Thanks Tammy for responding. I apologize for the delay. It is due to a mixture of not being ready to talk about it and because of other very tragic news in my life. It just keeps getting worse...but that's for later.
Jerry and I met at work last year. It was just one of those rare moments in life were we were both sure we were meant to be in each others lives forever. Things were great and we became close quickly. I eventually realized, mentally there was something wrong or strange. He had not been diagnosed with mental illness but I became certain he was a paranoid schitzophrenic. He was just so darn smart, though, he could hide it many times and still hold down a high paying job as general counsel of a large corporation. But the signs were htere and I sought help from some doctor friends. I also discussed my concerns with his sister (without his knowledge).
I tried to get him to a doctor or hospital everyway I could think of...to no avail. The saddest moment in my life was in his living room, he showed me a post it note that said..."I know Michelle loves me and I can trust her, but I am afraid I will become paranoid even about her...when I do...show me this note." He gave it to me ans had a copy for himself. Then he told me he knew he was paranoid schitzophrenic, but that he did not think medication would help him with out making him stupid. I begged him to go see some one and discuss options...to no avail.
Sometimes he would get better, sometimes worse. Fast forward through many turbulent times when I was essentially the only person in the world he was honest with...he lost his job in February. They thought he was on drugs. They first offered to send him to treatment and he agreed (he preferred to be considered an addict, than mentally ill). I was secretly happy that he would be forced to go...but then they just decided to fire him. That is what makes me so angry.
He was spiralling out of control for about 3 weeks. Calling, texting and acting frantically with me multiple times a day. One night he sent a text saying "I'm Awesome. I almost flew!" I told him I wasn't sure what that meant but to be careful and that I'd love him forever. The next morning his sister called to tell me he had "flown" off his 9th floor balcony early that morning.
His family is far away and couldn't deal with everything. I packed up his apartment. I shipped everything that I couldn't carry on the plane and headed up there for the funeral. It's still a blur. Since I've been back, I had to get his personal effects from the police...and deal with other paperwork. I'm glad I can spare his family...but it's just a lot for me. He was my rock and even though it was a rollercoaster relationship...I just can't handle the fact that he's gone. we talked 10 times a day...now nothing.
I keep thinking it will get better, but I'm convinced it's geting worse...with thte complication that my exhusband has end stage cancer in his bone marrow, pancreas, prostate and spine. Just diagnosed a month ago with a very very poor prognosis.
I know this is all a lot and I thank anyone who took the time to read it. I look forward to learning more about and from everyone here...I just wish this board didn't have to exist...but I'm sure glad it does.