As a result of my sister's suicide, my own father became suicidal and made his 1st attempt one year later and a 2nd attempt just 9 months after that. I felt like we had done EVERYTHING we could have to help him and prevent his attempts but NOTHING worked. I am thankful that he is still here with us and doing much better but the anger I have felt towards him throughout these past 2 and half years has really made me have doubts about my beliefs. I have lost so much trust in him.
I don't want to offend anyone or give off the impression that I am insensitive but sometimes I feel like those 3 statements that I mentioned above are just meaningless words someone wrote to make me feel like there's something I can do. People say suicidal people suffer from an illness just like cancer... Then HOW can it be 100% preventable since not all medical illnesses are preventable? If it was preventable, then that would mean every suicide reflects a failure to help. And how can I possibly stop myself from believing that what my sister did and dad attempted wasn't selfish in the slightest bit? I can't make myself believe that they weren't capable of thinking of how it would affect those left behind. And I absolutely hate saying this but after going through hell and back with my dad, I sometimes thought to myself that I shouldn't try saving him anymore. I should just let him go and respect his choice.
I don't want to censor my thoughts about it anymore. I'm pissed at my sister and my dad. Even though I sympathize and understand that they were suffering, I still think they were both selfish in some ways. They MUST have weighed the pros and cons of living and still decided that the people who loved them weren't worth living for. I don't wish to imprison someone to a life they don't want to live or think that I am so important that they should live just for me but COME ON! They must have thought so low of us. Thought we were just simple minded idiots that would get over their death and just move on like it was nothing.
Maybe someone should just add a * to the end of these catch-all statements and mention that this only applies to some because it sure doesn't explain all the gray area and only makes me feel guilty for having these thoughts. I'm not an ignorant person and I shouldn't feel like my feelings are just some misconception because someone else says so.
Thank you for posting this, I share some of your thoughts. Please know that you are not alone. And the reason I say thank you is because I am guessing others have these feeling sometimes too, and we aren't brave enough to share them with anyone. Its part of the dark side of suicide survival. At times I have shared anger and that has been met with judgement in that I wasn't right to be angry, now I too censor what I say.
I say, your feelings are your feelings. No one else lives through every single moment of your life. You do not sound insensitive to me. Your thoughts are yours, and from the perspective of a sister living through a suicide and then to watch your father continuously attempt, I can sympathize with your anger. Right? How much can we take? I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Lets use the *, that is a great idea, because you are right, the gray area is there. I don't think you should feel guilty, ever, for your thoughts. They are yours alone and no one should ever judge that.
Many will find this cold, please take care of yourself, and do whatever you need to for yourself. I'm certain that you have participated in many things to help your dad and I hope he finds reason to live. I know you love him. I know you want him to be healthy. I know you want to sleep at night too and participate fully in life, the good and the bad. His suicide is preventable if he makes the steps to help himself. Many of us have offered doctors/therapy/medication/suicide hotlines/hours,days,weeks of monitoring, and yet, as you have noted, sometimes NOTHING helps. And then, if our loved one passes, we get to hear that suicide is 100% preventable. Sounds to me like you have done everything you can, so please take care of Athena. Please. You deserve it.
Thus, on the one hand, I also feel that I wasnt enough for him to live. That I have failed him. Maybe you feel this way about your sister and your father, and you are mad at them because you feel like they dont love you enough. But you need to realize it is not your fault. Suicide doesnt mean 'i give a sh** about your feelings'; it means 'right now, I am so desperate and sad I dont want to live anymore'.
I do not support suicidal thoughts or the act. I think it is selfish, unfair to others and unnecessary. BUT I have been there. And I realized that it doesnt take all your strength to kill yourself - it takes all your strength not to.
You arent responsible for your sister's or father's actions. And please dont conclude they dont care for you. They do. They were just overwhelmed by their pain. Maybe you can tell your father he will get better. That the pain will not be so intense after a while. I dunno what we are living for, or if all this suffering on earth makes any sense at all, but I want to find out. And if we are very, very lucky, we may see the people we lost again one day. Somehow that gives me hope.
Dawn - I'm sorry to hear that your pain has caused you to be driven to such a dark place but I am grateful that you're still here and able to share your experience.
I guess maybe it's not my responsibility to save every person I come across but at least I can attempt to share with those thinking to end their life how traumatic it can really be for those they would leave behind. Maybe it would help someone gain a perspective that motivates them not to take the permanent route and seek the support from their loved ones - even if it's just one person.
That right there is priceless information! Thank you for clarifying... I feel in my heart that is a truth.Dawn wrote:BUT I have been there. And I realized that it doesnt take all your strength to kill yourself - it takes all your strength not to.
I'm also very sorry we're all going through this pain... I too do not understand why but I know there's a bigger picture that I may be ignorant to at the moment and do not want to give up completely as a result.
I miss the thoughts that design and build your mind
I miss the way you hold me close like vines
I miss you all the time - USS