The dreaded anniversary

[cmarie]

And so, here it comes... Again. The anniversary.

Why does it hold so much power?

I noticed over the last few days, the appearance of, what I will call generalized anxiety. Couldn't figure it out, as I am not an especially an anxious person. But there it sits. Still.

Slowly, it dawns on me - it's about the anniversary. Liam is in my mind, my thoughts day and night. All the time now:"Liam would like this" "what would Liam have thought about this?" Doesn't matter if I am at a play,on a hike ( I saw a bear today -what would Liam have said?), grocery shopping, swimming in the ocean."oh god, Liam, I am so sorry I let you down" and the dreaded "what ifs " are back in full force. With some crazy new challenges to the old standbys.

I hate that one day has so much power. I try to disempower it by rationalizing. But it seems to have a life of its own. I want to own that day, and i don't know how to do that. I envision doing something very life affirming for myself- jumping out of an airplane? Ha! Climbing a mountain? Zip lining? Something Liam would be impressed with...

Could we just take September 4th out of the calendar for a while? Just a couple of years maybe...

And I know I will make it through the day.

Thank you for allowing me this indulgence. I feel a smidgen better already.

[Blossom]

cmaire - you said it all so well - I cannot reply with anything that would help. You have a map and x marks Liam's anniversary.

I'll sing a little light on the path for you both, just before you open you eyes on that day.

[cmarie]

Thank you blossom. And if you are still playing your beautiful harp...

I guess this is another lesson in acceptance. Not flailing about uncontrollabley over something I have no control over. What a waste of very precious energy.

[insearchofpeace]

I guess this is another lesson in acceptance. Not flailing about uncontrollabley over something I have no control over. What a waste of very precious energy.

Well said cmarie.... Thinking of you as Liam's anniversary approaches..x ((((you))))

[Blossom]

Cmarie - the second is not the first, but we only have the first to use as a gauge in anticipation (my experience only), and because we are human, we seek some forewarning however we can find it. The main difference for me was that I 'realigned' faster after the wallop and was very aware that I was stronger than I was after that first anniversary. Stronger, not by effort or determination, but by the cumulation of the miles of life that have passed under my feet and I guess, those those that I 'lived'. I don't know if that helps. Your post was the most touching and wholesome grasp on the feelings of a looming anniversary I have ever read - it covers everything and I felt through your words that Liam is so so safe. Keep in touch.

* Yes, harp included of course. A bear? Oh my goodness...

[cmarie]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps a great deal. I so appreciate having such a wise and generous woman lighting the way for me.

After articulating my feelings here, I have been able to share a little bit with others in my life. They are kind. They nod in understanding. But I know by the sympathy ( not the empathy) in their eyes that they don't truly get it. How could they? And I wouldn't wish it on them anyways.

I have had limited experience with death before Liam, but had heard people say "oh the anniversaries will be hard." "all those firsts - christmas, birthdays, will be difficult" in response to someone having to cope with a death. I would nod, and agree of course. I had no sense of the real pain. The agony involved. None. Such trite statements...

Oh my Liam, the things I am learning... You were always teaching me something.

[janis1127]

I have been thinking about the dreaded day too. Let's take September 15th off the calendar as well.

A thousand words won't bring you back i know because i've tried, neither will a million tears i know because i've cried.

[Suzanne]

It really floors me how my body knows and reacts before my mind is even aware. The heralds of the anniversary season: the way the light hits the trees, the particular temperature and humidity of the season, the length of the daylight. These things are all etched in my bones as I approach THE anniversary.
Even if they took the day out of the calendar, there is the day before and the day after. The before and the after. All the particulars are pieces of the finding, the finding out. Marking so clearly a before and an after.
It is hard, hard, hard to confront anniversaries. No doubt about it.
There were shifts in my focus on the anniversaries: the first was about Dave, the second was about me, the third was about us. On the fourth and the fifth those great big questions hung in the autumn air. Each different. Each painful. Each reverent.
I will be thinking about you, cmarie, on Sept 4 and you, janis1127, on Sept 15. I know you will make it through the day. I know it is hard.

Suzanne

[cmarie]

Yes we will make it through, won't we Janis? Because the alternative just isn't there.

Suzanne, you are exactly right. My body, my senses, my physical being start the remembering before my consciousness kicks in. And you are right, getting rid of sept 4 won't address the 3rd or the 5th. I just hate not having the control. There is that lesson again, still beating me over the head...

The end of summer/beginning of fall had always been my favorite time of year. Maybe it will be again.

Maybe somewhere down the road, I will be able to see this time of year as a time to honour Liam more intensively, and it will once again become a welcome time.

Hard to imagine.

[Blossom]

Yes, you will both make it. All of the words in these posts are so beautiful, sad and beautiful.