Rarely angry but always sad

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.
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Rarely angry but always sad

Post by jimsmom » Fri Sep 18, 2015 11:24 pm

It has been a very long time since my last post. I continue with my counseling each week and I wonder if it helps. I'm afraid to let go of my weekly counseling because there isn't anyone left to talk to about my feelings. My dear son has been gone for over 5 years and the pain feels like he died yesterday. Jim died August 8, 2010 at the age of 38.

I was dealt another blow on July 17 when I lost my sister. My sister died from sepsis. She was in intensive care, but they didn't diagnose her until it was too late. I was with her until the bitter end. I stayed by her side afraid to let her go. My sister, Florence, was the last member of my immediate family. Only she knew our history. I am truly lost as I sit typing this post after midnight. I try to pretend that she is home because I can't bear the thought of her being gone. My counselor tells me that it isn't good to avoid my feelings as I tend to bottle them up.

I am surrounded by pictures of my son and I treasure each one. Tonight I decided I would clean out Jim's chest that was in his bathroom. Gathering and holding the towels that I bought for him was too much to bear.

Long week and every day this week when I got home from work, my husband was yelling about something. The only thing I do anymore is say what's wrong or did you have a bad day? But I don't get angry, I just retreat and isolate myself. I think to myself he is retired and I go to work every day with a broken heart, what' does he have to be angry about. He is 3 grown children who are healthy and self-supporting. Sad is such a small word for the immense pain that I feel throughout my entire being.

I could go on and on with the boring details of my life, but I will not unload anymore tonight.

Thank you for listening.

Jim's mom

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by jimsmom » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:46 pm

I see that over 60+ viewed my message, but not one comment or one kind word. Aren't we in this together?

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by Karyl » Tue Sep 22, 2015 9:17 am

Jim's Mom,

First, I am so sorry that your sister is gone. There is a special bond between siblings sometimes. It sounds as if you and Florence had that bond.

It's been about five years since Jim died. Five years of you missing him. You mentioned cleaning out Jim's chest in the bathroom and how difficult it was. Do you think it's because holding the towels reminds you of the reality that Jim is not physically present?

It has to be hard seeing your husband's insensitivity to your loss since his children are still living. He will never understand, because he's not a mother whose child died by suicide.

I have hard that anger usually changes into sadness over time. Have you been angry earlier on this journey, Jim's mom? Is your sadness now the result of anger fading out, or is it a deeper sadness?

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by jimsmom » Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:52 pm

I've never really been angry just disappointed

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by Jason » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:59 am


When I thought back thru my grief I never thought I was angry but I did realize that in some ways I was... You were very brave in tackling that job of going thru Jim's chest. I still have difficulties myself when going thru some of Rebecca's things. Little bits at a time. One day I took all the pens she collected and brought them to work to share with co-workers. Some of the pen I told them were off limits, like the one with a frog head where the eyes pop out at you if you squeeze the head. She had such a huge collection of pens, I never would have used them. Now I get a kick out of seeing all kinds of colors on paperwork in the office. =P I know she would have enjoyed knowing that too.
A couple of things that helped me immensely are continuing to work on the relationships around me that I can (God, friends, coworkers, family, even a stranger on the street corner on the way to work) and starting new ones. By meeting new people and getting closer to those still in my life it has increased my strength, endurance, and helped me to heal.
I am a happier person now and am getting to see how even though I am struggling too, they are there for me just as much as I am there for them.
Do you have some friends you could spend time with? Do you have any opportunities to get to know someone new?
Keep seeing your counselor because they can help too, you just may need a little more.

You are right, we are in this together. Now pick yourself up and do what you can to make those around you happier and when you think of Jim think of what might surprise him if he some how found out you were doing it. Who knows, you might heal more and find some joy too!

Hoping you are better soon,
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by cmarie » Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:53 pm

Jim's mom, I have just read your post. I am sorry the pain is still so very intense for you. Losing your sister must just compound the pain.
We lost our sons around the same time, so I have seen your posts over the last five years or so. I feel a strong connection with you though I know our experiences of grief have been different. Iwish I had a magic wand, that I could lessen your pain and disappointment.
Take car Jim's mom. I am thinking of you.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by briansfolks » Mon Sep 28, 2015 11:33 am

Anytime you have another tragedy it rushes back to the time your son died. It is a hard process and one that doesn't seem to resolve, It is a continual grief that wanes and increases at times. It doesn't go away. I recently went to a funeral visitation for a woman who lost her daughter. Although I empathize with her my grief is my own. I see again the place where I was. . . rushing back. I cry more for my own circumstance than for her and her deceased daughter.
I lost my father at age 13, my twin brother at age 15, and then my mom in my forties, then my son which is why I am on here. My son was much more intense grief for me even though I was sad for my other family members as well. My husband lost his brother to suicide in the 70's when his brother was 25 and he was 15. Other than aunts and uncles and grandparents which we both lost his next major loss was his son and two months later his mother and and about 6 months later than that was his father. We sometimes wonder how we managed to survive such a terrible time in our lives. We focus other on things and get by day by day. We remember our loved ones and do what ever we can to preserve their memory and to make them proud. Know that you are not alone. love,Brian's mom

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Re: Rarely angry but always sad

Post by AmbersFather » Tue Dec 08, 2015 4:05 pm

My wife and I just lost our 19 year old daughter on Nov 23rd. I have gone through more emotions than I knew existed. I am angry at her best friend for his suicide that she was so distraught over. I'm also angry at my daughter sometimes for not reaching out to us for help. Every day since the police gave us the news I've cried. It still seems as though we are in a sort of fog. A few months ago a coworker lost his 21 year old son and I saw the heartbreak he went through. Now I am experiencing the same thing. This is something that no parent should ever have to bear. I am lucky in that I have my wife and our other four children to share the grief with (and my family). I can only say that it does get easier with time but I'm not sure how much time. I've never had pain like this before. I pray to never have it again.
I need words of comfort but at the same time offer them to you.

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