Mom committed suicide Found her 3 days ago

[lostforwords]

So I'm writing on here because I don't know where to turn or what's going on really, I am in shock...

Ever since I can remember, my mom has wanted to die... single mom of three girls, me being the youngest... her first born passed away at 14 from cancer, her middle daughter left her to lead a life of drugs and bad behavior..... and then there was me... my mom and I were sooo close.

I always would be paranoid she would leave me one day. When I was 18, I decided to move out and make a life for myself. I loved my mom but needed to become an adult and be around healthy thinking. My mom had mental problems not too bad back then, just very scared of everything and I didnt want to be around it. So I moved out.

From 18-21, my mom called me EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, ALL THE TIME, just to make sure i was okay and to tell me she loved me. I used to get so angry and not understand why she did it... but now I miss it... I miss not having my phone ring from her, I miss it so much....

I moved out of State so visiting my mom often wasn't possible. I am young, didn't have a good job, and trying to pay rent and feed myself was always a challenge. My mom was a poor woman so she couldn't help me financially either.

During year 21, my mom stopped calling. Next thing I know, she would call me and say people were after her and I could tell that her mental stability was getting worse by day. I hadn't seen my mom in a year and lost contact from her for 3 months, so I decided to hop on an 18 hour train and visit her on December 24th 2011, not knowing if she was okay.

I showed up at her house, knocked on the door prayering she would answer. She did. And it was the most shocking, saddest day of my life. The once beautiful woman I knew was a tiny, sick, short haired, frail woman. Looking at her further, I noticed she had scars on her wrist from cutting, DEEP scars, and on her tummy. She had no food in the fridge and the house was tapped up and locked down. When she saw me, it was as if she hadn't seen another human in years. I can't explain it.

She started screaming that people are following her and out to get her. I yelled at her and said no one is, it's all in your mind. I stayed with her for 5 days. One night, I was in my room and realized that my mom hadn't called my name in a while, so I went around our house to find her.

I go to her bedroom and her wrists are sliced open, blood everywhere and prescription medication bottles near her. I started to scream and wrapped her wrist. I was too afraid to call the cops. I didn't want my mom's freedom taken from her. GOD, I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I would have gotten the State involved. After that night, I told her I needed to leave and I bought her a cell phone to stay in contact with me. She promised she would and I left her there alone. I talked to her the next few days, but next thing I know, her phone was disconnected again. I figured she was just having a episode.

It had been a little over a month as of this past Friday since I spoke to or saw her, so I called her apartment complex and asked them if my mom had paid Feb rent? They said that she was 10 days past due. My mom is 52 and has never been late on rent. So I called the cops and asked for a wellfare check. The cops went, knocked on the door of her apt, but she didn't answer. They called me to say they needed more cause to enter the apt, and that they would call me back tomorrow with more details. So I figured something bad had happened and I would just wait til tomorrow.

Well, at 10pm later that night, I got a call from the medical examiner saying the fire dept broke down my mom's door and found her barricaded in her bedroom, dead.... she had commited suicide.

I am not sure how I am supposed to deal with this. It has been 72 hrs since i found out. I am so lost. I am only 22. I have no other family and I don't know where to begin. How long will this hurt? I am a State away and it's so hard to figure out my next steps. Me and my mom were twins, we were so close, I was all she had. If I would have stayed with her, nothing would have happened. I can't deal with it .... I am trying ... but it's hard... it's hard to think I am all alone now .... I will never hear her voice again or smell her scent ....

Any positive words or advice would be appreciated.

[insearchofpeace]

((hugs)) to you lostforwords...I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom... I truly am almost lost for words myself after reading your story...and I wish I had some good advice for you, but your situation is so complicated sweetie...I hope somehow, someway, some solutions present themselves to you as to how to proceed the next few days, weeks ahead. I lost my Dad to suicide last April - and it's a tough journey. Make sure you take care of yourself right now - that is the most important thing, it really is. Drink lots of water, let the tears come as they may, and rest as often as you can....this grief can be unbearably exhausting in the beginning. I hope you have had some support from the authorities in your Mom's town to assist you with how to proceed with the legalities and complications that are inherent in your situation...I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel right now. Remember to *breathe*. This forum is a wonderful and safe place to share any thoughts you may have and it is filled with compassionate and supportive souls who truly understand the confusion and isolation left behind by suicide. Thinking of you and wishing you peace....x

[Blossom]

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear mum. I am very touched to hear of how deep your love for each other was....it still is.

I don't think that there is one person here who hasn't sought some help to survive the pain of this terrible loss - please, please, make some contact with a support service. I know you feel overwhelmed and probably cannot get beyond the pain to do this....is there someone you know who might organise this for you?

These strong and wild feelings of love, pain and loss are normal.Please read the posts here when you can....it helps to understand those feelings, if not lessen them in this early loss. And you will know that this is a place where you are understood.

Please take care....please find someone to be with some of the time and talk to. My heart goes out to you.

[01012011]

God-words escape me...I can't say anything but I am so sorry...the pain you must feel...the loss...the shock..just know my heart is thinking of you...my pain is your pain...my love for my loss is your love for your loss...we are here for you. I would not have survived but for this forum...

[anangelnamedjordan]

It took my 19 year old son to make me realize that asking "WHY" or "WHAT IF" a million times would Not change the outcome of losing my 17 year old to suicide 4/24/11.

Trust me ... it is so easy to replay the whole event over and over again in your head, blaming yourself, and thinking if you would have only ....

So here I am coming up on 10 mths being a Suicide Survivor and there is not an hour that goes by that my son is not in my thoughts. I miss him so much!

But hon, the more I have been getting involved with different Suicide Prevention Groups and doing research (which helps me feel like I am turning what was meant to harm me into something productive and hopefully can help others) I am coming to realize that when a person get into a certain suicidal state (which is where your mother seem to be) there is really not much we or anybody else can do too stop our love ones from completing what they have all along intended to do.

You cannot blame yourself!!!! You are a child, that has had a lot of hard knocks along the way. You seem to love you mother very much, and I am sure her sickness/depression has caused you a lot of stress. Yet, you still continue to try and take care of her. That to me is a loving daughter! As I am sure she loves you and would never want you to carry the guilt of her decision to end her pain.

So hon, only try to live minute by minute, until you are able to get to the hour by hour, etc. Check your local area for a Suicide Support Group, and check with your local hospital to see if there is any free services (or very low pymt) that can give you one on one therapy to help you through some of the pain you will be feeling.

Also know that this Support Group is a big help as well. Seeing that we can say anything that we truly feel and do not have to worry about being judged. Friends will try to help the best they can, but losing someone to suicide it totally different from a "normal" death.

This site is not a place any of ever expected to be on, but here we are. And we all understand how sad and alone you feel. But we are here for you, and by reading other post you will see people from all different years that have in "being a survivor" so as hard as it is to see today, we can hold onto the hope that it will get better.

May God Carry You and show you his unfailing love for you ...

[tmsharpe]

I am so sorry that u r going through this. It is so difficult when someone you love is taken by mental illness. I pray that you fi
nd peace. Tina

[01012011]

Nothing changes-the pain, the grief, the sadness.You just learn to put it somewhere you never thought existed. I personally have not found peace and I don't presume to do so. My life is not the same and I am learning to deal with my emotions...I have to to survive. I had a good week until my mother said she was crying this morning because it was raining and she was sad-devastated is a better word. It made me sad and it made me angry. I am trying to deal with my emotions tonight...I apologize to all of you in advance but I am not so positive tonight. I don't even want to come here anymore. Nothing helps...hoping time does heal...hoping it helps take this pain away to a dull throb. It bwas a dull throb this week and now I feel guilty I didn't cry this week. I loved Chris so much and no amount of crying, writing, meds, or counseling will take this away...I have come to that realization and so I know this is what I must do..be strong and concentrate on only positive. I can't do negative...too much emotion involved...going to become a unic...spelling may not be right...but burying the emotion...only way I can and will survive this. Sorry if I have offended anyone-

[lostforwords]

So here is a little update of the hell ive been going through since i found out my mom had passed away last week... i reached out to some family i hadnt talked to in awhile... my mom was so scared of everyone so she told me never to talk to any of our family memebers but now with her passing i had no choice to reach out not only to give them the news but for myself as well i need support... i called my moms sister (my aunt) and its been a blessing her and my mom use to be so close but my mom got scared and just cut my aunt out of her life.... 2 days after i called my aunt sheflew me out to the state my mom passed away and im still here finishing up everything that i need to for my mom... my estranged sister also got contacted and i regret it (i'll mention more about that later)

So from the moment I got off the plane i got picked up by my aunt and my half sister i havent seen since i was 10... we went straight to the cornors office.... where i find out my mom was passed away in her apt for a month her body had decomposed and we werent allowed to look at her... knowing my mom was in such a hideous state tears me apart..... then from there we went to the funeral home were my moms estranged parents had paid for everything (it was nice and sad at the same time... seeing them finally helping there daughter only after she passed away)

next we went to my moms apartment... I can't get the image out of my head when i walked up to her apt door and saw the door frame busted and a new lock because they broke down the door... as soon as i opened the door it was a overwhelming smell of someone who had passed away i describe it as iron or metal rotting stale blood smell.... my heart was crushed and my mind damamged as i walked thru the house and saw it so normal and finally i got to her room where behind the door (where she was found) blood stain was there deep into the carpet i cant get the image out of my mind.... im dying inside thinking about it.... its been a rough couple days... there is so much more to say but im unable to type and say it all...

so tonight my "sister" is saying how i never loved my mom and how im only here to get her money and stuff then leave... my mom was a poor woman im not here for her stuff.... my sister moved out in her early teens right after my moms first born passed away she hurt my mom... im the one to lived with my mom stayed with my mom and even cared enough when i wasnt in town to call and make sure she paid her rent every month... my "sister" never did that.... shes mad because my mom wrote a note leaving ME some money couple hundred dollars a month from her survivors benefits at her old work and left me her old 1992 car... im my moms youngest my sister is 6 months from 30 i just turned 22... im my moms youngest her biggest fear was me not being "okay" and stable in life.... i cant believe "my sister" would say such hideous things to me... she says my lack of emotion is disturbing .... but what she doesnt understand i need to stay strong right now i need to keep it together because if i cry and focus on everything i can gaurantee that will end me up like my mother... im very suicidal i just want to be with her i just wanna be with my mom again and smell her smell....... i dont need that so called "sister" of mine trying to push me over the edge...

today was so hard for me i went to my moms apartment alone to see if i could salvage anything.... and its so hard to walk around that house where me and my mom once lived and look at the fridgerator she the meal leftovers we ate back in december its horrible... and the smell doesnt bother me cause it has to do with my mommy but seeing the blood stain and her body outline because of the blood and smelling it and just sitting where she use to sit on the couch and realizing this is the last time ill ever sit on this couch every hold my moms pillow ever see our possessions we had... its was tramautic .... as i went thru the house i finally got to my room only to realize everything had a deep distinct scent in it everything ive had since my early teen years was in the house and to narrow everything down and all my possessions and my moms possessions to one plastic bag (that i shouldnt even have taken because it smelled as well) killed me.... to look at my things and my stuffed animals and my moms pillows and sentimental things not even including the furntiture my mom had .... to know on tuesday men in hazmat suits are going to go in and trash all those sweet possessions.... KILLS ME so much pain i cant deal... the funeral is this coming thursday and i just need it to come so my mommy can be put to rest and i can go back home i need to go back home to much pain to much sorrow im suffering so much inside and trying to not show it.......

i needed to write on here to vent ... and talk i needed a place to go sorry if it was long i just have so much to say and so much more to say... i appreciate all the sweet replies honestly thats what keeps me going each day the support is so important i cant stress that enough

God bless you all

[suepred]

Dear one nothing I can sa will ease your pain, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Perhaps you need to show your emotions to your family. Ther is no accounting for other peoples behavior. Just know no one can hurt you unless you let them. Try to turn the other cheek and know your Mom suffers no more. I to long for that famililar smell of my husband. I keep one of his baseball caps in a plastic bag and pull it out once in a while and inhale deep, and sigh. God bless you in your journey take good care of yourself. Try and sleep drinklots of water and know ther are many people here whounderstand and know your pain. Peace suepred.

[TimsMom]

You poor sweet child, how awful you are having to go through this. Your mother was ill and you were the only flower in her world of thorns. Know that your love for her is probably the only thing that kept her here as long as she was. Praise yourself for all the loving things you did for her and remember the good times you helped provide for her.
I have big loving arms around you holding you tight.