Can't always even relate to other suicide survivors

[briansfolks]

I wonder if people feel the same way. After the death of our son we received messages from other survivors of suicide. Yes we share that our loved ones killed themselves but for different reasons. I have a lady who writes me, calls me, and sends inspirational books to me every month. Her son shot himself 8 years ago. I know she means well but the reasons he killed himself was so different than with our son. Her son murdered his ex girlfriend and then killed himself. Another woman in my neighborhood's husband shot himself but he was older, he had a stroke, he couldn't feed himself, he was suffering. Still another had a son who was cheating,getting a divorce, and then another was a alcoholic woman who jumped from a bridge. Yes we all suffer the loss of a loved one but they are so so different and we all react in different ways to their death. Some are still angry with their deceased love one for leaving them and I hear them but cannot relate to their anger. If fact with the neighbor who's husband had a stroke I can understand why her husband did it and I cannot relate to why she is angry at him for killing himself. Did she put her self in his shoes? She tells me he was so selfish but I don't feel that way in fact maybe she is being selfish. Well anyway I think people think because we share the same result of a death of a loved one by suicide that we have this bond. I think that is incorrect. I feel few stories are even similar to the death of our son if there are even any. I even sometimes resent being compared to some. Does anyone feel the same way or is it just me?

[Perrys16]

You have to take care of yourself right now. It is really hard because of YOUR pain. I can't feel anyone else's pain either and can't help them either. Not even my husband's. I felt so helpless about this for a long time but guess what? I can only feel my pain still. I know other people hurt. I know if they feel as bad as I do then they have to be in a lot of pain also. I guess that is what we do understand. My son was fighting with an ex girlfriend and they met on the road between our houses. They were fighting on the computer first. Then they meet and he asked her if she loved him and she said no, I hate you. He said "I am going to do it". She yelled "NO". He said FU and shot himself right in front of her. He was 16 and she was 14. The last words he ever said was that. Nobody can relate to that either. You don't have to and right now, and for forever, you only have to take care of yourself and your feelings. In the beginning, an emergency valuim helped me. It took the pain out of my body and put it next to me. That was how it felt. One day at a time. It takes at least 2 1/2 years to stabilize after this kind of shock and hurt. I have always felt that it is easier to write here and you don't have to face anybody. You can always write how you feel and somebody somewhere can relate and are going through the same thing. I flunked the support group thing because they encourage you to move on from the loss but as you can see for me, almost nine years later, Perry is always on my mind. I should have never lost him like this and you should have never lost Brian either.
Sending hugs.
Beth
Mother of Perry Atkinson, Jr. 9/7/87-10/21/03

[psyquestor]

I don't resent anyone comparing their loss to mine. Is it the same? No, it's not the same. Even if we all lost the exact same person, it would be different for each of us. Husband, Wife, Mother, brother, sister, cousin, Dad, Mom, Child... When people approach me like that, I find they're often trying to be sympathetic or show you that they care. I can't resent that. I try to be patient about it.

I think that we all share common ground in that we've lost someone we loved to suicide. Each death and the trauma left behind is as unique as the people we've lost. Still, there are commonalities to our grief. It's tragic, complicated and we are often left asking "why?" Perhaps that's what they're trying to share? That they understand the asking why, or feeling some of what you're feeling now.

Do you think they are comparing or just trying to relate to you?

Having said that, there are groups out there for Parents only. If you're interested one is listed in the resources. http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/parentsofsuicides/

[briansfolks]

Perhaps they want to group us together,well I am not in their group really because I don't condone murdering anyone, and I can relate more to someone who is ill that wants to end their pain and not to the survivor who just thinks he was selfish. It is so complicated I choose not to say anything because I know they hurt and that I wouldn't help them by telling them what I truly think. Parents only groups vary so much as well and I don't even relate to all of them. I think because of this I find little relief any where. What these forums help me personally with is to get all of these feeling off my chest. I am not left really asking "why?" because I know what happened in my case. And there are many cases I know in my area I can understand why as well. Not condoning it but I can at least make some sense of it. I understand that people do have breaking points some break easier than others. I feel for families left because they were left with out someone they love regardless of the situation. But the people in my cases that are comparing me to them is not helping because I do not feel a kinship with them at all other than we lost someone we love. I cannot not tell them their case is different because they won't listen. They tell me how I should feel and I do not feel like them. I stay quiet out of kindness but it does bother me.

[psyquestor]

((((Hugs))))) I think I understand what you're saying briansfolks. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time relating to those people. You're right, your loss is your own and no one can feel it; or understand it; the way you do. Even your own spouse will feel some parts differently than you do. Some people will feel angry, some will never feel it. It isn't right or wrong, it just is the way we feel.

[Karyl]

Dear Briansfolks,

When Arlyn first died, I thought I could only relate to other mothers whose daughters took their lives by gun when they were 18 years old headed to college. Oh, and the daughter needed to be intelligent, pretty, and suffer from bipolar disorder. (In other words, I was looking for a loss that matched mine, a twin, in a sense.) I thought that no one else could quite 'get' how I felt.

As time went on, I was able to widen the net, and I realized that no loss would ever be exactly like mine, because I was the only mother who had lost my Arlyn.

I also realized that even if stories were different, that we still had some things in common, so there was no need to compare and worry about the differences. One person may have lost someone to suicide who was older or younger, or a male, but that person may have had some of the same issues Arlyn had.

Or the person grieving may have had some of the same challenges I had, regardless of what the loss was.

The way I look at it is that we are all taking the same journey, but we may take different roads to get there, and even when we take the same road, we still may find different obstacles to step over, we may walk at different speeds, or we may even walk in different ways.

Briansmom, we all reach out to you here, and we hope you will continue to walk with us.

[Blossom]

Briansfolks - a comment made to me and one I have seen a few times here on the forum by a contributor....a phrase that has helped me when I am so so tangled, so vulnerable, and brings the source into the light.... It just hurts it just hurts.

[Crystl]

briansfolks I so understand what you're saying...
I feel very passionate about what you're saying and often feel this way too, more so at the beginning of this journey than now

I have to stop myself from taking over your thread here and will just say I care, I 'get' what you're saying and have felt those same feelings about others in Real Life...
we share an empathy and compassion towards each other, but all our stories are different and yet the same....in the end (as blossom says) it just hurts!
sending cyber *hugs*

[jimsmom]

Perhaps they want to group us together,well I am not in their group really because I don't condone murdering anyone, and I can relate more to someone who is ill that wants to end their pain and not to the survivor who just thinks he was selfish. It is so complicated I choose not to say anything because I know they hurt and that I wouldn't help them by telling them what I truly think.

Sometimes you just wish they would say nothing right? Me too. Please don't compare my pain to your pain is how I feel too. I don't know how many people have told me they know how I feel because they recently lost one of their parents (REALLY!) I want to scream at them -- NO it's not the same. My son is gone! I've lost both of my parents and my brother, and I didn't know what true heartbreak (bring you to your knees pain) was until I lost Jim.

You can't compare your pain with anyone else. No one knows your pain but you.

People mean well and I'm sure that they are trying to make you feel better - but don't you wish they would shut up?

Take care,

Jim's mom

[randosmom]

I want everyone to shut up, but then get mad because I feel they have abandoned us & forgotten my son. It is a double edge sword our loved ones have left with us.

One of my son's coworker’s son committed suicide 3 or 4 years ago. He & his wife have chosen to drink their way thru life & hate. They hate everyone that remotely touched their son, the saint. Right, blame the world. And, yes I believe that this hate & the way they portrayed their son were just more wrong roads taken in my son's situation. Do I blame them or hate them? No.

I loved my son & his passing has forever changed my life, but do not want to perpetuate the hate. Yes, the coworker was a small factor in my son’s life, but there were so many others: Randy’s relationship with me (the enabler) & his Dad, the girlfriend, my nephew’s suicide, his depression & being bipolar, etc., etc., etc. These outsiders & I will never be mates, but I will not hate them, my husband or myself. (Well maybe me, but that’s allowed.) I will & do hate the mental health issues & the way they are handle &/or ignored by all of us.

Next week will mark our 4th month of our life after “the end of the world as we know it”. I know in my heart that I will laugh again even if it is only to keep from crying. I have to believe that I can be sad & mourn Randy without hating. Otherwise, I too am lost.

Sorry, I just ramble. It helps sort it out in my old, tired, jumbled brain.