Trying to cope

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Trying to cope

Postby EmandJosh » Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:13 am

Hi everyone, my names Emma, I'm from the uk and I lost the love of my life to suicide 3 months ago. I had been with josh for 8months, and although it doesn't seem a long time we were so happy, we had everything planned and were planning to move in together by the end of this year. Josh had a steady job, no financial problems and got on really well with all his family and friends, everybody loved him. He had no sign of depression at all and he was the happiest person you could ever wish to meet. Everybody said it was the happiest they had ever seen him in the 8months we were together. Even 2nights before we lost him he told me he didn't think it was possible to love somebody as much as this. So as you can imagine it was the worst shock imaginable when my parents met me at work to tell me josh had killed himself by hanging when he was at work on new years eve of 2011. When I look back now I don't know how we got through that first couple of weeks, but everyday is a new challenge and often the despair of being without him just seems too much to cope with. I certainly wouldn't have been able to cope if it wasn't for the support of my family and his family and our wonderful friends. We were both 23 when this happened. Iv joined this forum as its so hard for normal people to comprehend the pain thats associated with losing someone in this way and everybody seems so supportive, thankyou for reading!
EmandJosh
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Re: Trying to cope

Postby psyquestor » Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:39 am

I'm sorry for the loss that brings you here and hope you find some comfort on this forum. There are many here who have been through a similar loss, though each of us is as unique as the person we lost.
Tammy
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

Hold On, Pain Ends
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Re: Trying to cope

Postby anangelnamedjordan » Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:03 pm

So sorry to hear that you lost your love one! Even though is was only 8 mths that doesn't change the way you had loved him and all of the special moments the two of you had shared together.
Suicide leaves us with many unanswered questions and unbearable pain, but you have came to the right site. We will never be able to take the pain you are feeling away, but all of us on this site will truly be able to understand.
I am glad to hear that you have a strong support group. Let them take care of you and try to live only in the moment until you are strong enough to get to the hour by hour stage, etc. past year
I lost my 17 yr old son 4/24/11 and I can honestly say that my life has changed so much since that day. I honestly don't know how I made it through this past year. Not sure if you believe in God or not and I in no way am I trying to push my belief onto you, but I feel that God has been carrying me for this past year, and will continue to carry me until I am strong enough to stand on my own.
Try to find a Suicide Support Group in your area or therapist who you can talk too. And most of all please be gentle with yourself! There is not a thing you could of have did to save him, so please don't blame yourself.

Take Care and my hugs go out to you!!!
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Re: Trying to cope

Postby shanesgirl » Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:04 pm

Hi Emma
I know some of the pain you are feeling. I lost my fiancee on the same night, he too hung himself. He was suffering some depression though but it was still a massive shock as we had made plans into the new year and he was certainly having a great night on new years eve. It is just so hard to compehend why he did what he did especially when 2012 was going to be a good year for us (we were getting married in October this year). I think cancelling the wedding plans was one of the hardest things I've done since his death. The shock has finally worn off and that empty feeling has sunk in. I have good days and bad days and just take every day as it comes. I find the hardest and lonlinest time is lying in bed at night knowing he will never lie next to me again. I wasn't there when he died but had seen him earlier that night, not that I would have changed anything I said to hime when we said goodbye, I just wish I knew that last kiss we had would have been the last one. He sent me a text saying he loved me just before he took his life which I treasure but part of me wishes I had of picked up the phone and rung him. It just wasn't unusal for him to do that.
I've been going to counselling which has helped and my friends and family have been amazing. Unfortunately his family haven't beeen that way and are fighting me for part of his estate (he didn't leave a will) which makes a hard situation worse.
I wish you all the best and please know you're not alone
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Re: Trying to cope

Postby EmandJosh » Tue May 01, 2012 7:19 am

Thankyou all for your replies, it really helps to know that there are people who understand out there.
Shanesgirl, I've been able to relate so much to everything you say, almost everything seems very similar. I too have a lovely last memory of Josh and also had a similar text saying 'I love you so so much' that morning but similar to you I used to recieve things like that very often from him and so didnt panic at the time.
I also find nightimes the worst, they just feel so empty and the loneliness is almost unbearable, I often wake up convinced he's lying next to me. Im so sorry to hear that his family hasnt been as supportive to you, for Josh's family see me as a link to him and vice versa which helps us all feel closer to him. I too found counselling helped, and it really is just one day at a time. The times when I struggle the most is when everything just feels so unreal, how could we go from being so unbelievably happy and in love one minute to just the most agonising pain the next? I really hope you're finding peace, the only piece of advice through all of this that i have really taken on board is to be kind to yourself, if you would like to talk privately then let me know and i will send you my email, wishing you all the best x
EmandJosh
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