GOD, Please show your loves to all.
Last night was particularly terrible because in my dream my dad was upstairs and I knew he was dead but then a panic washed over me that he also killed my mom. I ran upstairs and was relieved that she was still alive (again - in my dream). Even though she didn't die in my dream and is alive in real life, it was extremely disturbing and I almost had a mini-emotional break down on my way to work. I haven't told anyone because I'm tired of seeing their reaction of pity or worse, make my other sister and mom feel sad.
Ugh. So that's how I'm doing.
I felt truly desperate in the early few months. I was helped so much by this forum and the support I got on here and through private messages. I can honestly say without that amazing love and support I am seriously not sure I would be here to write these words today. This place was for me I believe a life saver.
The acute pain is not constant anymore but it still overwhelms me on occasion. I have learnt to keep it in a place in my head that lets me function on a day to day basis in this insane f**ked up world we exist in.
I will say though I have made serious errors of judgement in my life the last 8 years one of which probably cost me all that I want now going forward. Trusting still that whatever is meant for the rest of my life will be kind to me.
Keep plodding forward everyone with your eyes to the sky head held high. Is all we can do and remember our loved ones when they had control and not on the day they clearly didn't.