So I'm writing on here because I don't know where to turn or what's going on really, I am in shock...
Ever since I can remember, my mom has wanted to die... single mom of three girls, me being the youngest... her first born passed away at 14 from cancer, her middle daughter left her to lead a life of drugs and bad behavior..... and then there was me... my mom and I were sooo close.
I always would be paranoid she would leave me one day. When I was 18, I decided to move out and make a life for myself. I loved my mom but needed to become an adult and be around healthy thinking. My mom had mental problems not too bad back then, just very scared of everything and I didnt want to be around it. So I moved out.
From 18-21, my mom called me EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, ALL THE TIME, just to make sure i was okay and to tell me she loved me. I used to get so angry and not understand why she did it... but now I miss it... I miss not having my phone ring from her, I miss it so much....
I moved out of State so visiting my mom often wasn't possible. I am young, didn't have a good job, and trying to pay rent and feed myself was always a challenge. My mom was a poor woman so she couldn't help me financially either.
During year 21, my mom stopped calling. Next thing I know, she would call me and say people were after her and I could tell that her mental stability was getting worse by day. I hadn't seen my mom in a year and lost contact from her for 3 months, so I decided to hop on an 18 hour train and visit her on December 24th 2011, not knowing if she was okay.
I showed up at her house, knocked on the door prayering she would answer. She did. And it was the most shocking, saddest day of my life. The once beautiful woman I knew was a tiny, sick, short haired, frail woman. Looking at her further, I noticed she had scars on her wrist from cutting, DEEP scars, and on her tummy. She had no food in the fridge and the house was tapped up and locked down. When she saw me, it was as if she hadn't seen another human in years. I can't explain it.
She started screaming that people are following her and out to get her. I yelled at her and said no one is, it's all in your mind. I stayed with her for 5 days. One night, I was in my room and realized that my mom hadn't called my name in a while, so I went around our house to find her.
I go to her bedroom and her wrists are sliced open, blood everywhere and prescription medication bottles near her. I started to scream and wrapped her wrist. I was too afraid to call the cops. I didn't want my mom's freedom taken from her. GOD, I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I would have gotten the State involved. After that night, I told her I needed to leave and I bought her a cell phone to stay in contact with me. She promised she would and I left her there alone. I talked to her the next few days, but next thing I know, her phone was disconnected again. I figured she was just having a episode.
It had been a little over a month as of this past Friday since I spoke to or saw her, so I called her apartment complex and asked them if my mom had paid Feb rent? They said that she was 10 days past due. My mom is 52 and has never been late on rent. So I called the cops and asked for a wellfare check. The cops went, knocked on the door of her apt, but she didn't answer. They called me to say they needed more cause to enter the apt, and that they would call me back tomorrow with more details. So I figured something bad had happened and I would just wait til tomorrow.
Well, at 10pm later that night, I got a call from the medical examiner saying the fire dept broke down my mom's door and found her barricaded in her bedroom, dead.... she had commited suicide.
I am not sure how I am supposed to deal with this. It has been 72 hrs since i found out. I am so lost. I am only 22. I have no other family and I don't know where to begin. How long will this hurt? I am a State away and it's so hard to figure out my next steps. Me and my mom were twins, we were so close, I was all she had. If I would have stayed with her, nothing would have happened. I can't deal with it .... I am trying ... but it's hard... it's hard to think I am all alone now .... I will never hear her voice again or smell her scent ....
Any positive words or advice would be appreciated.