lost my bro a month ago...and i am getting married in 2weeks

[brokensister27]

Hello everyone,

I lost my brother on April 23. The monday after spending my bachelorrette weekend party with all my girlfriends. My brother bought 2 tanks of helium planned everything perfectly from where to buy, the procedure and who would be in the house. i was on the other end of the line when my sister called me, she called me simply to ask where my bro was bec she needed him to babysit my niece for awhile...while searching the house, me and my sister were having a conversation on the phone....and then...i heard the most terrifying scream. My sister found him sitting on his computer chair, with a bag in his head, and a tube connecting it to two tanks of helium. My mind went blank...and the rest was a blur.

My brother Ervin has a good heart, a good soul. Never would he harm other more so, himself. Ever since we were young my lil brother has always been quiet with a sense of humor that will make you pee in seconds. he is the most caring individual i know, always giving and assisting my parents daily. He may not have friends other than his computer, but he has family and a new born niece that he adored so much. The whole family goes out for dinner or lunch once or twice a week...we all play tennis every weekend...and we constantly communicate and joke around even after me and my sister moved out and got our own apartment. We knew he was a loner and tried our best to encourage him to seek help, and helped him socialize and get involve with people, but everything was a joke to him. He showed us that he was content and happy cooking and managing homestay students who lives with them (mom,dad,ervin). LIttle did we know that behind that smile..is his sadness. We were all in shock. The day he killed himself, was the day we questioned our love for each other. My parents who lives with him were completely in denial and in shock. me and my sister were crying, and felt mentally drained.

Did he feel pressured facing the family for my upcoming wedding?...did he feel embarrassed that he doesnt hv a job?.did we ever make him feel useless?unloved?....wasnt my niece enough reason to live?....I question his love for us...and i will continue to wonder why?

I am getting married in two weeks. A destination wedding in the dominican. Our first family vacation!..we were all looking forward to it...its planned for a year.......i now understand why he refused to see me try my wedding dress on a month before....He knew exactly what he wanted to do.

I am very angry and sad....I think i am the saddest bride...i hate people giving me pity....the look and the voice they give me...knowing that what i am going through at the moment......i look forward to reading posts on this forum every night..it is unfortunate that our numbers are growing...yet it is very comforting to know that i am not alone.

[psyquestor]

(((brokensister))) I am so sorry that you have lost your brother Ervin to suicide. It will be difficult getting through the next few weeks. I hope, even in the midst of all this pain, your family has some happiness in the Dominion at your wedding.

[Crystl]

dear brokensister I'm so sorry you lost your precious brother
I am sending you huge cyber *HUGS* and best wishes for your upcoming wedding
I can only imagine how difficult these few coming weeks will be for you.
take care of yourself and remember to breathe, rest and drink/eat when you can.

[brokensister27]

Thank You everyone,
I framed a picture of him and will bring it to Punta Cana. I also brought his hat....cant bear the fact that the whole family is leaving without him....
...i am afraid to break down and cry while i walk down the aisle....i am afraid that my parents will feel greater pain, as we look at each other smile and
pretend that we are rejoicing the occasion....... is it normal, that sometimes i am numb, that i cry and cry, yet i dont feel the pain that i felt on that day...
....i am afraid of my heart...i am scared that i am not capable of compassion...or loving...im a robot bride.

[psyquestor]

Sadly, it is normal. Your mind is probably in a state of shock, as most of us were. As the months go by, you will feel less of this 'robot' feeling you're having now. On your wedding day, I'm sure there will be tears, but also some happy moments as you all rejoice in your new life. My wedding was two years after my son's passing and I still had a hard time with the day. You will be surrounded by your loved ones and this will help get everyone through.