New Dreams

A discussion of any suicide issue or grief topic that don't fit elsewhere.

New Dreams

Postby lonelymom » Sun Nov 11, 2012 4:00 am

Its been 2 yrs. since my life changing event started. So, I have had all the events and drama that preceded my son's suicide at the forefront of my thoughts to the point that its an obsession almost. Halloween night 2010 was his first attempt. He succeeded on try number 4, Feb. 7, 2011. A few nights ago and every night since my Jeff has been very much a part of my dreams. He told me he had been kidnapped and was just now able to escape. I took him places we have gone without him to catch him up on what we had been doing. He was back. I was so relieved. It was so real. I woke up and he was not there. I was hopeful but knew he really was still gone. Most of my dreams are when he was a baby, but this last one was real time. I don't like it when I wake up and have to deal with reality again. One step forward two steps back. Grief and mourning is so hard, its exhausting and stressful.

When do the complete break downs of uncontrolable sobbing stop?
lonelymom
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Re: New Dreams

Postby cmarie » Sun Nov 11, 2012 12:26 pm

Lonelymom, it is exhausting. Draining. Leaving us little with which to cope with.
I lost my son two years ago in September. I still think about him everyday-likely every hour of every day.

Last week, I did happen to notice, that I don't break into uncontrollable sobs like I used to. You know the kind, that ones that take you by surprise and rock you to your core? Those have subsided for the time being.

I am sorry about your dreams. It is so hard to wake up to the reality.
Take care
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: New Dreams

Postby lonelymom » Sun Nov 11, 2012 5:51 pm

I too thought I was past the sobs, but it snuck up on me while I was alone, cleaning. It was an intense one. The dream did it to me.

Thanks for weighing in.
lonelymom
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Re: New Dreams

Postby cmarie » Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:46 pm

Do you feel somewhat cleansed (not sure it's the right word) after one of those sessions?

I imagine I am not done. Part of me hopes not.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Posts: 880
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:30 pm

Re: New Dreams

Postby cmarie » Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:27 am

I dreamt of Liam last night, when he was a baby ( I haven't dreamt of him as a baby before). My husband and I had been away for a weeks holiday, and when we got back I couldn't remember who was looking after Liam. I was panicky.

Makes me realize how impressionable my mind is. Reading on the forum about you dreaming of your son as a baby, and blossom's post about. Thwacking thoughts of being a bad mother.

What could be a worse than a mother who loses her son?

Off to do an hour of body twisting, thought controlling yoga...
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Posts: 880
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:30 pm

Re: New Dreams

Postby lonelymom » Fri Nov 16, 2012 3:19 pm

Just when I think I am finally resigned to the fact he is dead and not coming back to this world, I have interaction that gives me false hope in my subconscious. Then reality kicks back in and it SUCKS!

We will be haunted forever on this earth that our loved one went way too soon and cheated us. me, I'll never have any grandchildren. I have no one to brag to my girlfriends about, or leave my legacy to. my branch on the tree ends here. I am reminded it was God who gave us free will, and we have no control over the choices our dear ones made. I keep telling myself Jeff's mind suffered from sickness and his choice was influenced by it.

I must be in that interim space of acceptance and coping. But having the promise we will be together again in Heaven, I can move on. Interesting though my perception of life and death have changed drastically. I no longer fear death. I am indifferent to living. Not suicidal but very indifferent. Don't know that I'd put up much of a fight to stay alive if something happened.

Probably should get the chaos in my basement cleaned up though. It'd be unkind to leave that mess for my husband.
lonelymom
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