seven years of my life and I could never do it again. She understood.. without really understanding. And so I find myself laying it out here for you all... who will understand completely.

Thank you for your time.
Till we meet again, I love you, good night.
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby Suzanne » Mon Nov 14, 2011 1:10 pm

Oh, I totally understand.

Despite all of our difficulties and the stress of living with a terminally depressed man, there was that lovely light, that huge capacity for curiosity and empathy and that ironic sense of humor. I miss those things about Dave every day. But the strain of watching him fall apart, his own angry reaction to his own decompensation, these are things I never want to experience again.

How nice for you to begin separating those things out. To remember love is to begin to forgive him and to forgive yourself.

Suzanne
Wife of Dave 10/17/47-11/1/06
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby Drew48 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:19 pm

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Last edited by Drew48 on Mon May 14, 2012 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Better to have loved and lost....than never loved at all....
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby jbrules1 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 3:23 pm

I wish I could have a dream that would make me happy to have seen him. Most of the dreams that I have had I have been trying to win him back or he is just out of reach and I awake devisated. jan
Micky, A loveing and the best father, and the most wonderful husband my soul mate. 29/3/2010
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby Scripswife » Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:25 pm

The dreams started out hard.. he had left and wasn't coming back.. angry with me or just through.. it depended. As time passes, it becomes a joy. I miss him, but I don't just grieve him anymore. I think it is the beginning of making peace.
Till we meet again, I love you, good night.
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby ZeeM » Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:33 pm

Thank you for sharing. Some people just don't understand what we (survivors) go through everyday. The one's we loved made the decision to leave us and it is so hard to come to terms with it. I'm glad you had that dream about him. I wish we could all had one more time to talk to our love ones. I haven't been able to sleep much since this happened (6 weeks ago), but I long for the day I can see him again even if is only a dream. I'm sending you a big hug, we all need those from time to time. Again, thank you for sharing.
Z
Psalm 71:20-21 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
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Re: Living in your dreams..

Postby Monica » Sat Feb 11, 2012 12:09 am

Your post made me remember the very vivid dream I had a few months after my husband shot himself. I was dreaming that he was in the house in the living room and I was ignoring him because I wanted him to know how angry I was with him for choosing to leave me. My daughter was in the room talking to him and he was telling her that I needed to remember that when I was hanging pictures that the studs were 16 inches apart. ( I had been hanging pictures that day in real life). Eventually I went into the living room and told him I was mad as hell that he left me and I started to cry and went to him and just hung on and cried. He told me I would be ok and I told him I would never be ok that my best friend was gone and I was alone and how dare he leave me. He told me that the minute he shot himself he knew he shouldn't have done it and he was sorry.I told him I loved him and all of a sudden I woke up to the alarm clock sobbing and sad that the dream was over. It was so good to hold him. I still feel to this day that he was here with me giving me that last bit of comfort and letting me know that he missed me too and was sorry for leaving. It may sound silly, but even now, 3and 1/2 years later there are times I wake up and feel like he spent the night. Sometimes I put his pillow behind me and I can almost feel him with me and I can sleep.
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