Alright, so, we've all lost someone near and dear to us, right?? Then how come, this category, of teenagers remembering, is so under-used? I mean, a lot of you lost your own parents, or a kid, but some of you lost your spouse and have even made comments about you don't know exactly how your kids are taking it, just that they are having a hard time. But how come hardly anyone posts on here? Is it really that taboo just being a kid and losing someone who is supposed to mean so much to you and be there for you and with you for a while longer but no longer is? I don't know. I mean, I come from a small town. When i was in 6th grade, my oldest brother's classmate died in the same manner. His family started some suicide awareness festival thinger for all the surrounding small communities to be held each year. Not a whole lot in thaat manner has happened until this year, when, while my dad was simply 'missing', a high school senior potentially did the same thing (so he was depressed and tried something this summer and he had a hunting accident so they really are unsure of what exactly happened). Then came the news of my dad. But then, why do people stare at you once they realize who you are, even if it's not the first time for a small town?
I've always been forced to grow up faster/earlier than most kids my age. Starting when I first got sick way back when and it's just been one thing after another. Now, with my dad gone, it's like there's nothing to fall back or lean upon. I'm still in school, which is okay, because I have had to pay for college by myself, but there's no comfort that I can take in knowing that if at some point i can no longer afford school, no one can bail me out. it's all on me and i don't have a path really. But then, with my dad gone, we don't have any income to support the family with the essentials. My 21yr old bro will soon have to start paying for groceries and stuff like that for the family because my mom physically cannot work. Yet, it won't be years until there's any sort of 'money' that rolls in. In the meantime, we spent several months without insurance, missing important doctor appointments that take up to a year to even get in to see. We finally got some insurance, but with limited visits. Which is fine and all, if you're generally healthy. But for my mom and i, that's not the case one bit. So, with all these appointments that I still need to make up b/c my doctors are refusing to refill my prescriptions otherwise, i must not get sick. Ohhhh. Impossible. In the last week, a freak concussion playing basketball and bronchitis b/c it suddenly warmed up outside and i have severe asthma. No worries, scratch an appt off the list for what i can see. It's like impending doom. Love it (sarcasm, clearly).
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm angry. A lot of the time. It does feel unfair, in a way, I guess. I mean, it's not like we really had anything 'great' going on as a family, but to have someone, especially your own parent, to listen to something inside of them saying it's not worth the fight anymore, it sucks a lot. But you guys already know that most likely. But things sucked. I told myself for years now, if my parents ever split, I'd want to live with my dad. Only now he's gone, so my parents aren't going to split, and things are just going to suck even more because now anything goes basically. Now, basically, it really is completely up to me to keep my family happy, though it basically was to begin with. I've always been stuck as the mediator between my family since I was little. Not that it really helps because when your brother over 6ft tall is abusive, a little shrimp kid can't do anything but look on in horror. But everything anyone ever did wrong, I had to be the 'listening ears' for my family. I hated it. Always have, but I could never say anything about it or it'd be like i just harmed the person by saying so. That's why, I've always wanted to live with my dad if my parents ever split. I was tired of hearing all this Bullcrap about my dad that i didn't want to know, that it wasn't my PLACE to know. So now, i'll always remember the last copule years of my dad's life as whatever crap i had to hear from mother dearest. Things i didn't care about, things i didn't want to know, thigns blown out of proportion, etc. He could never do anything right, but then, no one could accept the 'angel daughter', me. And it made me sick having to be the 'good' person in the family all because I had to be the glue that held it together. Well, there's no glue anymore, because there's not much to hold together anymore. Just mom and us 3 kids, but we've mostly gone our own little ways already, which just makes mother dearest want to cling to me, the one farthest away, even more so than before. And it deosn't help being the 'baby' of the family.
He was gone long before he was actually gone. Most of my life to be exact. Well, I guess when he was that drunk, that really didn't count. AndI'm not sure sitting at his drunken friends house really counted as 'bonding time', except for to me and the other poor kids that got stuck there to fend off the creeps who'd hit on us or try to make us drink or do drugs before we were even 10. Yea, that doesn't really count. Or staying up with your own dad passing out from alcohol poinsionng, refusing to go to the hospital, that def doesn't count either. And after that, when he was done with his drinking days??
Our pivotal moments, if you will, would be him teaching me to split wood properly and other 'manly' things because my brothers were lazy and I tended to help him out. Yeah... he taught me to mow the lawn early on too so that everyone else got out of that, but I did it to keep mum happy. That's always been my goal... keep mum happy. At the cost of what?
I wish more than anything, as do most of you, that my loved one were still here. It's not so much for some sort of support or comfort, but mostly, because I miss the man I hardly knew. He won't be there for graduation, or brithdays, or for my first big job, or holidays, or weddings... he won't be there to support his own daughter through the beginning of life, but it's supposed to be okay, right? I'm supposed to find a way that I won't miss seeing my dad, or that slight smile that always hid behind his beard, or him teasing me when I twitch right as I try to drink something. I don't care if that last one was sometimes a slap to the face, it's just how my dad was, he didn't mean to make fun of me for something I can't help. Well, I guess now it's even more so my job to make sure the family is happy and fine with things until some other guy just swoops into my moms life whether or not i approve, becasue that's not my place. not unless someone in the family wants to bag on someone else-- that's my place.
Don't worry. I'm just an ordinary kid trying to make it through this hell of a ride, trying to figure things out a state away, trying to learn how to talk to the counselor again, trying to get over this stupid anger, etc. But, with all the pangs of hurt, sadness, and lonliness ever eating away at me. Things not even my roommates or counselors will ever really understand. Where so far, no words of comfort ease the pain. Where I'm always on teh outside looking in through the glass doors as life goes on for others, but seemingly halted for me still as words spoken still blend together into meaningless mush. Where i spend many class times looking on this site instead of paying attention, because my attention is never in class anyways, so what's the difference?
He wasn't supposed to leave us. It wasn't his time yet. Try as i might, no one will ever fill the place of my dad's shoes.