no more 'special' days

[briansfolks]

My son dealt with a mentally ill wife, that accused him of cheating and trying to take the kids away. We were also accused of that. She was not affectionate to him unless she wanted a child. She was anorexic, she did not trust people's food, nor would allow anyone including my son to pick out food be cause it could be poison. He had to call her to prove he was at work,or at our house to borrow a tool. We would even have to yell into the phone to prove he was with us. He had to prove he wasn't talking to anyone at work other than work related stuff. He would have to text her through out the day. He would have to stay all night with her during her hospital stay after the birth of each child because she was afraid he would cheat on her. This was my son's life for 4 and a half years married to her. Every month she would really get irate and accuse him of cheating which he did not and ask him for a divorce and tell him he was worthless and she never loved him. This is what he endured before he committed suicide.

This is what we know for a fact happened. She lives with her parents so no one can take her kids from her. We are now left dealing with her so we can see our grandchildren. So if people wonder why I cannot get with the program and go to graduations etc. This is our life.

[psyquestor]

(((((((((Lyn))))))))))) Honey, it has only been 2 months. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Grieving is hard work and it takes time.

I hear you saying that people who are farther along in their grief are still having a hard time and thinking that maybe those who are doing better aren't on the board. The thing about that is, that this is not something you ever get over, you just get through it. There are times (birthdays / anniversaries), even years later, that will cause us pain in our hearts. People will come back at those times and post to others who understand. They are less likely to post when they are having good days.

As for the people who have left the board - we'll never be sure why they've left or really if they've left at all. For every posting member, there are 15 silent members (people who read but don't post). They find support in reading posts from other people, but never post themselves.

I promise, there will come a time where you will remember your husband and smile at the memory. There will be days where you will have 'chit chat and lunch again' and actually enjoy it and focus enough to have a good conversation. It's normal to feel that we aren't such good company sometimes and want to retreat to our safe zone (home, work...). I bet our good friends understand though...try to be gentle with yourself. It wont happen overnight, but it will happen.

I think the journal is a good idea and finding a list of service providers is good too. (((gentle hugs)))

[jimsmom]

Well,we had two people mention that we shouldn't forget we have three other children yesterday. "LIKE I DO NOT KNOW THAT ALREADY!!!???" My husband and I are good to all our children. We are extremely close that is probably why we suffer such grief so intensely. Jimsmom, I relate to you a lot. This year we are missing birthdays, graduations, one wedding already. Can't go to them. Funerals especially have been missed, we can send a card or wire flowers but that is the best we have at this time. I swear sometimes people think we just lost a pet and should have gotten over it by now. Sorry for venting but I am sad and angry and I want to scream right now!

I just do what I can. I don't worry so much about what I can't. If people don't understand, that's not really my problem. I don't mean to sound so cold, but for years I have been the strong one, always there when someone needed anything, now I'm not. I have had people in my family who think it is time to get on with my life. Of course, they don't tell me that. They tell my husband. Sometimes I wish they would so I could tell them how I feel. Most of the time, I'm grateful that they tell my husband. I just don't need the aggravation.

Briansfolks, I totally understand how you feel. I want to scream and throw a tantrum, but it just makes me tired.

One day at a time. There is no timetable on grieving. Be kind to yourself. Don't push yourself to do things for other people. When and if you are ready, you will do what you can.

My heart hurts so much for you.

Jim's mom

[jimsmom]

My son dealt with a mentally ill wife, that accused him of cheating and trying to take the kids away. We were also accused of that. She was not affectionate to him unless she wanted a child. She was anorexic, she did not trust people's food, nor would allow anyone including my son to pick out food be cause it could be poison. He had to call her to prove he was at work,or at our house to borrow a tool. We would even have to yell into the phone to prove he was with us. He had to prove he wasn't talking to anyone at work other than work related stuff. He would have to text her through out the day. He would have to stay all night with her during her hospital stay after the birth of each child because she was afraid he would cheat on her. This was my son's life for 4 and a half years married to her. Every month she would really get irate and accuse him of cheating which he did not and ask him for a divorce and tell him he was worthless and she never loved him. This is what he endured before he committed suicide.

This is what we know for a fact happened. She lives with her parents so no one can take her kids from her. We are now left dealing with her so we can see our grandchildren. So if people wonder why I cannot get with the program and go to graduations etc. This is our life.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could lift some of your pain. The pain is so overwhelming. Knowing the pain Brian had to endure is outrageous. Vent away....it makes me feel better some days.

Thinking of you today.

Jim's mom

[briansfolks]

Jim's mom, you and I seem to grieve similarly. I am thankful I have other children But what they do not understand is that each and every child is irreplaceable. It isn't like well I have three left so that isn't too bad. (SARCASTIC) It is terrible when you lose any child whether you have had only one or 20.

[jimsmom]

Briansfolks, we do share a lot in common. My Jim has been gone since August 2010, yet my pain hasn't subsided. It's not the same pain, yet it still feels as deep. I feel as though I operated in a fog for more than 1 year, and then as I move into the next year, my loss is heavier because I miss him so dearly. I just want to see his face, hear his voice, hug him (sigh!)

Jim was my only son, my only child and I'm lost without him. I have 3 step-children and 7 grandchildren; 1 of whom is Jim's daughter. Yet I feel alone. You have other children, but they can't take Brian's place. Even though I only had Jim, I understand that completely. Who could choose which child to let go of? No mother could do that.

You have a completely different set of circumstances to deal with and that's Brian's wife. My heart truly aches for you because I cannot imagine the torment of seeing her when you know how she treated your child, your precious child.

I also feel angry because life is going on without him for other people, not for me.

I don't believe in god or seeing Jim in heaven. Maybe if I did, I would heal a little. I know that Jim is buried up the street and I will never, ever see him again and I am angry and hurt and sad.

Please take it as slow as you need to. No one gets to decide that time's up. No more time for grieving. I know in my heart that I will never have a happy day as I once did when Jim was alive. I will have bearable days, but the sun will never shine as bright.

I'm thankful for my job which keeps my mind off how bad I hurt, most days, but not all day. The minute I hit the elevator button, Jim is right there on my mind. I don't sleep well even though I work later and later each day.

You loved and cared for Brian for so many years. The one thing I keep telling myself is that Jim was well loved and he knew how much I loved him. As I am sure Brian was well loved by you and your husband. You did what you could. I'll never understand why we lost our sons.

Take care of yourself my friend. I'm thinking of you today and every day.

Jims Mom