Seven and a half weeks ago on April 14th, I lost my older brother. He was 19, was suppose to be 20 on April 22. I am 17 years old, with one more semester of high school and then getting ready to leave, start college, and my life. How am I suppose to do that? Sometimes it doesn't seem possible, I only want to live life now for him. He was such a incredible being, so smart and beautiful. He had many friends and family who loved him and saw all the beauty in him. He had a brilliant mind and soul. Even people he just met were impacted in some way from him. It hurts so much that he couldn't see what we saw in him. We tried to help him and 3 weeks before, we had an intervention but he didn't want help, never did, and was forced into the hospital. He broke out ( why did they put him on the 1st floor with a window?) He claimed it was a conscious decision and it wasn't because he was depressed, he just didn't want to live anymore. There were alot reasons: depression, drugs, and especially love, but also something different. He believed people should not fear death, that it is just another stage. Although I understand that and that people all leave in different ways, but its hard when they're not here... I feel like he was so close to coming out of it. He had never been suicidal before, until recently when he moved away. What he left behind was his writings. A bunch of philosophical theories, stories, explorations, and experience with the girl he loved. I am happy to have all of that. We all cherish it so much.
The memorial service was a few weeks ago. Friends and family came up to Alaska, which made it beautiful. It was powerful how he brought us all there together. Almost like all of us there had pieces of him with us and we were putting it together. It's been hard since everyone left, especially his close friends who were living with him at the time. We understood our loss, shared stories, and comforted each other. All of his stuff is still in his room from when he left last summer. His clothes still smell like him, his skateboards, and his old i pod. I listen to it non-stop.
The hardest part about losing a sibling is to see my parents fall apart. And the other hardest part for me and others I am sure is that I shared everything with him. The moment I was born, my first memory, and growing up together. He was not only my brother, but my play date, my best friend, and my hero. To lose that is just.... words just cannot explain it.
Something that I remind myself to do is to simply breathe. I hear him in the music, see him in the sky, and feel him in the wind. He is my guardian angel now.