A month ago today I lost the love of my life. It still feels like it was yesterday when I got an email telling me that he was found deceased. I'm in the military and I was deployed when this happened. I was able to talk to him, video chatted with him that day and it was like no other day.....he was laughing and joking around early in the day. The last time we spoke and saw each other it was around 7:00pm and he seemed ok, a little tired but ok. We talked for a while, he was having a lot of financial issues, he was in the process of filing for bankruptcy and that night he had just finished filing his 2010 taxes. He owed money to the IRS for the past 3 years, he had lost his job and the bills kept coming in. We weren't married, because he didn't want to drag me down with all his problems. That night he started talking about all these issues and was really angry (not at me, but at the situation), I left him vent and I tried to tell him that no matter what I would always support him in every way I could. All of the sudden he got really quiet and wasn't looking at the screen I asked him was wrong and he was crying.....he said "you have no legal attachments to me", it hurt so much and I asked his what do you mean? we are planning a life together.....Then he just told me to call my son and hung up. Not even 10 minutes later I tried calling him back and he didn't answer the phone. I kept calling until 11:30pm and I thought he had fallen asleep so I didn't worry. The next day I tried calling him, it kept going to voicemail, so I thought he had forgotten to charge his phone (he had done it before so I didn't worry), but when he didn't email me back that's when I started worrying. A friend of my on the ship asked her husband to stop by our home and check on him. When he got here, he found him sitting outside in our back patio (he said it looked like he was sleeping). He called for him but when he touched him he realized that Kraig was gone.
As soon as I found out I felt like I was going crazy, I screamed, I cried, I thought I was going to lose my mind. The pain in my heart it is indescribable. From that day on I've felt so alone and is like everything is in slow motion.
I was sent home that Friday and I talked to his parents, they were devastated too. When I finally made it home, I pretty much turned the house upside down.....just looking for clues, something to tell me why or how could this had happened. Instantly I blamed myself for getting off the phone with him, I blamed myself for leaving him alone, I felt like I let him down when he needed me the most. He had suffered from depression for a long time, but I just thought he was doing so much better because he was making plans for our future. I guess I was in denial or just too blind to realize how troubled he was. I loved him with all my heart and I just thought that my love was going to be enough to fix all his problems and issues. It is hard to accept that no matter what I would've said or done or how much I loved him....it was never going to be enough.
It has been really tough to come to terms or at least try to understand all this, but what can I do now??? Nothing, he is gone and now I have to (somehow) move on. I feel so alone and I miss him so much, I still can't stop crying. I'm seeking help to deal with things wherever I can. I'm seeing a counselor every week, my regular doctor, I'm relying on my church a lot, and just last week I started reaching out to my friends. Well, I wanted to share my story and at first I thought that I was the only one dealing with this, but I've come to find out that I'm not alone dealing with this. All the blame, guilt and pain I feel, It is normal.
Psalm 71:20-21 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.