Remembering my fathersl

Help teenagers who may have lost friends or famil members to suicide, in the hopes that they can find a safe place to discuss and share with each other.

Remembering my fathersl

Postby 3mohum4n » Thu Feb 18, 2016 12:06 am

I won't promise that everything is gonna be ok. I gave up on trusting promises/people after this tragic event. If you're going through a similar situation, I hope this does something for you, but I'm just here to vent. Oh and a pre warning for you, this is gonna be long so if you enjoy long stories, keep reading ;)
Here's my story:
So lemme give you a little background of my dad. When he was a child he was a very skinny boy, kinda like how I am today. A skinny human. But after may years of working out at the gym, he was very muscular. By the time I was born, he wasn't skinny (he was muscular). So my dad didn't have the easiest childhood. When he was a kid, he got into a lot of trouble. Now I'm not saying trouble like "getting detention everyday" kind of trouble. He was a confuse/depressed kid and got into some serious trouble. During his younger years he got into a lot of fights and ended up beating people, and as he grew older, he would drink/do drugs, got kicked out of the house, and even went to jail more than once.
But that was the past.
After that, he realized that he had to change and he did, for the better. With the help of my mom, he graduated college with a Masters Degree. Though the day he earned his degree, his father passed away, but that didn't stop my dad. He soon after married my mom and had 2 children (including me).Things seemed to be going pretty well for him until his life took an unpleasant turn that shattered him for good. A few years after me, and my sibling were born, he had lost his mom to cancer. That might've been one of the main reasons that made his brain click... but I'll never fully know. It didn't take long for his depression to kick in from then. He wasn't the same person, though he still had a good heart. He started staying up late at night and waking up late in the evening. Despite that, one thing that I'll never forget was that he always went to bed with me. He would be on the opposite side of the bed and while he was on his laptop, I was falling asleep. Anyway, as he was recovering from his mother's death, another thing just had to ironically hit him again.He lost his job. He had 2 very good jobs. He was a social worker who worked in hospitals, and he was a personal trainer. He was the boss at his social worker job. Unfortunately, that was the job that he had lost. The people working there were getting rid of people from that job and technically my dad wasn't fired, but was rid of as well. Everything went downhill from there. We weren't getting the amount of money that we needed to live off of, since his job helped with that. He then became a violent, manic person. It became so out of control that my mom had asked him to move out. It made me very upset to see him leave, but my mom said it was for the better and that if he got angry, we wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt anymore. I didn't really care about that though. I loved him. Yeah I was depressed but I wasn't confused; I knew it wasn't my fault. But after that he started building his life back up from that. He got a new job as a security guy, and got his own house (kinda), living in the basement of some family's house. Then years after, he was able to buy his own little house. I enjoyed it. He said that he wanted to get his own cat for his new house but he had to live there for about a year before he could. Me and my family got to see his house a couple of times and one time, I got to sleepover. But of course soon after, things started to change again. I'm not really sure what this meant but when he got his new house, he bought this christ symbol statue thing and hung it up in the kitchen. He was also wearing a religious bracelet that also had the christ symbol on it. When I asked him about why he had those things he got a little edgy. I thought nothing of it then, but now I'm questioning if those possessions meant that he was getting closer and closer to G-d.
Ok so now I'm gonna skip ahead like a month.
It was the week of my sibling's birthday and my family and I went out to celebrate it. My dad came too. For my sibling's party, we had planned on seeing a movie and then going to an ice-cream shop right after. My dad said that he'd go to both. He only attented to the movie. Keep in mind that this was the week of his death. After the movie he said he couldn't come because he had to leave to go to the gym or a meeting or something. Now this was a daily routine of his. If he couldn't see my family, it was usually only due to those 2 reasons. However, knowing that that was the week of his death, it wasn't for those 2 reasons. Probably it was either because of his depression, to get the gun in which he later on in the week used to kill himself, or to buy the alcohol that could've possibly driven him to do so. Ok enough go my dumb anger ranting. So skipping ahead to a thursday during that week, at night my mom, sibling, and I decided to facetime my dad. I think that day he was at work so he was in his car at that time. I was reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird and I wanted him to read it to us. He downloaded the book on his computer and read a few pages on facetime. When he finished, he said that he loved us all, wished us a good night, and hung up.
That was the last night that I was ever going to see him.
The next day was a Friday and I was going to be singing at a concert. Now my dad doesn't always keep his promises because I know that he's busy. However, particularly this event was something that I constantly begged him to see and he said he'd go. He didn't. Keep in mind that that was the night of his death. I thought nothing of it then, but now I realize that he didn't come because he was preparing to kill himself. I just shrugged- the fact that he wasn't coming- off and did great at the concert.
If only I had known.
The next day seemed like a fairly normal day. Or so I thought. Me and my sibling were watching a bunch of youtube videos when we started to hear my mom cry. We didn't realize that she was the first to know about his death. I honestly thought she was on her period. We shrugged it off and watched a movie together. Then one of my mom's close friend had come in for a visit. Now the only strange thing about this is that 1. we never see her, and 2. she lives too far away to visit us. But obviously something big must've driven her to come here (I thought that day). I knew something was up and I asked my mom, but she claimed it to be nothing. She then said that we should go out and hang with our friends instead of stay inside, so that she didn't have to tell us what was going on. We left to hang with our friends. We ended up going to a fun baseball game and eating ice cream after, trying to ignore what had happened earlier that day, but we just couldn't. We then left our friends and went back home.
When we got back, our entire family (grandpa, grandma, aunt, uncle, etc) were sitting on the couches. Silence.
That really bothered/confused my sibling and I, so we begged our mom to tell us what had happened. We sat on her bed.
She then said "dad's dead."The next day was a Friday and I was going to be singing at a concert. Now my dad doesn't always keep his promises because I know that he's busy. However, particularly this event was something that I constantly begged him to see and he said he'd go. He didn't. Keep in mind that that was the night of his death. I thought nothing of it then, but now I realize that he didn't come because he was preparing to kill himself. I just shrugged- the fact that he wasn't coming- off and did great at the concert.
If only I had known.
The next day seemed like a fairly normal day. Or so I thought. Me and my sibling were watching a bunch of youtube videos when we started to hear my mom cry. We didn't realize that she was the first to know about his death. I honestly thought she was on her period. We shrugged it off and watched a movie together. Then one of my mom's close friend had come in for a visit. Now the only strange thing about this is that 1. we never see her, and 2. she lives too far away to visit us. But obviously something big must've driven her to come here (I thought that day). I knew something was up and I asked my mom, but she claimed it to be nothing. She then said that we should go out and hang with our friends instead of stay inside, so that she didn't have to tell us what was going on. We left to hang with our friends. We ended up going to a fun baseball game and eating ice cream after, trying to ignore what had happened earlier that day, but we just couldn't. We then left our friends and went back home.

I laughed thinking it was but a mere joke, but when I realized that she was serious, my sibling and I were crying hysterically.
3mohum4n
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Re: Remembering my fathersl

Postby Karyl » Thu Feb 18, 2016 10:15 am

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry that your dad is gone, and that he died by suicide. Thank you for telling us about him.

How are you doing?
Karyl
Site Admin
 
Posts: 251
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:11 am


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