Please click the above link to read the rest of Tony's blog.I'm going to tell you what it is like to "be left behind." Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid. Where I'm at right now comes down to three little words: Loss, Anger, and Pain -- lots of each. This the eternal triangle of paternal grief. I live right in the middle and can't move out. It's a lousy neighborhood.
Loss is what happens to someone when you die. Paul's death left me incomplete. It tore something out of me and I will never be the same again. Loss isn't passive or arithmetic -- subtract one son. It's active, it grows, it's a "black hole" that pulls everything in. I'm not whole and the hole won't close. All loss is shit, suicide loss is the worst shit. Losing a kid to suicide is off the shit scale.
My anger came on when the shock wore off -- when the attitude of the police, other official types, the medical examiner, etc., hit home. (Don't make your family have those people in their face.) I got madder as I realized that my son's death didn't have to be. After I learned that those who could have prevented it didn't care came rage. My anger has stopped growing but it hasn't gotten any less intense.
My anger is also self-directed. I feel very responsible. I'm not angry at Paul, but I'll never forgive myself for missing his suffering. I'll never forgive those whom he told of his pain and his plan and who did nothing and who made damn sure that I knew it. Want your "friends" telling your folks that "we knew he was gonna do it." Want your father to think about hurting them every day?
And then there's pain...
I hope that if you are considering ending your pain, that you consider those who will be left behind in the wake of your death. The pain of this loss is so devastating and complete that it changes everything for those of us left behind. My son Brian died by suicide in 2008. Since that day; the day I found him; I have been hurt so deeply that the pain never subsides for long and I always return to this 'daymare' I am forced to live. Thoughts of my son consume me, thoughts of how hard we tried to get him help, how bravely he fought his demons but eventually the thoughts return to losing him.
If you are suffering from Depression, Loss, Anxiety or mental health issues - there is hope. Please don't give in to suicidal thoughts. There is life worth living and you can find it.
My hopes are with you as you travel your journey.