Do we ever let go?

A discussion of any suicide issue or grief topic that don't fit elsewhere.

Do we ever let go?

Postby Moun10dew » Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:33 pm

I'm wondering...I know I'm a long way away but do we as suicide survivers ever let go? Do we ever truly release our departed? What does it take? Do I need to put away their belongings? Do I need to change my Facebook status to single? Do I need to remove her from my Facebook page? Do I need to stop posting to the blog I created? What do I as a living person need to do to release her? I've had death in the family but normally I move on with my life in a few weeks after the funeral. This isn't the case here. I'm just wondering from those that have been dealing for a long time. What exactly constitutes releasing someone when it comes to suicide?
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Re: Do we ever let go?

Postby Moun10dew » Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:46 pm

Sorry about the duplicate posting. Phone hiccup.
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Re: Do we ever let go?

Postby Blossom » Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:21 pm

Mountaindew...you have asked a question that we have all asked ourselves. Everyday the question feels a little different, concerning both practical and heart spheres. I wish I could give you a guide or steps to follow, but I can't. Neither do I want to leave you suspended without support. You really have asked a very good question. I am hoping that the people here will add their experiences. They will all be different because we are all different....but we can share what has rung true for each of us and recognise it in each other and respect that.

Some people have formal milestones/releases - memorial gatherings, church services, a bunch of friends at a special place for dedication (eg. a nature setting). For others, it happens in the middle of the night - a wakeful moment where 'something' has passed through them...perhaps recognised as a kind of release. And everything in between is the vast spectrum of our grief. And it is all right and at the right time it is alright - even at the wrong time, it is alright. Sometimes it isn't...it's a bit hard to jag sometimes. I want you to know that whatever steps you take, be they planned or bestowed by time or the unique percolation of grief, there is no right way or wrong way...or right thing to do or wrong thing to do. I have had a dose of just about everything across that spectrum in the (nearly) three years since our son passed away. Mountaindew, I have survived and I want you to know that you will too.

As for practicalities that reflect us...the facebook status etc. only you will know....but it's hard in early grief especially, to find that surety when you feel so broken - that's why it helps to chat here and also to (dare I say?) see a counsellor or somebody with very good counselling skills (sometimes a friend can be that person).

I hesitate here....I feel like I am looking from so far away....from nearly three years away...and I worry that I am not connected to the place of early grief you are in, that I may sound like I am giving advice. However, I'll risk it. Please never stop writing on your blog or here or privately or whatever. If writing is your thing, then it offers a unique outlet....let sleep digest and resolve those pourings and each day will be a little different. It is a valuable channel in grief - I always come back to it, myself. It is not always sad Mountaindew...but there is sadness in release too, as well as a lightness.

I'll start the ball rolling and hope that some people here will add moments, be they intentions or unexpected, as examples of how they experienced 'release'.

* A long time ago, a few months after my son died, I was walking down the street and saw a pizza box on the ground. I picked it up and put it in a bin. That unremarkable act was my very first connection back to the world outside. Very small, but very much a 'release'. Yeah, big for me, but a case of 'what the..?' for another.

* I tried to organise a formal dedication of my son's ashes (half of them that we have), but when I looked in the box, it made me so happy (I made those bones!!!)- I felt the world heave...and I can't part with them. They just make me happy. This same thing would make someone else horrified.

Maybe some peoplel here will share their experiences? (I'm not a great example, airy fairy and all that).
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
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Re: Do we ever let go?

Postby cali » Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:26 am

This is not really about release, but it was a stopping of avoidance, when I too touched my son's bone and went outside and felt exactly that, the world heave. It felt very real, and very much the right feeling in that moment.
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Re: Do we ever let go?

Postby Moun10dew » Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:24 am

I actually attended my first ever group session Monday night. Tried the one on one counceling....didn't like it. I actually thought talking to people who had a common bond was a lot better. Small group of about 10 people. Mostly my parents age or older.....two women probably in their 20's. I started telling my story and cried...but eventually got control of my emotions and finished telling my story and then listened to others. I will be back. Some have been coming back since the group was formed in 1990. Hopefully if I'm in the group that long I'm going because I want to help others get through what I'm going through now.

Weather is supposed to be nice this weekend so a friend and I are going to take a road trip to visit her grave in Iowa. I'm not sure if its too soon.. but I just feel in my heart I need to do this.
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Re: Do we ever let go?

Postby Blossom » Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:38 pm

I'm pleased for you. Some things will stick and some won't...keep trying. Already something has helped you and you sought it yourself! There are stagnant periods in grief as it goes along, but there are also times when great strides (of something....healing?) can change the colour of your day and linger a little and other stuff seems to flow in. Keep trying and hold on when there is no trying left in you...it will come back. I know your loss is earth shattering - don't mean this to sound like a pep talk - I know the reality of each day is a proposition of survival. But you will survive, Mountaindew. We have and you will too.
Blossom x

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