by Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D -
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold on to one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Hard to imagine isn’t it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body seems to cry out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.
Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can not imagine waiting ahead on your journey – a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know. So many of us have cried in despair, why? Why? And still the answers and the comfort failed to show.
Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, tortuous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward, please.
Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.
When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is weakened, weary faith, hold on.
When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.
Hold on for one more day
Sometimes it feel like I've been landed a life sentence and that I'm in inextricably shackled to my misery...The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Of course there those other times when I imagine with Herculean strength conquering all my demons, but those are the rare times.
Its only worth it there is something promised and if that some promised is great. And words from a sage where: nothing in life is promised...Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting.
Personally I know it is possible to achieve my dreams but the irrational refraction of life thru the prism of depression makes it so hard to believe right now....
Most certainly I don't want to die...When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.
But it is also true I don't want to live; not in my current particular circumstances....
Sorry to sally your beautiful paean of hope but I'm on bit of a downer right now.
And as much as I'd like to hold on, I'm wondering what for.
I say none of this to incite you to feel guilted into living. I only want to convey that my precious brother left this world thinking no one cared and no one would. He told me multiple times he felt that we would all be better off without him. This saddens me the most. How wrong he was! I do not know your situation or your family dynamic, but please reach out and keep reaching out. I took a lot of crap from people in my life regarding how I "catered" to my brother's emotional problems, I was at his beck and call 24-7 for the most part. Unfortunantly on that day we were fighting and had been for weeks, both of us too stubborn to say sorry first. Oh god here come the tears...I never got to say sorry or bye or I love you one more time and he never got to hear how much he changed my life for the better by being in it. Somewhere out there Drew is a person who would move heaven and earth to keep you here I am sure, please find that person and ask for help. If you need to talk I am on this site daily. My brother was very dark and angry and I have heard it all, I will not judge nor minimize your feelings. Life is worth living, some just need a little extra help thru the hard times. I too have been suicidal in my past and more recently in fact, so I understand the desperation, the "no way out tired of it all" feeling. I am here if you need as are others. Please take care