I lost my baby brother on March 31st of this year, he was 21 for a whole month. My mom died 4 years before from cancer, the year I got out of prison finally clean and sober, the year my ex took my son. I read all your posts and I know how you feel. I have actually screamed at the sky " how much more do you think I can take"!!!. It's so hard for me to understand how 2 people can be so much alike and So close, yet turn out so different. Everything I have gone through has made me stronger, but his crushed him beyond repair. It's not fair and it doesn't make sense!
I have days where I just wish I could do it, just pull a trigger and go see my brother. I miss him that much, I actually wish I could kill myself, but I have found I can't. Nowhere in my mind can I make sense out of the act, make it an acceptable choice. I am a survivor, life has made us one nomigomi. To get through what you have gotten through and still be here is amazing. I had finally gotten to a place where I really liked myself and my life and then I found my brother. Took me awhile but I realize I still do and who I am is a direct result of events in my past.
I have come to realize I like life and I want a long one. My brother not being here rips at my soul every day, but I still want to be here. My life has been shit for most of my 32 years, but good things were starting to come into my life. Those good things have kept me here since his death. I don't know why some people get "easy" lives and some of us get the short end, but in the end I think those of us that have to fight for what we have appreciate it more. We know how vicious life can be, how precious the good things are when we have them and how to find the strength to go on when we lose them. You said work "consumes" you, I hear someone who still cares about something, even if it's just your job for now. I tried to do this alone and I can't. I have a counselor and anti-depressants, plus a job that also consumes me. Tell people how you feel, ask for help, be kind to yourself. Just because you are strong and a survivor doesn't mean you have to be superman through this. It's ok to break down, to have bad days, and even to want to follow our loved ones. I think alot of us would agree with that on this site. Don't give up on life, it can be a bitch, but those moments and people we have in our lives that bring true happiness...there will be more.
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....