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- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:19 am
My son, Loren was the baby of my six children. Loren was an accomplished musican (sp) , an cum laud grad of engn. A master of computer science degree. He was taking the prescribed med of zyloft and hung himself at age 44. My daughter=in=law held a service for Loren on my birthday. They lived out of state and I am not able to travel. My two sons and two daughters went to where he died. He died on a Sat and they arrived on the next day. I called and made arrangements for his body to be viewed before cremation. My sons wanted to see him. We paid the expenses. I had a small urn of ashes sent to me. We had a niche and in July myself and other 5 children put him to rest. It was very difficult for me to talk to the cemetery and I was trying to include everyone's schedule. Everyone lives in another state. My one daughter-in-law called and told me that she didn't want too much sadness as they were over it and she wanted to plan a fun thing for everyone. I told her my son died and she had not right to tell me how to grieve. My son's widow made plans to drive with her dog and daughter with no thought of how I was to do for them. The daughters-in-law had made these plans without my knowledge. I was told what was going to be. The date of the interment was on a day that was convenient for my daughter as she was going to be in town for a wedding. There is more, but I finally just got overloaded with other peoples plans. I said I just wanted a private time with my remaining 5 children. I guess I'm on good terms with Loren's widow, but now my two daughters are very angry with me and one even sent me a hate e-mail. She also took pictures at the cemetery and put them on facebook after we asked her not to.
Judging me to be a mean person etc. I'm trying to just get up in the morning and be a kind person. I felt attacked. I made a cd if Loren's life put the music of The Prayer of St Francis with it. Loren always was a kind, loving person and only wanted
people to be peaceful. Loren told me when he was 4 yrs old he would always be with me. I feel he is in spirit. I think my daughters feel they can be angry at me and I'll still love them. I do love them, but their disrespect of me as a person leaves a lot to be desired. Thanks for letting me get this off my heart.
- Posts: 672
- Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:09 am
((((grankate)))) I am so sorry that you have lost your dear Loren. My name is Tammy and I lost my son Brian to suicide in 2008. He also hung himself. It has been a long journey to get where I am now, nearly four years later. When my son passed there were also disagreements about the funeral. Brian passed three days shy of his 22nd birthday and his Dad had taken time off from work to come be with his son while he was in the hospital and then for the funeral. He wanted to bury our son on his birthdayy, so he could get back to work. This was something I could not agree to - would not. He gave way with this, but I will never forget how it felt to hear him say those words. So very hurtful to hear that he just wanted to get on with his life and that the ceremony meant so little to him - that our son's birthday meant so little. Others also had thoughts for how the day should proceed. I came to realize that we were all hurting and no one of us was hurting in the same way. We will all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way or time schedule to follow. I tried my best to incorporate all of their thoughts in to the ceremony. It was so hard to do.
I hope your daughters will come around. All we can do as parents is be there for them. We can't do their grieving for them any more than they can do ours for us. What they are going through now may be due to the trauma of losing their beloved brother and they may reach out to you when they are ready. I'm so sorry you felt attacked ((((hugs)))).
Proud Army Mom
I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:19 am
Thank you for your input. I had come to the same conclusion. Grief is an individual experience.
Writing in this group helps me to put things in perspective. Loren passed on November 5, 2011 so it was some months before the interment. Too much time for things to happen. I felt everyone was expecting me to make things ok and I couldn't, but I know we all loved Loren and still remember him no matter how painful. Loren's Mom, Karen