Having a bad week

[tonyat]

I'm so sorry your family is being that way. I thank God my family has stuck together through this which is a miracle in itself. My family has always been very dysfunctional, and I thought for sure this would destroy it even more. But I think we all got closer because my parents came to live at my house for 10 weeks after my brother died because he committed suicide in their house (where he lived at the time) and it was a police suicide so it was very, very tragic with a lot of damage to the home. So, having my parents here made my house the meeting point for everyone in the family, and we all spent a lot of time together in those first few months and leaned on each other strongly. Going through his things was not very easy though. My younger brothers and nieces had the neighbor let them in my parents house and took things they wanted without asking anyone else. It was fine with me, but my mom and dad were very possessive of his things and it caused problems. I finally said we have to go through his things and put them all in a nice chest so we know what he has and then everyone can go through it. People still argued over what they wanted and said some people got better things and such. It was very difficult. So, my point is, people can be very, very possesive about the person's things. My brother took his life over his girlfriend, too. I told him over and over not to go back to her, but he did and now we know what that did to him. I don't blame her though. I guess it's because she is the mother of his youngest daughter, and I cannot do that to my niece. And I guess I have always felt that he should've been stronger. I have had guys use me, reject me, treat me badly many times in my life, but I didn't end my life over it. I don't know. I just don't blame her even though she treated him bad. I think blaming her or anything else but him would not help me heal, either. Just my opinions, though. I didn't see my brother's body either. I even paid extra to have a private family viewing for the other family members, but I just absolutely could not do it myself. Sometimes I regret that, but like my counselor says, it could have made it worse. Either way, I could not do at the time, and so I have to accept that. I enjoy talking to you. Hang in there!!

[Tootle]

Dear Tonya, I'm sorry you lost your brother.. Your words are wise and you do your brother great justice for the way you've been able to accept some things and move on. Things in my family have been similar to Pixys and have been really hard to move past. I don't have anything of my brothers and don't have access to any of it either. I've tried not to be so angry with blame at my SIL, but it's so hard to let go of.... I was talking to very good friend the other day who said that he knows I will forgive her, I don't know if I can, at least not yet. The anger is still so fresh and hurtful. You Said that you thought your brother should have been stronger, I thought mine was strong...he had weathered so much in his life, for him to take his own life at 46 sometimes seems like such a waste. I felt I let my brother down too, that I was there for him most of the time, but not when he really needed it and that hurts, another hurt that has been hard to move past.
I have thought so many times what I would say if I had one last chance to say goodbye, it wouldn't be much...I would tell him how thankful I am to have had him as my big brother, how grateful I am to have had his confidence, his help and his love, and I would tell him how sorry I am for not being there when he needed me the most. Most of all I would want to hug him, tell him I LOVE him and see him smile again. He was such a great brother!

[tonyat]

Tootle, thank you for your kind words. I never thought of accepting things as doing my brother justice, I like that. I thought my brother was strong, too. I thought he was one of the strongest people I knew! But he also was an addict, which is part of the reason he ended his life, too. I never understood him fully, and that hurts so much. Lord knows I tried though. It breaks my heart that your family members will not let you have something of his. When my nieces and younger brothers were taking things, I had no problem with it all. I thought, take what you need! Of course they needed something of his!! But, I also think that people are possessive of the things because they want to keep him "whole". I think they feel if they separate his things then he will be dispersed, too, so to speak. I know my parents struggled with that. They were like that about his ashes, too. I have had his ashes with me, and I have given some of them to family members when they have asked. I remember my dad got really frustrated at one point and said, "Just leave him in peace!" So, I would guess that is what both of your families are thinking. I had to fight for the right for everyone to have something, so it is very common. I just pray that they can open their minds and hearts and understand that you NEED something of his!!! As far as forgiving the girlfriend/wife....I just think that the reason my brother died is because he had a mental illness of some sort. He either couldn't cope with his feelings, his anger, or strong depression. And, his girlfriend did not make him that way. If anything, how he was raised and the choices he made were responsible for his mental state. Yes, she added to it. But everyone has to cope with pain and what not, and his choice to not seek help for his mental problems is what took him, not her. I just strongly believe that. I am angry about how a lot of people treated him, but I don't blame them for his death. I am so glad we have each other to talk to on here. I think talking, talking, talking about it is the only way to heal.

[pixy71]

Tootle, I also don't know if I can ever forgive his girlfriend. I knew in my heart she was the reason for his death and I now have the proof she was. You said "I thought mine was strong...he had weathered so much in his life, for him to take his own life at 46 sometimes seems like such a waste. I felt I let my brother down too" My brother was the same way he was always so strong. He went through so much in his childhood and being an adult. I never would have thought he'd end his life.I feel like I let him down too. He called me 2 days before he took his life. He asked me if he could come stay with me for a couple months. I really believe he was asking me for help, he was asking me to get him away from the crazy thing he was with. I often ask myself, if I had only said yes would he still be here with me? I'll never know the answer, I'll never know if it would have changed his mind, or if he would have still gone through with it. I feel like I'm all alone. Going through my days with a dark cloud over me. I find it impossible to feel happy, and if I do catch myself laughing I feel guilty.

[Tootle]

It's been difficult being excluded, but I'm not in it alone. Both my mom and I have been abandoned by Robs family, we were not invited to his memorial or any other function she may have had. I can only think that she feels so guilty that she is unable to have contact with us. His family had been treating him terribly for a quite a time leading up to his death, even his children had turned against him. I have not been able to bring myself to call her, I'm just too angry, and because she is so manipulative, I'm afraid she'll manipulate me just like she did to my brother. I don't have energy for her right now and will continue to put off dealing with the issues she brought to the table before and after Robs death. I feel so wounded and it would be like pulling the scabs off a seeping wound that hasn't had enough time to heal. I don't think my life will have enough time to heal from this, but I am hopeful for maybe one day having forgiveness. I know she didn't kill him with her own hands, but I don't think Rob felt he had any other choice to escape his hell.
Pixy, your brother would want you to laugh again without feeling guilty..but I know I felt the same way for a long time and just recently I have been able to find small joy in simple things, I can laugh and can almost hear him laughing with me, he was so full of good humor and good intentions. He would never want to see me sulking around over him, but it's hard not too when I misss him so damn much!
My brother was going to call before CDN thanksgiving, but he never did, would it have changed anything, I'll never know either.
Tonya, having your brother being addicted couldn't have been easy either, and I don't think it takes away from the once wonderful clean person you grew up with, we have hard things happen in life and drugs or alcohol seem like they help us through.

I am so glad to have you both to talk to, everyone on this forum has been so great and supportive of everyone else

[tonyat]

Maybe it's easier for me to not hold my brother's death against his girlfriend because she hasn't treated me badly like the both of yours. I'm so sorry you are both going through that! And his girlfriend had zero control over anything to do with his memorial and such. I was in charge of all of that. If she was, and she kept me from it, or did not honor my family, I would be furious, too. I do believe that if my brother never went back to her he would probably still be here. But he should have never gone back to her, period. He knew better. He told me one time "I can't go there" about ever going back to her, and I knew he meant it was dangerous for him. But she was another one of his addictions that was hard for him to beat I suppose.

Pixy, I completely understand about the dark cloud. I felt that way, too. I could not find joy in anything and the future seemed completely meaningless. I had never felt that way before in my life, and it scared me badly. I had to make a choice to not stay in that dark place because I have a 7 year old daughter who needs her mother. So, I decided to take what my counselor and friends were telling me to heart and accept that it was not my fault, that I did the best I knew how during the circumstances, and I had the best of intentions with him always. Yes, I let him down, and that tortured me. He was everything to me, and I was the only person who accepted him as he was. But, a lot of other people let him down, too. Many people saw the same signs that I saw and didn't recognize them for what they were. We all loved him with our entire hearts and would have done anything to save him had we known. My brother knows that. And I know for certain that he loved me with every ounce of his soul even during the moment he left, and he did not blame me. He would be so devastated to know that I felt it was my fault. He would never think that about me or want that for me. He cherished me. My counselor says that people who are suicidal know that it is going to hurt the ones who love them, but it can't be helped, and they actually think that we will eventually get over it. Can you imagine?? But she said that is really what they think. I am praying for both of you!!

[pixy71]

Tonyat, the day we found my brother I blamed myself. I felt it was my fault for telling him he couldn't stay with me. Then it turned from guilt to anger. Anger at him for making his choice to end his life. I wanted to hit him until my anger was gone. Then my moms phone rang and it was his girlfriend. It was like something snapped inside me. This strange feeling came over me and I knew she was the reason for his choice. I flipped out told my mom to hang up on her. They all thought I was crazy. I asked the sheriff for his phone. When he gave It to us, he said we erased his text messages. You don't want to remember him that way. My brother left no note or any reason for his choice. I felt the answers were in his text messages. My family didn't share my feelings. I begged them not to allow her at his service, but they saw no reason to ask her not to come. I knew I needed to be his voice. It took me three months, but I got a copy of the report with his text messages. I was right all along it was her fault. She broke his already wounded heart. He told her he was going to kill himself. She did nothing to stop him. He had 36 missed calls from her. She could have call either my parents or the police, but chose to do nothing. I go through everyday feeling like I live two different lives. One life the wife and mother of four, who seems to be getting better. The other life is the sister who lost her brother and best friend. The one who lives in a fog with a dark cloud over her. I feel like I can only cry when I'm alone in my house or when everyones asleep. I can't talk to my parents or sisters about how I really feel. So I come here. I've started therapy in hopes of getting help to understand and to get better.

[tonyat]

Pixy, OMG- I LIVE IN ELKHART, TOO! I just checked your profile to see where you live, and there it was. I live in Jimtown, where do you live in Elkhart? I just tried to send you a private message on here, but I can't figure out how it works.

[pixy71]

tonyat, I live by Elkhart Central High School. I'm on a side street between Goshen Ave and Middlebury street. I couldn't figure out the private message thing either

[tonyat]

Are you on facebook? or could i email you? my email is tonyat777@gmail.com. you can find me on facebook, my name is Tonya (Wagoner) Thompson.