Telling Co-workers

[mariner]

I told my boss that I needed time off when my mom passed away. He knew about my mom's struggles with mental illness and I didn't have any issues with telling him about how she died... I believe he must have told the rest of my colleagues somehow. I think most people would question how someone passed away if someone told them that one of their colleague's mom's just died. It doesn't bother me because I am not ashamed nor embarrassed about what happened. It is what it is....

My team is comprised of mature and supportive people... At least I think they all are... When I see them, they tell me how sorry they are about my loss and seem very sincere. I have opened up to a few colleagues and talked to them about what happened, how it has affected me, etc....

I am starting to wonder whether this is a smart approach. I feel that I can be open with them and they seem to all be mature and good people. But I don't know whether it was the right thing for me to share and mix my own personal affairs with people from my work. I don't know if it can come back to haunt me or whether people will think differently about me etc.....

Curious to know what others here think about this subject and what your experiences have been.... Did your co-workers look at you different or treat you differently(in a bad way) down the road etc...

[ScottsMom]

I didn't have coworkers to worry about because I was a stay home mom for so long. I work now and our news is old so I have not had that bridge to cross.

I did have other relationships and had my worries. The first thing I noticed was a separating of the chaff from the wheat. Those in my corner have held on and the others fell away. Even the ones I had to have dealings with as you do I just checked off my list of confidants, if it was evident they were not on my side or were not engaged. I was satisfied not to contend with those without the stomach for it. I guess I still find the notion illogical that anyone would use this against any survivor, I suppose it happens.

I think each has to choose for himself what 'consequences' can be accepted. I could not work or socialize with anyone who cannot simply accept my position and respect it. I can't undo any of it - for me or them. The job I have doesn't make or break me - but my grief cycle could - and part of that is comfort with the environments I choose to be part of. I don't know what fears you think could come true - what sabotage might lurk for real or in your imagined scenarios. I think you might be the only one who can decide how your career might be affected.

I can't help adding- you are modeling to your collegues in a healthy and civically responsible manner- that serves everyone involved. That is also worth considering.

V--

[Suzanne]

Hi Mariner,
I went back to work a little more than a week after my husband Dave's suicide. The cause of his death was not a secret in my workplace. I found that to be a good thing. People were amazingly open to letting me talk and just listening. If I needed to walk out for a while, nobody questioned it. I found people were really supportive, really rooting for me.
There was no whispering behind my back. Several other survivors of suicide came to me to share their experiences. I will never regret being open about Dave's depression and suicide.
I may have been really lucky with the people I worked with. There were a few people who shied away, who seemed uncomfortable when I talked about Dave. But most people were pretty amazing. I sometimes think my candor disarmed people. I don't think anyone thought less of me. I don't think i could have survived in my workplace if people did not know the truth. I needed to be able to go talk to someone when I needed to. I could hold very little in. Everyone understood. No lasting repercussions. I had to move offices about 6 months after Dave's death due to a major reorganization. I still have a very special place in my heart for my colleagues at that time. They made work a place of refuge for me.
Suzanne

[blume07]

Mariner:
I've work for a major company for over 30 years. I have my co-workers, friends, and those that are more like family than friends. I felt overwhelming love and support from them all. I did not hide the cause of my son's death, but did not share all the intimate details...only those very close to me know it all. Management worked with me and with sick time and berevement time, I was able to take 3 weeks off. I work from my home and do field work, and go into the office at least 2 times a week, so I don't have that daily mingling with other workers. I think that has been a good thing for me, because when I'm having a bad day I can cry openly without the stares or whispers.
As far as being treated differenly, sometimes I get that 'over the top' feeling with some 'sympathy looks' followed with "how are you doing?" Maybe not always sincere...I'm not always in the mood to share, and usually give my standard "I'm OK". I know who my friends are...and they know how I am and don't have to ask. But I've never regretted that I did not keep his cause of death a secret. I know someone who had, and it just led to speculation and rumors. I don't think people think differently about me...just different because they know I have suffered a tremendous loss and most don't know how to deal with it.

I do understand your concern. While I was off, a co-worker was promoted up one level...her and I had the same work experience, same number of years with the company, and similar work performance. I can't help but wonder if it was because I was out that I was overlooked...or maybe they didn't know if I was strong enough to handle my grief or thought I would be out a lot (which I haven't). After 3 years, I'm still waiting. But with the economy the way it has been, there has been very little movement up...and more terminations and lay-offs. I guess in this environment I should be happy to have a job (I hate it when people say that!)

You know your own situation and your own work environment, and I'm sure you have chosen the right course.
Take care.

[Faith]

Hi Mariner:

I have been honest and open with my co-workers, about my sons death. I have never been sorry for being so open. One reason I can do this is the fact that I feel no shame at the way my beloved son died, only sadness. It is time people realize that mental illness is a very serious thing, and what the outcome can be, if help is not found.

It sounds like, in your case, as in mine, being honest has paid off. Maybe for some other people the out come wouldn't be as good as ours has been. I guess it depends on the people they work with.

Wishing you sunshine and peace.

Faith

[Grant]

I'd definitely agree with being honest. We are all carrying enough without adding further stress. One quote I read early on which rung so true was: "People need to understand it's not how she died that matters, its THAT she died."

[Br0kenHearted]

Curious to know what others here think about this subject and what your experiences have been.... Did your co-workers look at you different or treat you differently(in a bad way) down the road etc...

Honestly, I think that if people know the truth they are better equipped to handle our down times. But I personally communicate too deeply with them. Just the facts so they know why you're whacky on your whacky days. The deep stuff... that's what groups and family and close friends are for. Just my opinion. (((HUGS)))

[mariner]

thank you all for your feedback. Wishing everyone all the best.

[forevereddie]

hi...my experience was horrible because my husband commited suicide thurs morning and by thursday evening half of my workplace new and i work with over 600 people because someone i worked withs husband worked with mine and she felt the need to come let everyone know for me....i am so angry...i couldn't even process my husbands death or have a chance to tell my manager and already i was getting texts and calls....my 2 good friends there were getting bombarded with questions and all the rumors circulated....it was unbearable to go back to work because even though they were saying he shot himself hung himslef od'd....all of those would have been better than the method my husband chose....it still is so hard...i went back after 3 weeks have been back for 3 1/2 weeks...i actually confronted the person that came in and told everyone today as a matter of fact...i was professional but i felt alot better getting it out.....i think it's best to keep it limited to only people you can trust....you don't owe anyone any explanations......my coworkers were strictly warned to not even approach me, gossip or to bring it up because it would be an HR issue...at these times you find out who your real friends are....so sorry about your mom.....stay strong mariner...

rebecca

[MaggieMI]

I agree it is probably better that people know that you are grieving at work.
I am having a hard time concentrating at work myself and handling the work load. I haven't felt like talking to my boss about that because the friend I lost was not an immediate family member or someone that I had close contact with in recent years. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to take advantage of the situation. My old friend's death is really affecting me, though, it's such a shock and I feel guilty for not being in his life since he and I lost touch. I know he had a support network, and it may seem like I have no right to feel grief over his death, but grief is grief. When someone truly touches your life they touch your life forever.
Good luck with your work situation. Maybe posting something likehttp://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=EBC5A89F-7E90-9BD4-C5059BDFB05E9FDD in a break room would help give coworkers a signal on how to respect what you are going through.