I'm worried that if enough time has lapsed, my memory would not be enough to rely on, particularly if new evidences/findings were uncovered years from now. Hence, my quest to gather information/data/understanding while the events/places/people are still accessible/available. Unless a ruling/finding is conclusive, I believe a case can turn on a dime as new discovery/information/evidence becomes available.
It is not an easy process, but one I'm willing to undertake. One of my sisters who has been reluctant in the beginning is now beginning to understand my position. So, I'm grateful for her support/input/extra pair of eyes and mind.
I'm also working towards obtaining/preserving data from my brother's email account since it's inception. Perhaps, if we are successful, information from there would shed new light (or not).
Sadly, I realize no amount of fact-finding would bring my dear brother back or change the course of events. I suppose it's my way of grieving for him and mitigating the helplessness of not being able to do anything for him in order to prevent his unfortunate suffering and demise.
Sending you kind, gentle thoughts. ♥
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Berna. I lost my brother in late October 2013, and I can identify with the roller coaster rides. It's as if the grieving comes and goes at its own will. The uncontrollable sadness comes when dusk starts to appear, when I'm driving, alone in the restroom (that is where they found my brother), even when I have my family around me because I am aware that he is missing. I don't eat or sleep much and I live life in slow motion.
I come to the forum because I can relate to everyone's feelings of loss, although it does make me feel sad because so many of us have lost a loved one/loved ones. No one should have to endure this kind of pain. My brother is often on my mind and the sadness I feel never really leaves. Sometimes only music helps me, but even that is short-lived. Maybe it's still too close to the event for me, but I'm sad whether I'm reading the forum or not. It's when I'm here, I feel less like a crazy person.
Sending you all abundant blessings and peace .... ♥
You know...in my head, I think what happened at that moment... is what I question all the time, like you,..but it never changes the outcome. I've investigated what I can, I guess you never really know what goes on in anyone's relationship behind closed doors ( my son and his girlfriend broke up) from what I understand he was the one who did the breaking up. My life story is just too long to write, if I was to re- write it I would,..I always ponder why some people are made to suffer more than others! Gosh... I try and stay soooo incredibly positive every day and count my blessings. I put a smile on my face , and no one knows my pain, they probably look at me and say, what's wrong with that lady? She looks like she has everything? everything! ( sometimes think,..some jealous person wished bad on me) ...material things are nothing....nothing! I'd rather be poor and live under a bridge than in a mansion without my son!
I'm sorry...I want to be positive...just sometimes it's hard! ...I study religion (theology) and know there is another place where many religions say we,ll meet our loved ones. I've seen the Dalai Lama twice and met him, when I know the life he,s lived and it didn't let it destroy him, it gives me hope. I sometimes...?..? Think you have to go through things in life to make a difference?....I'm still trying to think like him.....gosh!!....I don,t know?? God give me Wisdom! ...we can't picture, how it happened, it,ll make us crazy, think of his life and not his death. I was a young mother when I had him, ...if I knew what I know now?..I'd have him now when I'm 40,.. Re-do my life and live as hippie, following the Grateful Dead sleeping in a VW van, nor worrying about a thang! Life....a whole lot of what if,s.....just thinking. It,ll all work out,...I promise!
He lived and he loved. My first true love. Never forgotten.
Thank you for posting this, I stumbled across it last night when googling. I lost a friend just over 2 years ago to suicide and I often find myself turning to google typing in random words to do with suicide or his name in the hope of answers. I have struggled for some time with the question of did he suffer but hopefully thanks to you I will stop asking that question.
Dude (only username that would work)
All I want to do is throw my arms around her and hold her until whatever thought she had dissipates, and her perspective on life returns. She would not have done this had not despair made her forget for a few minutes everything and everyone she held dear, and applied the same mercy and compassion she had for others to herself. I want to take her hand and lay it on her heart, and say to her this is an animal that wants to live. Don't kill it. It loves you. It trusts you. Love it back. Nurture it. Let it grow. Let it live.
Depression is a disease, just like a heart attack or cancer. But it effects its result unexpectedly. There is no blame for getting sick, or for believing you will get better without treatment. It is natural to believe we live naturally. But it is so terrible for the people who are left behind. My closest friend, and now my love, both died from it. I will never recover from this.
It is the time before hand. From getting home from work, to finding the electrical cord, to tying it to his Hom gym, to putting it around his neck. It is all that agony before the 8-13 seconds that bothers me about my beautiful so s death