We found out from the police that he had shot her 4 times point blank range with a pump action 12 gauge shot gun. He owned guns all my life, never a 12 gauge. And why not with a hand gun? 4 times?? I knew she said something that triggered that kind of rage, rage my dad NEVER EVER displayed. Did she say she was leaving him, is that why he killed her, so she couldn't take my money as he stated? All I could think about is what changed those last few hours? My dad has given up his dreams and desires about how his retirement would be, because my mom dictated everything. I feel she would make up illnesses so they couldn't move from the RV park they were staying at, or they would end up on the property of a friend of hers. Dad never had a say so, without a fight. So he kept quiet. He was always such a gentle, kind man, giving and helping anyone. But the sad sad thing is, I have found a lot of pictures of them over the years, and my dad is not smiling in many. As for my mother, I'm truly not sad that she is gone. All the drama and negativity is gone, all the complaining and lack of wanting to change, is gone. I miss the after work phone calls on my way home (I could limit the length), but that is all I miss. And I am sad, that my parents won't be here for their first grandchild's high school graduation (in a yr) and college graduation - which they both knew was important to their grandchild. She suffers too, but in a different way than me, or my husband. He was the Best thing since sliced bread, Daddy worshipped the ground he walked on, I could see it in their conversations, hear it from relatives & friends, the way that daddy talked about him. They are both struggling in their own ways. Making it difficult for me to help them through it, being that I am the one who is there for everyone else. My sister, absent for a 5 year period after my dad helped her financially after her divorce - then disappeared when dad asked for pay back, only came back into the picture when I drug her to see our parents 2 yrs ago, so that something happened to them - there would be no regrets. Daddy never mentioned her in his last phone call. But he had to know I would do the right thing and divide it all between the two of us. Don't know if he knew she was getting ready to lose her new house to foreclosure.
What bothers me most, eventhough I know I can't change anything - did I do enough? Was I a good enough daughter to him? Why weren't we enough? Why did he not look for other options? What was truly bothering him, that he couldn't talk about it? Father's Day is around the corner and dread it more than I can express in words. And my sister has their remains, and I don't want to retrieve them from her house. I have never dreaded something so much, in my life. I just want to move on with my life and be happy again, is that so wrong to ask?
My heart goes out to you. I just read your message, your story of what happened, your story of the end of your dad's life, and I can feel the intense sadness that is filling you up right now.
I also hear a great deal of anger, almost rage, at your mother.
The tragedy of the loss of both your mother and father at the same time has to be overwhelming. There are so many issues to deal with, and it may be hard to know where to start.
All of us have not lost parents to suicide, but some of us have. We are all reaching out to you, hoping you will find the support you need, as you post on this site.
It's been my experience that there is a process with grief and this early part means we need to take the time to ask why and what if... As you know, there aren't any answers- never will be. But somehow through it all you come out of it with a story that will serve your purposes.
Take care of yourself, counselling, rest, exercise. It all helps.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.