2 years its been...

[Snf]

Hi nomigomi, my partner had lunch with her older sister and went home saying she was just going to do a few things and go back. Instead she hung herself and that was after chatting to our neighbour and sending a normal text message to the neighbour and phoning a friend to cancel a dinner arrangement that night. She was found by her other older sister. We all know why she thought she had to do it, I had left a few weeks earlier and she was convinced she could not live without me and that's what the note said.

We all wonder what the final trigger point was, I've even wondered if it was something stupid like the printer not working properly but no matter what the Inquest says when they finally get round to finishing it, we will never know when she made the decision to do it only that it was must have been at least an hour or 2 before. In the final moments, she was so clearly far away from normal rational thinking that anything could have been going through her head. There are many places in this forum that reference the concept of 'searching' and spending forever wondering about things that are impossible to know, this is a common subject of other suicide bereavement books I have read. Based on all that I am desperately trying to steer my brain away from that as I don't have the energy to deal with grief, guilt that I couldn't help my partner earlier before she even got to that stage, and the shock of it all as its still as its only been 4 weeks.

As someone else said to me on here, I'm sorry for your loss, in your case awful, horrendous losses, but you're still here and they have a point.

Hopefully you will find some help on here that's better than mine I'm pretty new to this myself so I hope this is not a complete load of crap.

Take care of yourself.

[nomigomi]

thanks snf, sorry for not responding earlier (swamped with work).

i'm just trying to get by day by day. it just feels like things are doomed for me at this point... what a cruel world.

[psyquestor]

nomigami, I haven't seen the Bridge - can you tell us a little about it and about yourself?

For me it has been nearly three years. It has been a struggle, but this year the weight isn't as hard to bare as the past two. Grief is hard work and takes a lot of time and energy. Please be kind to yourself.

[ZachsBigSister]

Nomigomi,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I'm new to this forum, but not new to our unique group. I lost my brother to suicide by gun 5 years ago this month. We were so very close, and could tell each other anything. But he didn't tell me how much pain he was in, how much this illness had changed him, tortured him, and brought him to what he did. You can drive yourself crazy with the 'what ifs'. I did it for a long time, going over the week leading up to his death, looking for signs I must have missed. But there were none. He hid it from our family and friends. You have to be kind to yourself (as the others have mentioned). The guilt is normal, the anger is normal, the sadness and grief are normal. You just have to ride its waves and keep fighting the tide. There will eventually be more good days than bad, you just have to keep hanging on for them.

Please take care, and sending cyberhugs your way.

[nomigomi]

thanks psyquestor and zachs, appreciate the response.

the bridge is a movie about those who committed suicide at the golden gate bridge (#1 place for people to commit suicide). the video is about an hr long and is found online for free. i found it to be very interesting...

[kathleenmarie]

don't give up... you are not alone. hugs.

[nomigomi]

i feel like im trapped

[cali]

Nomigomi, I have not watched "The Bridge", but my son did. he died of suicide a few months later. He was very disturbed by the movie, and also very disturbed that his "friends" insisted he watch it. So am I. Please don't watch it, if you haven't already. I would not recommend it to anyone who is depressed or suicidal, based on what I've heard about it.
Is there a survivor's support group in your area? Groups can be very helpful, if you are able to find one, I would encourage you to go.
thinking of you and sending support,
cali

[nomigomi]

i did watch it, and i can relate. what a cruel world.

[cali]

Didn't realize there was another page, sometimes I respond at the bottom of the first without seeing there is a second one, so I hadn't seen that you had already watched that movie. National Suicide Survivor's day is coming up, I believe on Nov. 19. You can do a search, and find videos of it from former years. It might be helpful. Some cities host meetings to watch the video together and have some activities and a chance to talk to other survivors as well. "Out of the Nightmare, Recovery from Depression and Suicidal Pain" by David L. Conroy, is a book written by a survivor who's been there, and it's I think one of the best out there, not only in helping one to understand all the things that come into play and lead to suicide and how to help yourself if you are a survivor, but also what can be done to find the way back out, to be able to help yourself and others, if you find yourself suicidal or in contact with another suicidal person.
Again, I would encourage you to look for an SOS or other group to help you deal with your grief and loss. It is good to be around people who understand how hard this is. Keep coming here too. We do understand.((((( hugs))))), cali