13 days ago my dad walked into a school board meeting..

[Jessica]

Sorry, I was'nt done yet. Today (well I guess yesterday now) was my middle girls birthday and truth be told she was his favorite. God he loved her. He was so proud of her and I'm upset beyond belief that he won't be here to see what a fine young lady she is turning out to be. She is about to graduate high school and getting her very own (my god) apartment for the summer with one of her girlfriends before going into the national guard and entering nursing school. I had my girls very, very young and my dad was so worried that it would turn out bad, but it has'nt. God I just HURT@MISS him soooo much I feel like my chest will explode when I think about him for more than a few minutes. I look at my husbands family and they are just so I don't know upper middle class and normal. I love them like my own parents his mom is my mom too since I was 15 I've been within this family, but I am (Hate to admit it) so damn JEALOUS of him. He tells me not to think about it. not to do this to myself. RIGHT!! like he could ever understand, his dad would NEVER do something like this. he said he loved my dad too, and I know he did, but he does'nt get it....nobody gets it....nobody knows what to say...most times I just go on smiling, eating, sleeping, working, celebrating birthdays whatever.....it's always there just below the surface, I want it to get better, I want to be better, I want my freakin dad back. I know it's impossible it is what it is I just feel abnormal and jacked up.

[Blossom]

Hey Jessica, it is so lovely to hear how proud your dad was of your girls. They will carry that with them through their lives, even though it is tinged with sadness....but his pride will be part of their self belief. I am sure he was proud of you too...you brought up those girls. That pride and love is not erased when someone becomes unwell. What has been laid down with love and good intent doesn't disappear - you can't make history disappear - we are woven beings from the day we are born. I wonder if both you and your girls might like to make some notes about your dad and what he meant to you, the things you did together, his ways and sayings...sometimes I think of my special memories as one of those little snowglobes...those in the know (my family) can see, but nobody else can

Jessica, if we could all meet in a cafe, we would welcome you and comfort you - all the terrible 'shame' you feel would not even find a space in you because we feel for your loss sweetheart and we feel for your dad's pain. It is a big big task to move beyond the knee-jerk reaction of society...it is not simply a decision but a part of going and growing through grief. They are far away words with not much practical assistance to you I know.

As for upper middle class NORMAL families.....I am a bit older than you so I see it differently (but I was paranoid about my family when I was younger). Suffice to say there is no such thing as a normal family.....scratch the surface. Believe me, the world is crawling with people who live both peace and horror and everything in-between in their heads no matter what socio-economic or cultural status.....and by outward appearances.... And from one end of the spectrum to the other, suicide is the great leveller that stops doctors and health care workers in their tracks and leaves them scratching their heads. There are many many people who suffer mental health problems who do not die by suicide....so it gets even more complicated (I don't mean to upset anyone here).

Normal families...I need to share this. My husband's family are lovely people, very strong work ethic, quiet factual non-emotive conversationalists, good decision makers etc...my family are slightly er ...loud, dramatic, artistic etc. After 20 odd years as part of my husband's family, guess how I enrich them? I'm a hugger....the FIVE second variety, the heartfelt type...and they bubble before my eyes, drawn out. As my father-in-law was declining, my hugs brought tears to his eyes. I rest my case for the normal family argument. So Jessica, I bet you are so special to your husband's family...if you can suspend the compulsion to judge yourself (which is a normal part of the vulnerability of suicide bereavement), to be kind to yourself and offload responsibility for everything and everyone (also normal)...think about how his family (and very much your family by now) is enriched by your company. I bet they love you Jessica....mum's are so used to delivering their love, it is unfamiliar to feel so needing of love. Let them love you.

Having raved on, families do NOT meet all our needs. Open hearts and listeners do, and sometimes people beyond family members present as unhindered by old patterns of relating....the space is clear. If you are capable of any action, please find that heart, friend, counsellor, minister - you will know if it is right for you. From little things, big things grow.

The chest exploding feeling I know well. It is pain sweetheart...it wants to come out. I am one day very pleased for finding an avenue and the next, frustrated because the avenue is now closed or hidden. But somehow, I never lose hope to search. I wish this for you.

[ScottsMom]

Jessica

Blossom articulated so well much of my thinking and I will simply 2nd it.

I will send you a 5 second (or longer) hug - hold on honey,
V--

[Cindy]

Hi Jessica,

I just got through reading all of your posts in this thread and there is just so much I want to say but I won't be able to get all the words out. First of all....I am soooo deeply sorry for the loss of your Dad. Believe me...it will get easier although it is still difficult. It was one year ago today that my Dad publicily killed himslef and unfortunately he also ended the life of another person. I know this may sound weird but it is a blessing that your father did not kill anyone else. My Dad's vicitm is on my mind ALL OF THE TIME! Also, I cannot say too much right now as I am in the middle of being personally sued by the family of my Dad's victim. I am an only child and my Dad was not married. I have no idea why he did what he did and I never will. I have my theories but that is all they will ever be. Anyway, the lawsuit has made it doubly difficult for me b/c I can't talk to people about my situation. I still do but cryptically. I seem to be rambling but everything you say is how I feel also. I hid from the media. I took all traces of myself that I could off the internet... I drove to my Dad's condo in a disguise in the middle of the night... It was the absolute worst week of my life!! Everytime the phone rang I jumped... Every time I turned on the TV I cried and every time I saw a news media van I literally had a panic attack. I found out about my Dad's actions/death over 24 hours after the fact by a news reporter who left a message on my answering machine. I still remember googling my Dad's name and reading that Headline... I still can't believe no one contacted me but no one ever cares about the family of the people who committed the crime. My name and phone number were in my Dad's wallet and on his cell phone but no one bothered to call me. My children and I had to find out from a reporter and google.... I will never forget the sound of my screaming and look on my 11 year old's face as he ran accross the street to find a neighbor. My husband was deployed with the military while all of this happend so I was home alone with my kids. I seem to be rambling.... Just know that you are NOT alone in the way you feel. I still don't sleep. My husband is deployed again and I am still being sued. I just want that lawsuit over. I have never had a funeral or memorial for my Dad b/c I didn't want the media spectical... I miss my Dad so much and am so torn over his actions. Sorry to let all this out but for some reason I think we can understand each other. Be well and take it one day at a time.

Cindy

[Jessica]

Thanks so much all of you, I really appreciate it
xoxo
Jess

[momofhurtingkids]

I am so very very sorry for the pain you are going through. I am actually thankful to know there is a place for children who lost parents in this way to go and talk to each other and hopefully find comfort. It is hard to make sense of all this....and almost impossible for people who have never been through it to truly understand.
Having your pain played out in the media must make it all the worse.

My son's father shot himself almost four years ago. I know it's hard to hear...but it does get better.
He built a site about it...and is trying to connect with other kids.
I am glad I found this place...I think it will be good for him...and if I can figure it out...I will help him link it to his site.

I wish you peace and happiness. People who are mentally ill don't mean to hurt the people they love....but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

God Bless you

a mom who knows

http://www.sossupport.jigsy.com/

[Jessi]

I never should have went on the internet and looked up information about my dad, I have avoided reading about what happened for months. I had never watched the video as I had seen part of it on accident and it was unbelievably painful to see. I don't know why I went online last night and read an eyewitness account of what took place, it was of a newspaper man who looked through a cracked door as it was happening. Jesus Christ it broke my heart, he was talking about him being all shot up and now (while I already thought about his suicide every moment of every day almost) I have this image in my head of my dad as just laying there on the floor dead. I'm sorry to be so graphic but I need to get this out, I could'nt sleep last night, and I cant stop crying MY GOD this was my FATHER, and people...I dont know the things they said in the reports......and in the comments...I can't express the agony and pain I feel after reading the posts, and I don't know why I did it, I guess I just wanted to see if I could get some answers, get my head around what has happened but all I feel is disbelief, anger (I could'nt stand to see him talked about like that), and total despair. I am so sorry for what happened, I don't know why he did it, the doctors told my grandma she was going to die if she could'nt come to terms with it, she has lost 20 lbs in the last 2 weeks...why did he leave us like this?? GOD!!

[Cindy]

Jessi,

I don't have too much time to write everything I want right now, but believe me I KNOW EXACTLY what you are feeling! I have read everything online about my Dad's Murder/Suicide...about how he laid in the parking lot for over an hour in a pool of blood. I looked at all the pics too and the aerial photos... I just cant stop seeing him laying under that yellow tarp surrounded by crime scene tape. The only thing I haven't been able to do is listen to the 911 tapes of the husband of the girl my Father killed alothough I did read some of the transcripts. Every night I cruise the net looking for more info. His victim's family posts stuff on FB and I just feel compelled to read it. I know they hate me...and are inflicting as much pain as possible on me as they are suing me and won't even listen to hear what I have to say. I am not my Father but I am the only one left to blame. I want to contact the family but I know I can't especially since they are suing me. I drove 8 hours the other day to go to a hearing and it was cancelled after I found people to care for my three kiddos.... I can't handle much more either. Sorry I have turned this into a vent. I really don't have any advice but I think everything you are feeling is normal. Is there a normal?? Will get back to you later. We jsut got a new puppy...needed to see my kids happy again. The puppy has been a good distraction for me too.

Take Care and I think of you often. So far you are the closet person to understanding what I am going through. I have been reading a lot of Susan Klebold's (Mother of Columbine Killer) stuff too. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would relate to her....

Cindy

[Jessi]

Hey Cindy,
Jesus I can't imaging someone singling me out for my fathers actions, as they are doing to you. I can't come to grips with what happened, and I just feel so so bad that on top of what we are feeling you have the added burden of having people trying to persecute you for what you had no control, let alone understanding of. I think of you often, try to find comfort from your children they are truly a blessing, and have been through so much watching us try to deal with whats happened in our family. I think the new puppy was a great idea, something positive for all of you. Peace be with you and know that I am here if you ever need to "talk".
Jessi

[Jess]

It's been just over 4 months, and i'm starting to have moments of just remembering him, and i've been able to think about some of the little things he did without that last day overpowering it. I'll take what I can get I guess. It does seem to be getting easier, I don't have that crushing weight in my chest that has been a constant when I thought about him for more than a few seconds. He taught me fractions, told me to chew with my mouth closed, and always rinse your plate before you put it in the sink. He also took me to little league, taught me to ride a bike, and shared with me his love for animals, and the outdoors. I feel blessed to have had him in my life. It's impossible for me to understand what he was thinking that last day.. but his illness and his actions on that day are not his legacy. What he taught me, even the little things, I've passed on to my own children.