Lost my son Nicholas

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Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Apr 07, 2016 6:58 pm

Lost my son Nicholas

Post by Bonnie » Fri Apr 08, 2016 1:08 pm

Nicholas' father committed suicide when he was little so this has been my biggest fear that my sons would never get over it and follow in his footsteps. Nicholas, my oldest son, was never able to have a life. Even though he was 27, he still lived at home and I cared for him. It started with social anxiety and panic attacks which eventually led to such isolation that he developed paranoia and delusions. Fear pervaded his life. He suffered every day. I tried everything to help him. He even did ECT treatments as a last resort.

He finally hung himself one day. I was home and I heard a noise upstairs, but it just sounded like a door opening. I thought he was coming down to make coffee so I got up to go give him a hug and tell him I love him like I did every day, but he never came down the stairs. I thought maybe he'd just gone to the bathroom and I didn't go check on him. I always tried to let him sleep when he could. I sat back down not knowing my son was dying upstairs.

It is the worst feeling in the world to not be able to take away your child's pain. I miss Nicholas every day and I grieve for not just him but all the things he never had.

It has been 6 months now and it is tearing me apart all over again. I love my therapist and I go to grief groups, but I have a lot of time alone at home and I'd like other people to talk with that understand what I'm going through.

Thank you for letting me join you.

Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Nov 07, 2010 5:14 pm

Re: Lost my son Nicholas

Post by cali » Fri Apr 15, 2016 5:43 pm

Bonnie, I'm so sorry you lost your Nicholas. Welcome to the group. I lost my son over 5 years ago. He was 24. I know the feeling of not being able to take his pain away. I remember and others have said as well that at about 6 months it can get harder again... it seems the shock wears off a bit and the pain comes rushing in... I am not so active here these days, but please feel free to read and write as much as you want, and I hope you find some solace here.

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