I lost the man I loved

[ZeeM]

A month ago today I lost the love of my life. It still feels like it was yesterday when I got an email telling me that he was found deceased. I'm in the military and I was deployed when this happened. I was able to talk to him, video chatted with him that day and it was like no other day.....he was laughing and joking around early in the day. The last time we spoke and saw each other it was around 7:00pm and he seemed ok, a little tired but ok. We talked for a while, he was having a lot of financial issues, he was in the process of filing for bankruptcy and that night he had just finished filing his 2010 taxes. He owed money to the IRS for the past 3 years, he had lost his job and the bills kept coming in. We weren't married, because he didn't want to drag me down with all his problems. That night he started talking about all these issues and was really angry (not at me, but at the situation), I left him vent and I tried to tell him that no matter what I would always support him in every way I could. All of the sudden he got really quiet and wasn't looking at the screen I asked him was wrong and he was crying.....he said "you have no legal attachments to me", it hurt so much and I asked his what do you mean? we are planning a life together.....Then he just told me to call my son and hung up. Not even 10 minutes later I tried calling him back and he didn't answer the phone. I kept calling until 11:30pm and I thought he had fallen asleep so I didn't worry. The next day I tried calling him, it kept going to voicemail, so I thought he had forgotten to charge his phone (he had done it before so I didn't worry), but when he didn't email me back that's when I started worrying. A friend of my on the ship asked her husband to stop by our home and check on him. When he got here, he found him sitting outside in our back patio (he said it looked like he was sleeping). He called for him but when he touched him he realized that Kraig was gone.
As soon as I found out I felt like I was going crazy, I screamed, I cried, I thought I was going to lose my mind. The pain in my heart it is indescribable. From that day on I've felt so alone and is like everything is in slow motion.
I was sent home that Friday and I talked to his parents, they were devastated too. When I finally made it home, I pretty much turned the house upside down.....just looking for clues, something to tell me why or how could this had happened. Instantly I blamed myself for getting off the phone with him, I blamed myself for leaving him alone, I felt like I let him down when he needed me the most. He had suffered from depression for a long time, but I just thought he was doing so much better because he was making plans for our future. I guess I was in denial or just too blind to realize how troubled he was. I loved him with all my heart and I just thought that my love was going to be enough to fix all his problems and issues. It is hard to accept that no matter what I would've said or done or how much I loved him....it was never going to be enough.
It has been really tough to come to terms or at least try to understand all this, but what can I do now??? Nothing, he is gone and now I have to (somehow) move on. I feel so alone and I miss him so much, I still can't stop crying. I'm seeking help to deal with things wherever I can. I'm seeing a counselor every week, my regular doctor, I'm relying on my church a lot, and just last week I started reaching out to my friends. Well, I wanted to share my story and at first I thought that I was the only one dealing with this, but I've come to find out that I'm not alone dealing with this. All the blame, guilt and pain I feel, It is normal.
Z

[Karyl]

Z,

Bless your heart. I am so sorry.

Suicide is not easy to understand, and in your case, you were far away, and yet you talked with him shortly before he took his life. That has to be confusing.

Were you able to keep any of his belongings, anything that is special to you? Was he buried? Are you going back to where you were before he died?

And are you sleeping at night and eating healthy during the day?

[Blossom]

zee....I am so sorry for the passing of your dear partner. Thank you for telling your story, his story.

Nothing compares to this pain, but I promise that it will lift, at first for a moment, then for moments, a half hour...and so on. I know that life feels impossible right now...I understand that the pain feels like it will never cease....but it does ease. I wish I could fast forward these hard hard days for you...but I can't. However, we are here to listen and hold your hand - there are many many hills and valleys. Anything goes....ranting, raving, crying, recalling memories, retracing the events (as you have done and I guess, are still doing)...and coping with the very basics of living and breathing. It is all accepted and supported with good hearts here.

I am pleased for you that you have found some support...and I admire you for seeking it. I hope that each offers some assurance that you will survive - we will do this for you too. Even though you feel 'What can I do now?' and nothing seems enough...I want you to know that you will grow into this new skin.

The churning, the retracing, the hindsight, seem to drive us despite ourselves in the early times of suicide bereavement...so many have spoken of how this experience simply doesn't compare to the passing of others they have known. It is normal to feel guilt...it is a very personal journey as it transforms. It is normal to have this fine toothed combing over every detail...it is normal because we love them so, and the sudden passing by their own hand is so so hard to 'take on', let alone 'accept'. After about 6 weeks of this whirlwind in my mind, the roller coaster of feelings, I felt a little crazy...but somehow, it settled down to feeling survivable....a moment, then moments, and so on.

Karyl mentioned sleep...I know that is a big ask, but along with sleep (and if not sleep, then rest your head at least) and water and some regular meals, exhaustion is supported. Please take care of yourself.

Take heart zee...you are not alone. I lost my son, aged 19, in May 2010. He had just finished 3 mths of army recruitment training. He was a lovely boy. I am surviving. Each day is a little better...there are dips to be sure, but I am surviving....and you will too.

[ZeeM]

Thank you Karyl and Blossom. At first it was so hard to even get out of the couch. I still haven't been able to sleep in our bed. I just miss him so much. Just the smallest tasks took all the energy out of me, but little by little I'm getting up in the morning. I've started working at a different unit, until my ship comes back. I miss being away from my ship but I'm not ready to go back. I need to keep going to counseling and I definitely need my church. The hardest part of the day starts the second I leave work, because normally we used to talk on the phone while I was driving home. Then when I got home, he used to meet me at the door with a huge smile and hug. He was such a wonderful and caring man and I miss him so much. I remember when we went to the viewing I just kept asking him to wake up, I hugged him and I just wanted him to come back. When I was away I had mailed him a card, but it didn't get here until after he was gone. I took the card with me when I went to funeral home and they allowed me to leave it with him. I opened the card and I read it to him, then I kissed him. He was cremated and the card when with him. I couldn't say good bye, I wanted him to wake up. He was my life and I look around our home and everything reminds me of him. I haven't been able to put his things away, everything is just the way he left them.
When I was looking for clues all over the house I found a note pad and he had written a poem about me. He talked about that I was away but I had given him hope and dreams. I know he loved me too, but it makes me so sad that he thought I was better off without him.
I'm trying to eat and sometimes I forget, but I'm trying. I sleep a couple of hours at a time, but I've always had problems sleeping. Last week they gave me some sleeping aids but then I couldn't take the other medicines I'm on (I suffer from really bad headaches and I was having panic attacks). I took one and I was able to sleep, but the panic attacks came back so bad that I almost called 911. I calmed myself by praying and I felt better, so sleeping aids are out of the question. I know it is going to take time to heal, but I don't think I'll ever be the same person I used to be. Thank you for your support and for reaching out to me. Writing things helps me get my feelings out in the open. Thanks you and I'm also so sorry you are going through this too. Thanks for understanding.

[Suzanne]

Hi Z,

I am so sorry. I too, lost my husband Dave to suicide five years ago. It was and still is devastating for me to think that my love, the love from our children, the love from his sisters and his friends, that all of that love was not enough to keep him going.

I clearly remember going through everything he ever wrote, searching for clues just as you did. Dave was an artist and a writer, so there were piles of notebooks and sketchpads to get through. But there was not a real hint, no explanation that made sense to me. It took me a long time to begin the process of going through his things, giving some away, throwing some away. Even after five years, I have not finished this and there is still much to be done. I still have two drawers with drawings and materials in my bedroom, a basement with his studio and hundreds of books that I have not touched. His presence is still very much in our house. It is a long and slow process. You don't need to feel pressure to do any of it now. You will find that one day you are ready to look through pictures or sort through his clothes and you will do it then.

I am glad you are finding support through counseling, your church, your friends. In this terrible journey of suicide survival, there is so much we are forced to do alone. But it is good to have places where we can sit for a while with people who give us comfort. I hope we can be some of those people for you.

Suzanne

[ZeeM]

Thank you Suzanne. It is so hard to even think about the future. I'm thankful for every day that I'm able to get out off the couch and try to do something to keep busy. As per today it is almost noon and I'm still sitting here just thinking about him and about our last conversations. He didn't left a note explaining anything, so it hurts so much to think that he felt that alone and kept it inside......maybe even waited until I was deployed to do what he did. The only comfort I find (if any), I was told that he just went to sleep and probably never felt anything. His family has been very supportive and even though we weren't married they allowed me to make some of the decisions with them. I was included on everything. They live pretty far away from me, and I miss them. We email and talk on the phone regularly, but when I felt there I felt so closed them and even closer to Kraig. He is our bond, even though he is gone. I remember sitting at the church when everyone else was eating lunch. I sat there in silence, looking at all the flowers and all the people that came from all over to pay their respects.....and I thought....Kraig never knew how much he was loved and how many people cared about him. He was suffering from depression and for whatever reason he had stopped his medication. I found the bottles full, with several refills still left. I dont know maybe he felt better and thought he could keep going without the medication. I just don't know....but what difference does it make now???? He is gone.
Suzanne I'm so sorry for your loss. This has to be the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I know I need support. I do not have any family near me, the friends I have they are also far away (In the service we make friends all over but we transfer every so many years that we always have to start over making friends). Even though they are far away, I get calls and texts from people that are supporting right now. A lot of people do not understand the pain someone goes thru when a love one makes the decision to depart this world by their own will.
Thank you for your support. Hugs,
Z

[Blossom]

zee...I have just dropped in before I have to do a few things. I just want to assure you that panic attacks are also very normal following shock. I had a few and I did NOT know what was happening to me...they settled down. The last one I had, I actually knew what was happening while it was happening which is a very weird feeling....but it was a mild one. I know it is different for everyone....but if one hasn't had panic attacks before and then suddenly, they are there...well, it is so scary to feel so changed. The nervous system kickbacks that visit us in bereavement are not forever....they are a normal response to an abnormal event....the triggers, the intensity of response...get a little softer. That sounds so clinical...I don't mean it to sound like this.

[ZeeM]

Thanks Blossom. It is a weird feeling, you are right about that. Years ago when I was a teenager I used to get panic attacks and when all this happened I knew exactly what I was feeling. At the beginning I had to calm myself and it took a while for me to calm down. When I was able to go to the Doctor (after the funeral), she put me on some meds. I hate taking medication but I gave in and started taking it. I felt a little better, not 100% but I'm hanging in there. Thank you for taking the time to write.
Z