Mixed Emotions

For suggestions on what helps us cope after our lives have been affected by suicide.

Mixed Emotions

Postby lonelymom » Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:18 am

A strange thing happened last weekend. I found myself having fun. Something that has been absent in my life for a year and a half. I was with my brother and sister in law on Mackinaw Island. My sister in law and I shopped and giggled and we were just plain silly. I hadn't seen her in 5yrs. They live in Idaho, me in Michigan and she was unable to be at the funeral. All memories of my son were good. The next morning it hit me, is it OK to be happy? I haven't allowed happiness in my life since my son broke my heart and left me. I have been engulfed in the great sadness for so long. Maybe I have disgraced his memory by thinking about myself and the present. For some reason I have it in my head that I am not allowed. I should be absorbed in my grief. Anyone else feel this way?
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Re: Mixed Emotions

Postby randosmom » Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:34 am

Lonelymom,

The rare times when I do laugh, guilt follows in a heartbeat. I know, however, when I laugh now, it is with my heart & I hold nothing back. Most of the time that means tears follow. I haven't had a true good time since my son left, but it's just 4 months. I have to believe we have a future with some sunshine, I just can't see it right now.

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Re: Mixed Emotions

Postby psyquestor » Fri Jun 22, 2012 2:19 pm

(((lonelymom)))) Our sons would not want us to suffer so; they would want us to live our lives to the fullest (as much as possible) and find peace. I do understand thinking that your happiness on the Island, is somehow a disgrace to his memory and the pain you have felt. I have had those feelings as well, especially in the first few years when happiness was such a distant feeling - a complete stranger to me. Over the past three years I have learned to embrace those rare times that I can feel good again. I grab hold and cherish each day that I am no longer crippled by my loss. I include my son during these times; talk to him and tell him how much I wish he was here with us.

I know how difficult it is, but in time I hope you too learn to embrace your happiness again. To feel the sunlight on your face and look to the lake and see all the beauty there. I used to go to Tahquamenon and lose myself to a dark sadness, since my son was no longer there to see the beauty in the forest or the falls. Now when I visit, I sit and enjoy the surroundings and hold Brian deep in my heart and remember all of the good times we had there. The tears are now more distant and I am able to embrace my happiness.

(((hugs))) to my fellow Michigander. Thinking of you today.
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

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