2 years its been...

Tell us who you are and what brought you here

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby mihaelaharris » Thu Nov 03, 2011 5:03 pm

Dear nomigomi,

I can feel your pain and sadness and I'm there with you in spirit. I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide on August 8 this year and the pain is still so fresh. I was the last person he communicated with by e-mail and I didn't get it until the day after he shot himself. I also feel that guilt and anguish you are feeling. I draw my strength from God. He is my only hope and my faith in him as become stronger since I lost my brother. I have two children that I have to raise and I am their only hope and anchor. As the others have said, take deep breaths, let the tears flow and get it out. Life is worth living even if now it doesn't feel like it is. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, the world around you needs you. I found that going to a grief sharing group is helping me, just talking to people who are going through the same things I am going through somehow makes the burden bearable. Keep in touch and don't give up hope. You are a beautiful, precious person. May God bless you.
mihaelaharris
Newbie
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby Peaches406 » Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:31 am

I lost my baby brother on March 31st of this year, he was 21 for a whole month. My mom died 4 years before from cancer, the year I got out of prison finally clean and sober, the year my ex took my son. I read all your posts and I know how you feel. I have actually screamed at the sky " how much more do you think I can take"!!!. It's so hard for me to understand how 2 people can be so much alike and So close, yet turn out so different. Everything I have gone through has made me stronger, but his crushed him beyond repair. It's not fair and it doesn't make sense!
I have days where I just wish I could do it, just pull a trigger and go see my brother. I miss him that much, I actually wish I could kill myself, but I have found I can't. Nowhere in my mind can I make sense out of the act, make it an acceptable choice. I am a survivor, life has made us one nomigomi. To get through what you have gotten through and still be here is amazing. I had finally gotten to a place where I really liked myself and my life and then I found my brother. Took me awhile but I realize I still do and who I am is a direct result of events in my past.
I have come to realize I like life and I want a long one. My brother not being here rips at my soul every day, but I still want to be here. My life has been shit for most of my 32 years, but good things were starting to come into my life. Those good things have kept me here since his death. I don't know why some people get "easy" lives and some of us get the short end, but in the end I think those of us that have to fight for what we have appreciate it more. We know how vicious life can be, how precious the good things are when we have them and how to find the strength to go on when we lose them. You said work "consumes" you, I hear someone who still cares about something, even if it's just your job for now. I tried to do this alone and I can't. I have a counselor and anti-depressants, plus a job that also consumes me. Tell people how you feel, ask for help, be kind to yourself. Just because you are strong and a survivor doesn't mean you have to be superman through this. It's ok to break down, to have bad days, and even to want to follow our loved ones. I think alot of us would agree with that on this site. Don't give up on life, it can be a bitch, but those moments and people we have in our lives that bring true happiness...there will be more.
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....
User avatar
Peaches406
Regular
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:24 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby nomigomi » Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:29 am

peaches406, thank you for sharing your story, meant a lot to me.

its hard for me to hold on tightly to life when so much has occurred. having lost everyone in a span of 6 years has destroyed me. when one needs people the most, they are not there...friends, girlfriends, etc. my sister was my saving grace.... i can only hope this all turns out well in the end.
nomigomi
Newbie
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:49 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby Peaches406 » Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:08 pm

You are so welcome Nomigomi! My baby brother was my saving grace as well, him not being here anymore has all but taken the purpose out of life. I have lost a few friends as well. I guess it's hard for people to be there for a person that is usually there for them. I am only 7 months in to my grief and from what I read on this site it sounds like the pain will always be there. I have recently learned to take notice when I have a good day, because i do have them, just not as many as before. You are welcome to message me anytime you need someone to talk to, it actually helps me to listen. I have learned alot about myself seeing my emotions mirrored in others, but then I don't have much experience being emotional, I have always envied those that can be.
I have posts all over this site, you can plainly see I am all over the place as I am sure you are. The ups and downs of our new lives can be intense and shocking in their severity. Keep your head up Nomigomi, you are fighting for yourself, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. I can't promise happy or even well right now, but I do have absolute confidence that I will be Ok. Ok is an easy goal. I'll shoot for well later, when I'm stronger. It's all about baby steps for me. Never!,in my life has "one day at a time" held so much meaning for me...
*hugs*
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....
User avatar
Peaches406
Regular
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:24 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby nomigomi » Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:07 am

thanks peaches.

i cant believe its been almost 2 years since my baby sister passed away. i fell into a deep hole after that happened and contemplated many things. one bad habit i developed was smoking and drinking. i just want to know that there's a purpose in life for people like us.
nomigomi
Newbie
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:49 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby Peaches406 » Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:10 pm

I had already smoked ;) There is a purpose for people like us hon...imagine a world with no strong people, how horrible. Change is brought about by those people strong enough to stand up and fight for it. Now imagine a world where no one has ever seen a "hard" life, who would watch out for the innocents? Whole civilizations have survived on a few people's will to survive. I believe life is about balance, a positive for every negative(our greatest strengths are usually our worst weaknesses), 2 sides of the same coin....if as human beings we can get so desperate as to be able to end our own lives,then the positive must be that there are people who just won't give up on life(survivors). One dictionary defines survivor as~ person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.I believe we are those kind of people.
I can't yet say what my purpose in life is, but I have realized(recently)that I actually want one. For now that's enough =)
I hope this week brings you some good days *hugs*
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....
User avatar
Peaches406
Regular
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:24 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby cali » Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:58 pm

Well said, Peaches.
cali
Supporting
 
Posts: 737
Joined: Sun Nov 07, 2010 5:14 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby nomigomi » Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:52 am

thanks guys, this place has given me some comfort. yesterday i was having one of those depressed, empty days again (spikes randomly) but managed through.
nomigomi
Newbie
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:49 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby notbrownbuthazeleyes » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:38 pm

Hello Snf,

I too broke up with my boyfriend less than 3 weeks before he hung himself in our flat. We had been together for over 10 years and I had had enough of the fights, I left the flat July 26th, he died August 6th, I gave him the flat and everything as I wanted a fresh start in a different area new friends etc. We were still talking and texting and getting on ok. Again he said he felt he couldnt do without me, he had it so planned that saturday he was with friends down the pub, he texted phoned and emailed me his suicide note knowing i could not get back in time to stop him. He had threatened stuff before but never thought he would do it.

the guilt cuz of breaking up but knowing that he would have done it sooner or later with or without me, dunno so mad at him. i too was grievingthe end of the relationship but holding it together and had been flat hunting for the 3 weeks we were apart so i was holding it together till i got a home, he never gave me that chance to feel that whilst on my own and whilst he was alive.
its 14 weeks and i had to go back to the flat as i never found my own when flathunting, its opressive as i see him everytime i open the front door, i am on my own and the lonliness is a killer, the darkness is frightening, weekends are the worst, the sooner i get out of the flat the better, but will the ghosts in my head follow me? dont believe in ghosts in the flat but its all in my head.
i feel sometimes i am not allowed to feel this way as i had broken up with him. he had no-one else i could have walked away and let someone else do the funeral but i didnt, it was like i owed him? couldnt do the funeral for 4 weeks, scattered the ashes 2 weeks ago and have good days and bad days.
notbrownbuthazeleyes
Visitor
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2011 1:13 pm

Re: 2 years its been...

Postby nomigomi » Mon Nov 14, 2011 3:03 pm

notbrownbuthazeleyes,

just read your post... hope you are doing okay. whenever i read these kinds of posts, i can always empathize. to this day i still feel empty....

i actually thought about myself these past few weeks and decided that i will be seeing a psychiatrist soon. Need anti-depressants.
nomigomi
Newbie
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:49 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Introduce Yourself

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests

This web site built and maintained by Rick Hellewell / CellarWeb.com -- Portions Copyright © by Rick Hellewell / CellarWeb.com, All Rights Reserved.