I was dealt another blow on July 17 when I lost my sister. My sister died from sepsis. She was in intensive care, but they didn't diagnose her until it was too late. I was with her until the bitter end. I stayed by her side afraid to let her go. My sister, Florence, was the last member of my immediate family. Only she knew our history. I am truly lost as I sit typing this post after midnight. I try to pretend that she is home because I can't bear the thought of her being gone. My counselor tells me that it isn't good to avoid my feelings as I tend to bottle them up.
I am surrounded by pictures of my son and I treasure each one. Tonight I decided I would clean out Jim's chest that was in his bathroom. Gathering and holding the towels that I bought for him was too much to bear.
Long week and every day this week when I got home from work, my husband was yelling about something. The only thing I do anymore is say what's wrong or did you have a bad day? But I don't get angry, I just retreat and isolate myself. I think to myself he is retired and I go to work every day with a broken heart, what' does he have to be angry about. He is 3 grown children who are healthy and self-supporting. Sad is such a small word for the immense pain that I feel throughout my entire being.
I could go on and on with the boring details of my life, but I will not unload anymore tonight.
Thank you for listening.
First, I am so sorry that your sister is gone. There is a special bond between siblings sometimes. It sounds as if you and Florence had that bond.
It's been about five years since Jim died. Five years of you missing him. You mentioned cleaning out Jim's chest in the bathroom and how difficult it was. Do you think it's because holding the towels reminds you of the reality that Jim is not physically present?
It has to be hard seeing your husband's insensitivity to your loss since his children are still living. He will never understand, because he's not a mother whose child died by suicide.
I have hard that anger usually changes into sadness over time. Have you been angry earlier on this journey, Jim's mom? Is your sadness now the result of anger fading out, or is it a deeper sadness?
When I thought back thru my grief I never thought I was angry but I did realize that in some ways I was... You were very brave in tackling that job of going thru Jim's chest. I still have difficulties myself when going thru some of Rebecca's things. Little bits at a time. One day I took all the pens she collected and brought them to work to share with co-workers. Some of the pen I told them were off limits, like the one with a frog head where the eyes pop out at you if you squeeze the head. She had such a huge collection of pens, I never would have used them. Now I get a kick out of seeing all kinds of colors on paperwork in the office. =P I know she would have enjoyed knowing that too.
A couple of things that helped me immensely are continuing to work on the relationships around me that I can (God, friends, coworkers, family, even a stranger on the street corner on the way to work) and starting new ones. By meeting new people and getting closer to those still in my life it has increased my strength, endurance, and helped me to heal.
I am a happier person now and am getting to see how even though I am struggling too, they are there for me just as much as I am there for them.
Do you have some friends you could spend time with? Do you have any opportunities to get to know someone new?
Keep seeing your counselor because they can help too, you just may need a little more.
You are right, we are in this together. Now pick yourself up and do what you can to make those around you happier and when you think of Jim think of what might surprise him if he some how found out you were doing it. Who knows, you might heal more and find some joy too!
Hoping you are better soon,
We lost our sons around the same time, so I have seen your posts over the last five years or so. I feel a strong connection with you though I know our experiences of grief have been different. Iwish I had a magic wand, that I could lessen your pain and disappointment.
Take car Jim's mom. I am thinking of you.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
Anytime you have another tragedy it rushes back to the time your son died. It is a hard process and one that doesn't seem to resolve, It is a continual grief that wanes and increases at times. It doesn't go away. I recently went to a funeral visitation for a woman who lost her daughter. Although I empathize with her my grief is my own. I see again the place where I was. . . rushing back. I cry more for my own circumstance than for her and her deceased daughter.
I lost my father at age 13, my twin brother at age 15, and then my mom in my forties, then my son which is why I am on here. My son was much more intense grief for me even though I was sad for my other family members as well. My husband lost his brother to suicide in the 70's when his brother was 25 and he was 15. Other than aunts and uncles and grandparents which we both lost his next major loss was his son and two months later his mother and and about 6 months later than that was his father. We sometimes wonder how we managed to survive such a terrible time in our lives. We focus other on things and get by day by day. We remember our loved ones and do what ever we can to preserve their memory and to make them proud. Know that you are not alone. love,Brian's mom
I need words of comfort but at the same time offer them to you.