Lost my special girl

[Grant]

Hi. My special girl, Cassie, took her own life just after Christmas and I still cannot really believe it. She was so brave, kind and loving. We'd started going out together about 6 years ago, and moved in together about 20 months go. She'd had a terrible, terrible childhood with the most awful emotional abuse from the age of about 2. And she was the most caring and lovely soul I have ever met. Without doubt she was the love of my life - we were like soul mates, and I just loved every minute we were together. Even the simple things in life like having dinner, going to the shops, watching a film were a total pleasure with Cassie. I've never felt so loved in all my life, and never been so in love.

She tried so hard to beat the darkness that was inside her and that always threatened to take her. She'd gone to therapy, taken medication, was doing journals and other exercises. But the pain and guilt she felt inside just proved too much.

And now my life is empty. She was just 37 and I knew that she and I would be together for ever - we even talked about having a baby next year - something that she'd wanted all her life. After such a horrible start in life she more than anyone deserved a 'happy ever after' and I wanted to help her to get it. But she said she never deserved it, was not worthy of it. The darkness was with her all the time - trying to destroy her. I gave her all the love I had, and her best friend Monicka did the same. But tragically it was not enough to save our poor darling.

I don't know where my life goes now. All my futures had Cassie at the centre of them. I didn't mind what the future brought, provided me and Cassie were together. Our love was so special and now it's gone. Everything seems so pointless, so mundane now. I used to be a very positive, upbeat person - but not any more. Losing Cassie has ripped my heart out and the world feels so meaningless. It has to - there is only one thing is this world that I want, and it's the one thing that cannot ever be.

The guilt, sadness and emptiness are just awful. Family, friends and therapy are all helping in a little way I think, but nothing seems to touch this void inside. Maybe that is life for me now - to function - but to be lifeless inside. Everything, everywhere reminds me of Cassie and how lovely and special she was. I can't believe she's gone...

[medebs]

I am so sorry for the loss of your soul mate Cassie. My brother too suffered from those demons in his head. I can't say he had a terrible childhood-we had a wonderful childhood. But depression runs in the family-it was genetic. The love you have for Cassie is not gone. That love will always be with you. You will carry in your heart forever. I had the opportunity to tell my brother before he died how much I loved him and always looked up to him. He was surprised to hear that being that I am the older of the three of us. I will never stop loving him as long as there is a breath in my body. I don't have to and neither do you. I try not to think of his death as a negative-he is no longer suffering and hearing those demons. He is out of pain and that gives me great comfort. I feel lucky to have known my brother as I did. You are also lucky to have known your wonderful and caring Cassie as well. My pain like yours is intense. I try to put that aside as well, because I wouldn't be able to function otherwise. Keep on visiting this forum. You will be able to cry and yell and scream and rant and it does help to have people who suffer from the same pain-even though we each have our own that we claim as ours. I send a hug and hope you take comfort here with the rest of us.

[mariner]

Hi Grant,

Sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you are reaching out to family, friends, counselling etc to get some help. I loss my mother 3 weeks ago this Sunday. She was my everything. Very loving, very kind, and always thinking of others before herself. I tried very hard to keep her on her medications and tried very hard to see her and get her out and about. I was often unsuccessful because she was never in the mood to do anything. To make things worse, she had mental illness and was battling a lot of stress with things going on inside her head. We finally turned a corner 7 months ago when she was finally stable on her medications through a program where she had to go to the pharmacy a few blocks away every day to take her medications. This was due to the fact that she was in and out of hospital 4 times in the past 1.5 years due to going off her meds. While she was on this program, she was much better. Her delusions were still present but they were manageable. She did refuse my invites for lunch or invites for me to come visit her. She went and visited her sisters which did not happen before. She seemed to be doing great and I was so happy since this was the first real progress we've made in 6 years or so. But then the last few weeks of January something happened and she turned for the worse. Became very sad. We talked to the pharmacy manager to get his help to keep a closer eye on her in case she was faking taking her meds. They don't necessary stand there to watch her while she's taking them. We later found out she was throwing up afterwards.

I had many thoughts of what I could have done more, what I should have done, etc.... I tried.... We all have tried and for some strange and unfair reason, our minds play a trick on us to make us think we could have done more etc.....

I know you were also your girlfriend's life partner and everything you felt she felt as well. There was a comment on another post which I found to be inspiring...... It was someone.. I believe it was a mother who lost her son.... he wrote her a note and in one of his comments, he thanked his mother for being by his side and said...."you got me this far".... That really moved me....

Our love and everything we did was not enough to save our loved ones but it was enough to get them through a few dark days... a few dark weeks.... a few dark months... or even a few dark years...... We gave them hope that life was worth living.. a least for another day....We cast doubt in their minds that it wasn't the right time to go...... WE ALL WERE A PART of that process and that I find is truely an amazing revelation.

Wishing you all the best.

[Blossom]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your lovely Cassie. Your words are so beautiful - I feel I can almost see her.

For a bunch of people who feel the void as you do, we use this forum here to name what that void is...and yes, sometimes it feels mundane, and our wheels spin. But the power of healing lies in naming that which shall not be named - it seems to make things move. Movement is at the heart of healing and I guess it is living too. Please feel welcome to this parallel universe of movement, so out of sync with the 'world' that moves around us. These are hard days, I know. There is no linear 'progress' to be made. There is only living grief as your soul is stamped...and that is very hard to do in this new world when we are pulled and shoved by so many influences and expectations...and who we thought we were (talk about believing the advertising). After my son died I was drawn deeply into the hearts of others...then gradually they re-engaged with their lives, their world, and they pulled away like a big ship. It seems I have to relate on their terms and although I am grateful for any terms of love, it is not enough. That is why I am here.

Take heart, you are not alone. Please take care to look after yourself, especially sleep. I will keep an eye out for you here.

[Grant]

Thank you for your replies, they were really nice to read. So many memories - all so fantastic. I guess in time they will comfort, but for now they just make me feel so sad. Sad because there could have been so many more. Tragic especially, as others here seem to have found, because Cassie appeared to have made a real jump forward. She had escaped her awful mother and then a loveless marriage. She had met and fallen in love with someone who for the first time loved her for who she was. She had met a true friend in Monicka that she talked and shared with every single day. She was slowly allowing herself to let hope come into her heart. She was able to see a future. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the darkness took her.

Cassie talked about suicide many times and there had been prior attempts. But not for a while, and she truly did seem so happy over Christmas. I think because I too was so happy I didn't see it. I didn't realise that the little stresses of life that we all take for granted were rising and rising to the point where she suddenly could not take it any more. I guess my head can think that there is nothing I could have done, but my heart knows otherwise. I always believed we could get through it and out the other side. I still do! Which makes no sense whatsoever. I just keep wanting another chance. My mind constantly plays out what I could have done differently, what I will do differently now - before realising once more that we don't get a second chance. And then the sadness returns. I miss her so much.

[Suzanne]

Hi Grant,
I am so sorry you lost Cassie. I lost my husband a little more than 4 years ago.
I know that void inside. My family and friends were wonderful and supportive But as wonderful as they were, nobody could touch that emptiness. I remember thinking how I just wanted someone to crawl inside me and curl up in that space so I would not feel that terrible, terrible void.
Over the four years, the emptiness has receded somewhat, but there are still times when the loneliness is overwhelming.
Please come back and visit the forum. We do understand.
Suzanne

[Grant]

Had a terrible couple of hours last night. The day had gone OK, managed to do some work. But then suddenly overwhelmed with sadness and tears as I realised just how much I had lost in Cassie. I was gazing at her photo, she was smiling out at me with our little dog by her feet. She was the kindest, sweetest most loving girl in the world. She opened my heart. I loved her so much. I miss her every second of every day. She looked so beautiful in that photo, and I knew deep down that I will never love like that again. There is only one 'soul mate' in this world for us - what we had felt so special so wonderful, and I knew that we were destined to be together for the rest of our lives. She knew it too and we had so many plans. And I now as I realise they will never be, it feels like my life is over, but I have to let it continue until it's my turn. But I will be dead inside without Cassie's love and without her being there with me as I go forward. I just wish I could go back and save her - tell her that it will be OK - and get another chance. I hate this.

[Chelsea]

Grant, I am so sorry for your loss. As I read your posts, I can see the love you had for her. She sounds
so beautiful, inside and out. I too lost my soul mate Oct. 27, 2010. I miss him so much, it is unbearable.
I go thru the motions of living, but this is not life. Today was a bad day. I have sat on my couch and
watched dumb tv and cried all day. Seriously, all day. I guess we all need days like that. I finally got
up and decided to try to take a walk, maybe feel better. Haven't eaten, can't ever sleep, it's a pain beyond
words. I agree with what you say, there is only one soul mate for us. My love was my soul mate, my best friend,
the love of my life. He treated me like no other. We had such plans and hopes and dreams. I don't know how
to exist without him. My heart has a whole that cannot be fixed. I wonder what it would be like to laugh or
even smile again. Please come onto this site when you are at your low points. It really does help. Sadly,
there are many that have these feelings. My family and friends do not understand at all. This is my safe
place. Hugs and prayers to all.
~Chelsea

[medebs]

To all of you-I feel your pain tonight-I wish I could turn back the clock for all of you. Chelsea-it is unbearable. Grant-it is overwhelming-I send my thoughts and prayers and lots of hugs-I hope tomorrow is better for you. For all of us.

[Grant]

Chelsea thank you. There is some comfort in realising that others here truly do understand what I'm going through. For days before I posted, I remember reading your's and bella's posts and they really moved me. They were written from deep within your aching heart - I could tell that you really really did understand the horror and awfulness of losing the love of your life. The pain and suffering you were going through were the same. Like me, you felt the terrible loss at the destruction of your futures together as a couple. The loss of hopes, dreams, everything.

Family and friends just don't get it. They try hard of course, but focus on the practical stuff. Their help is great, and much appreciated. Especially in the early days my brother and father were immense and shielded me from all but the things only I could do. But now their focus is on 'getting everyone back to normal'. Which is fine for them, but for us there is no 'normal' any more. We've woken up - transported into an alien world. All the people and places look the same, but everything is different. I can't interact with the world in the same way - it's changed. And all day, every day, I just want to go back to the old world - the world where Cassie greets me with a massive smile and hug as I walk through the door of our apartment.


medebs - i've read of your terrible pain and suffering in your other posts, and am hoping that by suffering through this unique awfulness together, it might slowly bring some small comfort for all of us - one post at a time. I hope so.