She did not work out for me. Please tell me where to start.
It is overwhelming. It Is hard to breathe.
There is so much I need to say to you- I am going to ramble...sorry. Take from it whatever fits and dump the rest.
stay in the moment as much as you can. When I start to look into the future without my boy, or look into the past ( and all the what if's) I get lost. I can't get out of my head, and I can't breathe. Think about today - this hour - this minute. Your only job right now is to get through each day one moment at a time. There will be the rest of your life to look at the future and the past- when you are ready. Not now.
Take care of yourself - whatever that looks like- grief is exhausting. For me that meant going back to work, to a job I love, people who care about me and the distraction.
Keep looking for a counsellor. I tried many. None were exceptional, but I believe I really only needed a listening, non judgmental ear. There are some good groups- Compassionate Friends is one, that might be helpful. No matter how hard it is keep looking for that connection.
You will survive. It's the worst and hardest thing I am still doing. I miss him so much, but I live my life. It is different now- I will never be the same- you won't either. The pain got gentler for me over time.
This is so new for you. I am so so sorry. I wish I lived close to you. I would sit and breathe with you- listen to you speak your daughters name aloud, and be okay with your tears .
Take care. I am thinking of you.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
My heart aches for you, for I, too, have recently suffered the death, due to suicide, of one of my children. While we share the heartache of our children dying, you also have PTSD from the trauma of finding your daughter. I am soooo sorry.
Your original post was for a therapist in Kansas and unfortunately I cannot help you with that. Has your research since your original post turned anything up for a counselor? Do you have a local mental health chapter (NAMI) who could perhaps refer you to someone that meets your criteria?
It's only been 4 months for me. Feels like it's been for forever and yet it feels like yesterday.
The other posters who have more time in the healing journey have a lot of wisdom and hope to offer, but I thought since this is so new for both of us, you might like to hear some perspective from someone "just a little further down the road" from you. Included in this post are little things that have helped me to at least get to where I am today:
One thing I read, probably on one of these boards, is that NO day will ever be as bad as THAT day.
I like this quote I read from Rose Kennedy: "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
I can't address directly your question of how did you miss this - all I know is that that is one of the suckiest parts, for me, - all of the unanswered questions.
We have been blessed with lots of support. One of the things I told myself in the beginning, when I realized people were going to reach out in so many different ways, ... I told myself to say "yes" (and "thank you" ... ) to those reaching out. One woman (who I only knew a little through church) extended to my husband and I to just come hang on the deck at her house in the country. She felt her deck offered a place of "calmness." Friends or neighbors you perhaps don't even know that well, may want to bring you a meal. Graciously accept. Shortly before Christmas, our priest sent an e mail and asked me if I wanted a "check up" - I didn't think I had any immediate questions but said "yes" and ended up talking to him for 1 1/2 hours. Mind you, it wasn't until my son's death that I really talked to my priest. We didn't just talk about spiritual issues.
You asked "How did you do it" - I had previously been hooked up with a counselor be/c of the situation with my son, but now I see her with more regularity. I write my thoughts on a notecard so that when I go see her, I don't forget what I wanted to talk about. I talk to my priest occasionally. Where I work, there is a chaplain and occasionally she will ask me "how I am doing." I know she truly does care so I run questions and thoughts by her. I also sought out a Suicide Survivor Support group in my community. Someone previously suggested to you drinking lots of water - I do try to do that, but find it surprising hard. I do try to exercise (walking) but haven't gotten back on track to before he died. I know understand more the importance of hugs, and appreciate those more. My muscles are sooo tight that I need to do a little yoga routine to try to loosen them up.
As cali stated - "treat yourself very kindly" - I get my nails done and go for a monthly massage.
As cali also said about sleeping ... I did get a rx for sleeping pills from my doctor. I took them regularly for about the first month and now only take them every now and then - it just depends on what's on my mind. (maybe a few times in a two week time.)
Like cali said, too - you can't do this alone.
A month or so after our son died, I started to talk to him while I was in the car. Kind of like when he was younger and when we were doing errands together. Sounds weird, maybe, but it works for me ... at this point.
I know what you mean about looking at pictures - looking at the photos of someone so full of life and then realizing he/she is gone. While it's hard to look at the photos and you can bet I cried more in the beginning when I looked at the photos, but in my opinion, crying is healing.
We do have a playlist we made for his visitation and I do listen to it often. Actually, often when I walk outdoors I listen to the playlist be/c then I feel like he is with me. Some afternoons on my day off from work when I was alone in the house, I'd play that playlist loud and perhaps a particular song really brought me to tears ... and SCREAMING at the top of my lungs! Thank goodness it is winter where I live and the windows were shut.
This took a few months, but I try to find a brief period of time each day when I can just reflect on him. I am not always successful setting this time aside, but I try.
To reiterate cmarie: "I wish I lived close to you. I would sit and breathe with you- listen to you speak your daughters name aloud, and be okay with your tears."
Mother of Perry Atkinson, Jr. 9/7/87-10/21/03