Hole in my life. Hole in my heart.

[StunnedinTexas]

My best friend and soulmate flew off his 9th floor balcony on March 14, 2012. His last text to my was "I'm awesome...I almost flew!". He had been dealing with untreated schizophrenia. He had lost his high paying job and was hopeless and suffering from delusions. I came so close to getting him to a psych hospital the week before but he refused at the last moment. I truly know he knew I never gave up on him and loved him unconditionally. It just wasn't enough. He made me a better person.

I hurt so much and miss him so much I can't even think or imagine moving past this. I'm paralyzed in this space. His family lives far away so I was left dealing with packing up his stuff, meeting with police, taking his personal effects back to them.

I'm still stunned.

StunnedinTexas

[psyquestor]

Dear Stunned, I am very sorry that you have lost your friend to suicide. Can you tell us about him? How long had his schizophrenia been untreated and how long had you known him?

We are a large group of people who have lost friends and loved ones to suicide. Although each of us is as unique as the person we lost, you will find many here with a similar loss as your own. My name is Tammy and my son Brian died by suicide in 2008. At first I didn't think I was going to survive losing him, but here I am three years later. This group has helped me to cope with the unimaginable. I hope you find comfort here as well.

[StunnedinTexas]

Thanks Tammy for responding. I apologize for the delay. It is due to a mixture of not being ready to talk about it and because of other very tragic news in my life. It just keeps getting worse...but that's for later.

Jerry and I met at work last year. It was just one of those rare moments in life were we were both sure we were meant to be in each others lives forever. Things were great and we became close quickly. I eventually realized, mentally there was something wrong or strange. He had not been diagnosed with mental illness but I became certain he was a paranoid schitzophrenic. He was just so darn smart, though, he could hide it many times and still hold down a high paying job as general counsel of a large corporation. But the signs were htere and I sought help from some doctor friends. I also discussed my concerns with his sister (without his knowledge).

I tried to get him to a doctor or hospital everyway I could think of...to no avail. The saddest moment in my life was in his living room, he showed me a post it note that said..."I know Michelle loves me and I can trust her, but I am afraid I will become paranoid even about her...when I do...show me this note." He gave it to me ans had a copy for himself. Then he told me he knew he was paranoid schitzophrenic, but that he did not think medication would help him with out making him stupid. I begged him to go see some one and discuss options...to no avail.

Sometimes he would get better, sometimes worse. Fast forward through many turbulent times when I was essentially the only person in the world he was honest with...he lost his job in February. They thought he was on drugs. They first offered to send him to treatment and he agreed (he preferred to be considered an addict, than mentally ill). I was secretly happy that he would be forced to go...but then they just decided to fire him. That is what makes me so angry.

He was spiralling out of control for about 3 weeks. Calling, texting and acting frantically with me multiple times a day. One night he sent a text saying "I'm Awesome. I almost flew!" I told him I wasn't sure what that meant but to be careful and that I'd love him forever. The next morning his sister called to tell me he had "flown" off his 9th floor balcony early that morning.

His family is far away and couldn't deal with everything. I packed up his apartment. I shipped everything that I couldn't carry on the plane and headed up there for the funeral. It's still a blur. Since I've been back, I had to get his personal effects from the police...and deal with other paperwork. I'm glad I can spare his family...but it's just a lot for me. He was my rock and even though it was a rollercoaster relationship...I just can't handle the fact that he's gone. we talked 10 times a day...now nothing.

I keep thinking it will get better, but I'm convinced it's geting worse...with thte complication that my exhusband has end stage cancer in his bone marrow, pancreas, prostate and spine. Just diagnosed a month ago with a very very poor prognosis.

I know this is all a lot and I thank anyone who took the time to read it. I look forward to learning more about and from everyone here...I just wish this board didn't have to exist...but I'm sure glad it does.

Michelle

[Karyl]

Michelle,

I'm so sorry that your best friend and soul mate is gone. I've heard that people with schizophrenia die two deaths, once then they get the disease, and once again when their bodies finally reach the end of life.

It's wonderful that you were able to see the 'real' friend underneath his struggles, and that he knew you would be there for him. He was lucky to have you in his life.

[psyquestor]

(((Michelle))) Thank you for sharing Jerry's story with us. I'm so very sorry. I know there are a few others here who have lost someone they loved who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. God bless those who have suffered with this disorder! I'm sorry that he would not consider treatment options. I know how frustrated you must have felt, watching him grow progressively worse. I too tried to get my son help with his depression, but was unable to get it in time to save him.

I'm glad he had you as a friend Michelle, someone he could confide in and share his fears with. I wish all of us had such a loving friend as you.

How are you doing? Are you still working at the same place you met Jerry?