I feel horrible. I don't think I'll ever believe I didn't fail her. I know I could have helped her, changed everything if I just could have the chance.
I tell her every day that I'm so sorry. That I understand. I struggle that she might have thought I didn't care or would've been burdened by helping her.
I followed her everywhere as a child. I was shy and afraid of everything and she was my rock. They had to separate us in school so I'd be forced to venture away from her. I owed her and no I'll never get the chance to repay her or tell her what she truly meant to me.
We should've been a team. I should have been there to save her. It kills me the hours she spent alone agonizing over her decision.
How do you make peace with it?? How do you ever believe you couldn't have changed it all but didn't??
My heart goes out to you. Losing a sibling could be very difficult to cope with, but a twin has to be at another level because of the bond you have with each other.
What makes you think your sister spent hours agonizing over the decision to end her life?
And how did you find out?
How did I find out she died? We were all searching the area for her. My older sister called me and said my twin's husband said there was an ambulance; they found something. As I was driving to the scene, she called again confirming it was her and she was gone. Then my niece called in hysterics because she was the first one to the scene and they were keeping her in a squad car away from her mother's body. She was still in the woods. Propped up against a tree when I got there. It's all still surreal. I can't believe it.
First off it is not your fault. We all make choices, your twin chose this and its difficult to understand the reasons why.
I struggled with the fact that the love of my life chose to call her mother instead of me before she made her choice. I felt that had I known I would have been there to help her reason it out better or stopped her if it came to that, but we can not live our lives in distrust of others (something else I had to learn to deal with afterwards).
We all are ultimately responsible for our self, the best we can do is to simply be there when we can for anyone else. Its not your fault she avoided everyone on purpose.
The only way out is to go thru the guilt and grief but sadly it is a life long process.
The choices we make affect so many others in our lives, I am glad you found us here but I am so sorry you have to endure this with us. You may need counseling just like the rest of us have needed. We are here for you.
Much love and peace,