Have you gotten through without counseling?

[mab86]

My friend lost his younger brother to suicide about 6months ago. He went to counseling for about a month through his work assistance program but did not find it helpful at all. I think partly because the counselor he saw wasnt equiped to deal with his sort of loss. They refered him on to another counselor. He went twice but again did not find it helpful. He said that he felt 100x worse after going and it just made him angry. I tried to enourage him to try someone else, as finding the right counselor can be a bit like dating. But he doesnt want to. I know counseling isnt for everyone and everyone grieves differently but I worry about him. He doesnt talk about his grief much. He doesnt talk to his friends anymore. He only talks to his mom about once a week now. And he's cut me out to the point where we broke up and I moved home (he's australian, I'm american, I had moved there to be with him 2 months before his brother died). He pretty much goes to work and comes home and plays games all night which takes his mind off of everything. At least when I was there I could drag him out of the house every so often and he was forced to have some sort of interaction with other people. But now that I'm not there, I worry that he's going to shut himself off from life and never really assimulate back in.

Have other people gotten through their grief without professional help? He says that another reason why the counseling doesnt help is that he knows the counselor cant empathize with him. To that, I suggested trying a support group since then he would be talking with other suicide survivors. He doesnt want to do that either, saying that they wouldnt really understand either because they wouldnt have had the same relationship that he had with his brother or the circumstances that had surrounded his brother's death. I can understand that but no one's going to be able to completely identify with him since no one else IS him. I even tried sharing some of the posts on here with him thinking that they might help but again he said they didnt.
I just really worry about him keeping everything in and not really talking about his feelings. He's been more open in the past, so it's not like this is completely normal for him.

Do other survivors have any things that other people had done for you that helped? I'm trying to do my best to help him...probably to the point of annoyance for him. I ask him what helps and he says just knowing I'm there helps. I just feel so helpless, I want to be able to DO something.

[Tootle]

I think your heart is in the right place for trying to help your friend... When I first lost my brother I attempted to find a counselor to talk to, I was sadly disappointed that I couldn't find anyone who had experienced a suicide and I got really frustrated and quit looking after I saw someone who didn't help at all. Now it is almost 9 months later and just over a month ago I decided to try and get help again, this time I found a counselor, she hasn't personally experienced a suicide, but she is caring and understanding and I guess that's what matters. It isn't going to fix me, but for me the hope is to get some positive reinforcement to keep going, one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing.

I get tired of trying, and maybe he is too..sometimes it's easier to distract oneself with video games, the computer, tv, anything for a distraction...but that can only last so long and then we move back into the grief of trying to cope again. You can only do what you can do, you can't force him to get help, or even discuss his brother..I know I could talk about my brother all day, but I get really low and sad and nothing was accomplished by talking about him except me crying..again.. Besides, I think people get sick of me talking about the same things over and over and I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Maybe you could suggest a walk, a dinner out, a movie, a sports game..someplace where you don't have to talk about his brother or what is going on for him..just talk about something else and try to keep it light. Keep the communication lines open and when he feels more ready, perhaps he will bring things up to talk about his brother..maybe it will be a week, month or year, grief has no timeline. He may shut himself off for a long time. When my partner lost his wife to suicide 16 years ago he shut himself off for 2 years, then once he had some distance from the event he was able to try to deal with it a little at a bit. Please have patience for you friend and just remind him that you care.

Thoughts and prayers with you,
Toot

[heather]

mab86,

Hello,

I am seven months in from losing my brother to suicide and I have no insurance so the therapy is out. The second month I thought I was losing my mind so I did go and get on an antidepressant called Celexa 30mg this darn med is only ten bucks for a three month supply it really took the edge off. I found a group of suicide survivors called S.O.S. and they meet once a month on the third Wednesday. I don't think I will ever stop going it is just an open forum between people that are in the same exact boat as I am and frankly I think that that aspect is necessary. I can tell your a very loving person for trying to help, this is his journey and the best thing you can do is be kind and just extend your hand if he needs it. I am a pretty much staying home mostly still but I like it here and I am hoping I will adventure out again one day. Our steps become unsteady because the ground we always walked on is not what we thought it was. Take Care. (((hugs)))heather