My brother Kipp <3

[lewalker27]

Seven and a half weeks ago on April 14th, I lost my older brother. He was 19, was suppose to be 20 on April 22. I am 17 years old, with one more semester of high school and then getting ready to leave, start college, and my life. How am I suppose to do that? Sometimes it doesn't seem possible, I only want to live life now for him. He was such a incredible being, so smart and beautiful. He had many friends and family who loved him and saw all the beauty in him. He had a brilliant mind and soul. Even people he just met were impacted in some way from him. It hurts so much that he couldn't see what we saw in him. We tried to help him and 3 weeks before, we had an intervention but he didn't want help, never did, and was forced into the hospital. He broke out ( why did they put him on the 1st floor with a window?) He claimed it was a conscious decision and it wasn't because he was depressed, he just didn't want to live anymore. There were alot reasons: depression, drugs, and especially love, but also something different. He believed people should not fear death, that it is just another stage. Although I understand that and that people all leave in different ways, but its hard when they're not here... I feel like he was so close to coming out of it. He had never been suicidal before, until recently when he moved away. What he left behind was his writings. A bunch of philosophical theories, stories, explorations, and experience with the girl he loved. I am happy to have all of that. We all cherish it so much.

The memorial service was a few weeks ago. Friends and family came up to Alaska, which made it beautiful. It was powerful how he brought us all there together. Almost like all of us there had pieces of him with us and we were putting it together. It's been hard since everyone left, especially his close friends who were living with him at the time. We understood our loss, shared stories, and comforted each other. All of his stuff is still in his room from when he left last summer. His clothes still smell like him, his skateboards, and his old i pod. I listen to it non-stop.

The hardest part about losing a sibling is to see my parents fall apart. And the other hardest part for me and others I am sure is that I shared everything with him. The moment I was born, my first memory, and growing up together. He was not only my brother, but my play date, my best friend, and my hero. To lose that is just.... words just cannot explain it.

Something that I remind myself to do is to simply breathe. I hear him in the music, see him in the sky, and feel him in the wind. He is my guardian angel now.

[Blossom]

I am so sorry you have lost your lovely brother.

We lost our son in May last year - 2 days before his 19th birthday. His brother was 17 and in the last year of high school and he somehow, somehow, somehow, made it through to graduate. The school made a number of concessions on his behalf and really looked after him. If your mum and dad are too distraught to speak to teachers, please think about asking a family member to advocate on your behalf....perhaps attend meetings, edit your work etc. If your grades to drop, this is completely understandable...while it may seem like a huge problem now (even managing to attend on some days).... who YOU are will define your future, not just grades...let yourself trust this greater knowing. You will shine - not tomorrow, or ext week...maybe not even for a year....but you will shine.

I wanted to write to you because you said that the hardest thing was seeing your parents fall apart. This happened to our family as well....and to so many here on the forum. I realised only after a couple of mths that my surviving son lost both his parents too - his very foundation. It is hard enough to lose a sibling and be changed for life, in just one moment. It is even harder to lose people who still live and breathe right in front of you. Life had simply not been long enough for him to know that this would pass....it was real and it was here and now.

It got very hard....when I bellowed, my son was so freaked out, he wouldn't look at me and walked past me quickly to his room. These were very loud, heartbreaking noises coming from my soul....enough to freak anyone out!!! And try as I might, I simply did not have any space to care for him as a mother, in the first 6 weeks after our son died. An orphan in his own home.

I want to tell you that you mum and dad will come back to being very much what you knew them to be. it won't be the same....but mostly it will, but sometimes different too. I found that I was shattered and that, very slowly, little pieces of me started to connect with other little pieces of me. We started with small moments of forging a new kind of 'together' feeling....just the three of us.....doing the morning crossword together....then the odd breakthrough game of ping pong, sharing youtube music clips, back massages (sigh....I give so many and get very few!!!)....and most importantly, FOOD (he being 17 and hungry 24hrs a day). We would part company and do our own grieving too, but sometimes we sit around feeling 'flat' too. We had to learn like babies learn. Some commonalties and some differences. There is no way to practice or prepare for this terrible loss...the 'learning' is difficult on a daily basis, but things grow from this learning.

A year down this path, and we laugh and have some very good times together....our son has his mum and dad back. It must seem impossible to you now...but it will happen.

I'm sorry that I haven't addressed the other concerns you have written of. Perhaps some folk here will be of help.

I REALLY appreciate what you wrote because I haven't got good insight into my son's feelings....and you wrods have given me food for thought. Thanks. Hold on. Hold tight.